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1. Canadian ‘Super Pig’ Threatens to Invade United States

  PIGGING OUT 

The pigs have a very large appetite and can survive in unbearable conditions.

U.S. NEWS

2. Trump Demands ‘Mental Competency Test’ for Candidates

 STABLE GENIUS 

“Being an outstanding President requires great mental acuity & physical stamina.”

POLITICS

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3. Superintendent Resigns After Kid Finds His Gun in Bathroom

 JAW-DROPPING 

The firearm was left unattended in an elementary school for around 15 minutes.

U.S. NEWS

4. Iran Foundation Rewards Salman Rushdie’s Alleged Attacker

 TWISTED 

“We sincerely thank the brave action of the young American who made Muslims happy by blinding one of Rushdie’s eyes and disabling one of his hands.”

WORLD

This Purifying Water Bottle Is Perfect for Emergency Prep

 PEAK HYDRATION 

This LifeStraw collapsible squeeze bottle will change your *altitude* about all other water bottles from here on out.

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5. NYPD Hunt Woman After Pride Flag Torched Outside Restaurant

 ‘HATE CRIME’ 

The flag was emblazoned with the phrase “Make America Gay Again.”

U.S. NEWS

6. Bozo Demands Ransom for Hollywood Sign From Wrong Cops

 LANDMARK CASE 

The pipe bomb plot was quickly defused.

U.S. NEWS

7. North Koreans Could Be Drinking Nuke Test Site Groundwater

 OH BOY... 

A report says people in other countries could also be exposed to radiation risk.

WORLD

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8. Japan Mulls Raising Age of Consent From 13 to 16

 ABOUT TIME 

The proposal is part of a justice ministry effort to overhaul sex laws in Japan.

WORLD

9. Fifth Man Cured of HIV, Researchers Confirm

 ‘THE DÜSSELDORF PATIENT’ 

The case was originally made public in 2019 but scientists were hesitant to say the man was cured.

U.S. NEWS

10. Ukraine Rail Boss Sorry for Train Delays Tied to Biden Visit

 ‘COMPLICATED PROJECT’ 

“It was painful for me and my team, but I had to do that.”

WORLD

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11. Idaho House of Reps Votes No to Student IDs at Polls

 ‘SUPRESSION’ 

“This is an active effort to skew the electorate,” one local Democratic candidate fumed.

U.S. NEWS

12. Turkey, Syria Shaken After New Earthquake Hits

 SHOCK AND PANIC 

The quake was followed by 32 aftershocks, the nation's disaster and emergency agency said.

WORLD

13. Decorative Helicopter Crashes in NJ Water Park, Injuring 4

 CLOSE CALL 

The DreamWorks Water Park will remain closed until Thursday.

U.S. NEWS

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