1.  6 Shot Outside Pittsburgh Funeral for Mass Shooting Victim

 NEVER-ENDING 

One victim is said to be in critical condition while five others are expected to survive.

U.S. NEWS

2.  Musk Spends First Day at Twitter Helping User Named Catturd

  SH*TTY PRIORITIES 

The MAGA-affiliated user claimed their account had been suppressed.

U.S. NEWS

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3.  Dolly Parton Says Her Touring Days Are Over

 🎤 

The country icon wants to be closer to her husband now that they’re older.

ENTERTAINMENT

4.  Florida Commish Lied to Visit Her Lover in ICE Detention

 LOVE LIE 

The 36-year-old falsified documents to pretend she was a paralegal so she could get into the facility, prosecutors said.

POLITICS

I’m Staying Under This Weighted Blanket Forever

 WEIGHT FOR IT... 

Casper’s weighted blanket distributes the weight evenly, so you’re the only thing sinking to the bottom.

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5.  NY Times Reports Fuller Story on Japanese Artist’s Death

 HEARTBREAKING 

The Japan Coast Guard said they purposely didn’t initially connect Kazuki Takahashi’s drowning death to a rescue two days before.

POLITICS

6.  Mondrian Painting Has Been Hanging Upside Down for 75 Years

 ‘IT WAS VERY OBVIOUS’ 

It may now be too late to hang it the right way up, an expert warned.

ARTS AND CULTURE

7.  He Cut Off Her Head Because She Wouldn’t Have Sex, Cops Say

 STOMACH-CHURNING 

Justin Fields then allegedly stabbed her 100 times.

U.S. NEWS

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8.  Ye’s Former Business Manager Sues Rapper for $4.5 Million

 CONSEQUENCES 

The rapper’s former manager Thomas St. John said West told him their 18-month contract was “bullsh*t,” according to court records.

ENTERTAINMENT

9.  Kanye’s School Shut After Too Many Teachers Quit in Protest

  LATE REGISTRATION 

A report claims the academy was forced to close after a wave of fed up faculty resigned.

U.S. NEWS

10.  Right-Wingers Duped by Fake Trump Press Release on Musk Deal

 HOOK, LINE & SINKER 

Devin Nunes called it “left-wing desperation,” but it turns out right-wing accounts were pushing it.

POLITICS

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11.  Domestic Extremism Investigations Almost Double in a Year

 ‘PERSISTENT THREATS’ 

“Domestic violent extremists represent one of the most persistent threats to the United States today,” the FBI and DHS said.

POLITICS

12.  Pharrell’s New Auction Platform Crashes Almost Immediately

 BLING 

The pop icon and N.E.R.D. produced launched the platform to rid himself of a lifetime of glamorous accoutrements.

ARTS AND CULTURE

13.  Frenzy to Buy Joan Didion’s Belongings—Even a Paper Clip

 ON THE BLOCK 

The iconic writer’s sunglasses and books are among the items up for auction soon.

ARTS AND CULTURE

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