1.  Cruz Asked Houston Cops to Escort Him to Cancun Flight

 THEY’RE, UH, KINDA BUSY  

The Houston Police Department was begging residents to stay home when Cruz’s staff called them on Wednesday to ask for assistance at the airport.

2.  Texas Fam’s Power Bill Is Now Up to $10K Amid Winter Storm

  HOO BOY 

Another resident saw her bill jump almost $4,000 overnight as millions still remain in the dark.

3.  This Vacuum Cleans My Whole Home Better Than a Dyson

 CLEAN SWEEP 

This affordable stick vacuum’s roller spins faster than a Dyson V11’s and it comes with a wet mop attachment for hard floors

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4.  FL Woman Threatened to Shoot Feds Probing Capitol Riot

 JUST ANOTHER PATRIOT 

In a video, Suzanne Kaye insisted she’d use her “second amendment right to shoot your fucking ass” if the feds showed up at her home.

5.  Ivanka Won’t Run Against Rubio for Florida Senate in 2022

 LITTLE MARCO’S BIG BREAK 

“Ivanka offered her support for Marco’s re-election. They had a great talk,” Rubio spokesperson Nick Iacovella told the Times.

6.  Bathing My Cats Is No Longer Impossible Thanks to This Bag

 BATH TIME 

My cats still don’t like getting a bath, but at least they can’t wreak havoc.

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7.  Ted Cruz Offers Ridiculous Explanation for Cancun Trip

 AIRHEAD 

“With school canceled for a week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends,” the Texas senator wrote.

8.  Dolly Parton Literally Doesn’t Want to Be Put on a Pedestal

 GOOD GOLLY 

“Somewhere down the road several years from now or perhaps after I’m gone if you still feel I deserve it, then I’m certain I will stand proud in our great State Capitol.”

9.  Texas Is Running Out of Food, Water as Catastrophe Goes On

 DARK DAYS 

Some 400,000 North Texans are still without electricity three days into the crisis, and federal regulators are opening up an inquiry into what caused the outages.

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10.  Lisa Bloom Is Representing 10 Alleged Alexander Wang Victims

 #METOO 

No legal action has been taken against Wang, but Lisa Bloom told The New York Times she now represents 10 men who accuse the designer of sexual misconduct.

11.  Wisconsin’s ‘Sturgeon General’ Charged for Caviar Theft

  SOUNDS FISHY 

Ryan Koenigs also faces charges of allegedly attempting to obstruct an investigation into the caviar caper.

12.  Former GOP Sen. Bob Dole Has Stage IV Lung Cancer

 BEST WISHES 

Dole, 97, represented Kansas in the Senate from 1969 to 1996, serving as Senate majority leader before resigning to unsuccessfully challenge Bill Clinton for the White House.

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13.  Malia Obama Is Tapped by Donald Glover for Amazon Project

 THE BIG LEAGUE 

The 22-year-old is said to be working on a potential new series called “Hive,” which will be based on a Beyonce-like entertainment mogul.

14.  Facebook Hits Australia With Dramatic Ban on Sharing News

 ‘UNFRIEND AUSTRALIA’ 

It appears to be the most restrictive move Facebook has ever taken against content publishers anywhere in the world.

15.  Woman Gets Top Olympic Job After ‘Women Talk Too Much’ Row

 TAKE THE BATON 

Seiko Hashimoto—the country’s former Olympics minister and a seven-time Olympian—has been appointed the next Tokyo 2020/2021 president.

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