| “Sometimes there’s a man … I won’t say a hero coz what’s a hero,” says the voiceover at the start of Big Lebowski. “Well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there.” And though he wasn’t talking about football he could’ve been, because the same often applies to the beautiful game. Got a charismatic, hardarse and surprisingly sensitive Scot? Perfect for Manchester and Manchester United. Or maybe you know a socially conscious, lightly cheesy, and rabble-rousing exhibitionist with teeth; off to Liverpool he goes, with your local nerdy technocrat of implacable self-confidence sent straight to Arsenal. So of course it makes perfect sense that Jamaica employ Steve McClaren, arguably the iriest man in football called Steve McClaren. For many years, the nation’s finest minds have cogitated, theorised and philosophised as to the meaning of his hair-island, but only now can they be certain that it is in tribute to his new employer’s land-mass. Football Daily just wishes it could be there to enjoy his first experience of Scotchies jerk, face turning a patriotic hue of green and gold, and the Caribbean sun, tan paying homage to Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce’s hair. We have long since believed that national anthems should reflect the music most germane to and representative of the country they represent which is to say yes, God Save the King does need a jungle or grime replacement, just as Germany, USA USA USA and South Africa need their versions given Krautrock, hip-hop and amapiano refreshes. McClaren, though, is well ahead of this curve, already accomplished at imperceptibly incorporating local accent to a high standard. And those who previously believed his nickname of “Chocolate”, earned during his first spell at Old Trafford, to be because his players felt that if he was a bar of the same he’d eat himself, are themselves eating crow because it’s now clear he was simply referencing Bournville’s Old Jamaica. No longer the wally with the brolly, rather the playa with the patois. These qualities were surely not lost on the president of the Jamaica Football Federation, Premier League and England legend Michael Ricketts, whose three goals in 32 games when signed by McClaren for Middlesbrough highlight the potential expertise of his decision. “We are truly elated to announce the appointment of Mr McClaren as head coach of the Reggae Boyz,” he crooned. “We are confident we made the right decision and are looking forward to him guiding our nation towards the 2026 World Cup.” The rest of us, meanwhile, noting that McClaren has held none of his last 12 jobs for longer than two years, will already be wondering where football’s ultimate cosmopolitan will appear next. All hail the Tuvaluan tino! | 