You have to hand it to Dion Dublin. The energy that the former footballer brought to Homes Under the Hammer – a British property show in which the giant striker navigated the innards of (mostly) tiny, decrepit terraced houses – was sensational. You might have thought that Dublin would have lost his zest after explaining to the viewer where the stairs went (“up to the bedrooms”) for the 7,854th time, but in a world where recently retired players struggled for both purpose and opportunity, we respected Dublin’s chutzpah as he rolled up his sleeves and took on a new challenge with such enthusiasm. Just like trying to sell those houses, selling that show to the viewer wasn’t easy. But Dublin showed up, and we watched.

Watching this English football season unfold has been a lot like watching one of those Homes Under the Hammer episodes. Television presenters, pundits and pre-match montage creators have done their best to channel their inner Dublin in an attempt to create drama, narrative and jeopardy out of the footballing equivalent of a caravan (no stairs to the bedrooms, alas) that has just had its tyres slashed. The Premier League title race is effectively over (as is the WSL), the relegation places are all-but sewn up and now we are reduced to getting excited about which oil, gambling or USA USA USA private equity-backed clubs will make it into Bigger Cup next season. Football Daily can barely contain its excitement, our palms red raw with all the rubbing.

After the euphoria of Saudi Arabia’s Dan Burn’s Milk Cup final victory, the FA Cup was seen by many as the last great domestic hope, a place where big guns and Big Money went to die, the last bastion for romance, magic and the hope of something better. But then Fulham 0-3 Crystal Palace lasted all of 38 minutes before the visitors had the game won. Brighton 0-0 Nottingham Forest lasted – regrettably – 120+ minutes before the Tricky Trees scraped through their third penalty shootout of this year’s competition. Aston Villa steamrolled Preston and despite a brief moment where Bournemouth had Manchester City on the ropes, Pep Guardiola’s brave boys romped to victory to secure the fourth semi-final berth – their seventh in a row.

Forest v City and Palace v Villa is certainly not the least interesting FA Cup semi-final lineup in recent years, but it also feels inevitable now that City will lurch to yet another Wembley triumph. At least Dion will be on hand to remind Kevin De Bruyne and co where the stairs are. Other presenters and pundits will do their best to bring some much-needed Dublin-esque gusto to proceedings – as will Forest, Palace and Villa – but just like Mitchell and Webb’s very own property programme, it might be in everyone’s interests to hurry this one along and just give the FA Cup to Manchester City now. Hurrah!

I asked him if he could do it on a cold, rainy night in Stoke. He responded ‘callate la boca’ which I think means ‘yes’ in Spanish” – Andy Murray gets two decent gags into the caption while posting a picture with Lionel Messi at the Miami Open tennis tournament.

Slightly confused by Friday’s News, Bits, Bobs (Football Daily – full email edition) item re a USA USA USA consortium takeover of Leyton Orient, leading to an American football franchise in East London. Will Orient be playing gridiron or football?” – John Lawton.

I don’t usually watch things like the FA Cup draw but I was so amazed to witness the filling of pointless TV time. Five teams, four balls in a bag. Joe Hart picks one then two. The draw is complete at this point with no home advantage on the line. But no! The third ball is dramatically withdrawn from the bag followed by the fourth as if the tie was undecided and a whiff of excitement. Still it was a surprise that Joe didn’t drop any balls or spill the bag on the floor, as was his goalkeeping style. Well done Joe” – Nigel Sanders.

I am not sure that Newcastle United can really claim to be ‘leaving’ St James’ Park for a stadium in Leazes Park. The reason being that these two parks are right next door to each other [a move next door is still a move, isn’t it? – Football Daily Ed]” – Stephen Rankin.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … John Lawton. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we have them, can be viewed here.

Milan midfielder Ruben Loftus-Cheek has undergone surgery after being diagnosed with acute appendicitis. The England international had a successful appendectomy after experiencing severe abdominal pain. Ouch!

Beth Mead struck twice as Arsenal eased past WSL strugglers Crystal Palace, while West Ham ended Chelsea’s winning streak at home by earning an unexpected 2-2 draw.

Club World Cup latest: after León were removed due to Fifa multi-club ownership rules, a playoff between LAFC and Club América is being considered to decide the extra place. Why them? Why not!

Andrea Berta is the new Arsenal sporting director, replacing Edu who departed in November. “I am thrilled to be joining in what is a hugely exciting period for the club,” trilled Berta. Meanwhile, Arsenal and Tottenham will contest a “friendly” Norf Lah’n derby in Hong Kong this summer.

Steve Evans has barrelled through the door marked Do One at League One side Rotherham after a 4-0 home defeat to Crawley.

Fun and Games in South America dept: A referee in Peru defended himself against a pitch-invading, (plastic) bottle-wielding coaching assistant – by kung-fu-kicking his assailant to the floor. The incident occurred after referee Luis Alegre had waved a red card towards the Magdalena bench in their Copa Peru tie against Sport Huaquilla.

And finally: Norway’s Bryne FK – Erling Haaland’s first club – rewarded goalkeeper Jan de Boer with four trays of eggs after his player-of-the-match display against Bodø/Glimt. And doesn’t he look delighted!

Goal of the weekend came in the National League South, where Weston-super-Mare’s Luke Coulson scored from his own penalty area against Hornchurch. With the hosts 3-2 down in stoppage time, keeper Mason Terry went up for a late corner – but the ball instead dropped to Coulson, who hoofed it from the penalty spot all the way upfield, where it rolled into an empty net. Even better, the late goal completed Coulson’s first career hat-trick. Both clubs asked on some Social Media Disgrace or other whether this was the longest ever goal from an outfield player. We’re no experts, but it looks like a couple of miles, at least. “It’s a comedy show, to be honest,” said Hornchurch manager Daryl McMahon. “Clear it from their own box and it bounces in … but Weston have got a good side. They’re excellent at the top end of the pitch.” And, on this evidence, the bottom end too.

Get your WSL weekend review. Right here!

“Wolves gave me that joy back. The player I am now and the happiness I’m feeling, it’s because of them.” Matheus Cunha gets his chat on with Thiago Rabelo, revealing how life at Molineux has rebooted his career after struggling at Atlético Madrid.

Andy Brassell on Marco Rose, who paid the price for a lack of attacking ambition at RB Leipzig with Jürgen Klopp looming cheerily over his shoulder.

Orsolini alla Bologna? Thanks, but we just ate. Ah, it’s flying Bologna winger Riccardo Orsolini, knocking on the Italy door again. Nicky Bandini explains.

More coaches and athletes should follow Gareth Southgate’s lead as role models for society’s “lost boys”, writes Cath Bishop.

Preston’s local delicacy, the butter pie, is a bit like their football team: traditional, uncompromising, and a bit beige. Jonathan Liew takes a bite.

Pep Guardiola’s decision to bring on youngster Nico O’Reilly changed the game for Manchester City at Bournemouth, writes Ben Fisher.

Jonathan Wilson recalls City’s fight with the league over finances … in 1906.

Weekend talking points from the FA Cup, EFL and beyond over here.

And you can test your knowledge of English football mascots, from boilers to dinosaurs, in our quiz.

1 December 2006: There was a new mobile phone on the market, kids. Yes, others were available but the Nokia N73 was among the first to allow users to watch TV – including live football. That looks like a blurry José Mourinho to us, but we can’t for the life of us work out which match he is overseeing. It has a very European flavour, even though the player in view looks like he’s wearing a Blackburn kit.