Another executive order from me

The Column: 03.10.25

I’ve gotten a rave report from Bayfield, Wisconsin, that relatives of a friend slaughtered a hog and put on a pork feast for neighbors and that fresh pork compared to store-bought is like gin compared to turpentine, but I dare not mention this in my own home because my love looks down on pork due to fairy tales she was read as a child. Those stories omitted the fact that pigs are omnivores and will devour a rat or lizard as readily as plants and flowers, and does the size of the prey place the Three Pigs on a higher moral plane than I with my bratwurst? Does a lizard not have feelings? Is a baby bunny not capable of loyalty?

I will say this for our Current Occupant, he has never come out against pork — he feasts on it and so does his man Musk — a herd is but a appetizer, billions of dollars’ worth of hog go down that gullet, he devours the tusks too, and the Man is the first Occupant in my lifetime who’s taken a swing at the Canadians, who due to their northernness consider themselves uppermost but who are trying to transport their chaos south — five political parties, two languages, an unsingable national anthem, round bacon — by way of a porous border.

The Occupant is plowing new ground. His denunciation of President Zelenskyy, accusing him of starting Russia’s war against Ukraine, is new diplomatic territory for this country. Secretary Rubio, who was brought up to be anti-communist, is having to learn how to swim backward.

And now Reuters reports that the U.S. plans to deport 200,000 Ukrainians who fled to the U.S. legally, had an American sponsor, were financially responsible, simply as an act of cruelty to impress the war criminal who is our new ally.

The world wonders: “What will satisfy the man?” A presidential order requiring Bill Clinton to shine his shoes? Restoring capital punishment and hanging Joe Biden from the yardarm of a frigate in a rainstorm? The man is ambitious. Will we own the Gulf of America or can other countries use it?

To use part of the State of the Union speech to honor a boy cured of cancer even while pediatric cancer research funding is so low is not for the faint of heart. You and I would be hard put to do it. Members of Congress are not fools, they have assistants who read to them, and half of the Members stood and applauded when he denounced pediatric cancer without calling for funding to be restored. Great operas have been written featuring treachery on this scale. The Creating Hope Reauthorization Act, extending incentives for pediatric drug development: dumped. The Give Kids a Chance Act, to allow children with relapsed cancers to undergo treatments combining cancer drugs with other therapies: which one of you could walk into a sick child’s hospital room and tell the family, “Sorry. Pack up and go home. Canceled.”

The problem is that we need a King, and the Occupant is the person for the job. Create a constitutional monarch, but elective, not hereditary, because as we’ve seen in the U.K. the bloodlines can run thin and the heirs can be pale and sniveling. Give the king the power to ride in parades and wave and appear at dedications and grieve for the dead and pin medals on people. It’s the perfect job for a jackass.

The American people were looking for excitement.

Nixon was intriguing and Clinton flipped some skirts but Carter and Reagan were rather straight, and Bush 1 and Bush 2 were patrician and Obama was under severe restrictions as the First A-A and so he and the family had to be model prisoners for the whole eight years, keep their eyes straight and shoelaces tied, so the electorate decided to take a break and elect a playboy from Queens who needed rifle volleys and salutes, a chopper at the ready, and a golf course vacated for him and his four friends.

But the chaos. The gazillionaire in the china shop. The appointments of numbskulls. The clowning in Congress. How much is enough? Elect a king (or queen) every four years, give them the Smithsonian for a castle, let them be a spectacle for the amusement of the street people, and let some modest rationalist run the government. As Custer once said, “What could possibly go wrong?”

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