1. Riot Investigators Ready to Subpoena Top Trump Aides: Report

  TIME TO TALK 

Ex Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, Dan Scavino, and Brad Parscale are named as three of the “likely targets.”

2. Man Stopped Woman’s Sex Assault, Then He Attacked Her: Cops

 SO SHOCKING 

The two sex crimes are alleged to have taken place in Key West in the early hours of Sept. 10.

The facts of the matter. 24/7.

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3. Save a Cool 20% on This Mouthwatering Beef Jerky

 AD BY CHOMPS 

Stash these treats in your car, bag, or pantry for a guilt-free snack.

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4. Trumpist Conspiracy-Pusher Powell Shares Wackiest Theory Yet

 ‘VERY, VERY DARK’ 

Without any evidence, Sidney Powell claimed the Georgia governor’s daughter’s boyfriend was assassinated by Democrats.

5. Thousands of Haitians Admitted Into U.S. This Week: AP

 ‘VERY LARGE SCALE’ 

Earlier this week, officers were condemned for pursuing Haitian migrants on horseback.

6. No Matter How Busy I Am, This Planner Keeps Me Stress-Free

 KEEPING THINGS IN CHECK 

There’s even a key at the bottom of each page that shows symbols to help you delegate or defer tasks (or skip them altogether).

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7. Students Spark Outrage With Petition to Bring Back Slavery

 ‘DISCIPLINE INCIDENT’ 

“We are outraged, hurt and saddened that this occurred,” the principal said of the racist petition.

8. 29-Year-Old Kentucky Teacher Dies of COVID

 DEVASTATING 

Joannie Bartley said in announcing her diagnosis this month that she’d been careful and gotten vaccinated.

9. Ukrainian Presidential Aide Ambushed Outside Kyiv

 CLOSE CALL 

Serhiy Shefir was unscathed in the attack, but his driver was wounded.

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10. FB Execs Shocked by Zuck Plan to Boost Flattering News: NYT

 ‘PROJECT AMPLIFY’ 

The plan—known internally as “Project Amplify”—was reportedly signed off on by Zuckerberg.

11. ‘Sex and the City’ Star Willie Garson Dies at 57

 R.I.P. 

The actor had reportedly been battling cancer. His adopted son wrote, “You’ll always be with me.”

12. WATCH: McGregor Rivals Fauci for Worst First Pitch

 STICK TO FIGHTING 

The UFC star threw the pitch very, very, very wide as he opened the matchup between the Cubs and the Minnesota Twins.

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13. Brad: Angelina’s Trying to Stiff Me in French Chateau Sale

 CUSTODY BATTLE 

The spat over the 1,000-acre Chateau Miraval comes amid the A-list couple’s ongoing custody battle over their six children.

14. ‘Elvira’ Actress Reveals Her Own ‘Mistress of the Dark’

 ‘TRULY LOVED’ 

“For the first time in my life,” she writes, “I’m with someone who makes me feel safe, blessed, and truly loved.”

15. DeSantis Taps Anti-Mask Vax Skeptic to Be Surgeon General

 MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 

Among his more insane claims, Dr. Joseph Ladapo claimed that eating fruit was just as important in the fight against COVID as getting vaccinated.

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