>> Max security <<
Secrets safe with Clifford
What with all the tumult and
turmoil of the last fortnight
you may not have noticed that
Max Clifford has been up in
the dock again.
Legend has it that Max Clifford
has a safe in which he keeps
his 'insurance' – i.e. all of
the photos, files and hard
evidence of the many stories
he's successfully quashed for
his celebrity clients.
But certain parties who know
Clifford say that this isn't
just what the safe was for.
The safe was for storing cash.
Earnings from the cash-in-hand
deals he struck with some of
the more gullible celebrities.
Wonder if the taxman knew
what was in there?
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Just when you thought your opinion
of Max Clifford couldn't get any
lower: he's been bragging in court
about how he helped launch UKIP.
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>> Evans below! <<
Chris is gearing down
Many have suggested that
Top Gear's viewing figures
would have fallen no matter
who had taken the gig. That
may well be true, but the
truth of it is that Chris
Evans has never been the
magical TV tonic that people
seem to think he is.
Back on the Big Breakfast,
whenever Evans went on
holiday and left Gaby Roslin
to present it by herself,
viewing figures would stay
stable. But when Gaby went
away and it was just Evans
presenting, viewing figures
dropped down.
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Drake's One Dance is about to hit
13 consecutive weeks at number one.
Only Wet Wet Wet (15) and Bryan
Adams (16) still to beat.
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>> Big Questions <<
Who's asking what this week?
How much does it cost a multi-
millionaire popstar to settle
a case out of court when they
are routinely accused of
sexual misconduct?
(ANSWER: $700,000 a pop seems
to be the going rate, if what
you enjoy doing is grabbing
the nuts of your staff.)
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Ronnie O'Sullivan has written a
crime novel called Framed, about
the underworld of 1980s Soho.
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>> Group dynamic <<
Darius puts out feelers
Good news, music lovers! Pop
Idol also-ran Darius Danesh
is working on his third album
and he really wants to make
sure that his fans love it.
So much so that last weekend
Darius hosted a meet'n'greet
focus group where hardcore
fans listened to him sing a
few previews and then filled
out opinion sheets on what
they had heard.
Not only will this customer
feedback prove invaluable
when finalising the track list,
but fans also paid £20 for
the privilege of being a
part of this historic market
research (which took place in
the upper bar of the Savoy
Theatre, in between matinee
and evening shows of Funny Girl).
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Andrea Leadsom's parents are called
Richard and Judy.
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GOVE IS IN THE HEART: MINI PULL-OUT
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>> Hoover damned <<
Flushing out the truth
john_lewis_partnership writes:
"Not my story, but impeccably
sourced. Sarah Vine tells of
returning home one evening to
hear the noise of the hoover
upstairs. Puzzled, she went
up to discover the sound was
coming from the bathroom,
accompanied by grunts and moans.
"Fearing deviancy, vaseline and
amyl-soaked satsumas, she swung
the door open to reveal the then
Secretary of State for Education,
Michael Gove, forlornly trying
to slurp up an enormous,
unflushable turd with the
crevice wand."
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Not only is Gove a big talker in
bed, we're also told he is "hung
like you wouldn't believe". What
is it with these Brexit guys?
------------------------------- |
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>> Cringe yourself fit! << Trading puns for buns
Michael Gove may have failed
to clinch the Tory leadership
and dashed his hopes of being
PM but he has other options.
For example, if he ever wanted
to release a fitness video, he
will give your glutes the best
workout you can get.
Honestly, we clenched our arses
so many times watching this
1hr45m compilation of Gove's
comedy stylings we've now got
butt muscles like a Kardashian.
Try it for yourself!
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*******************************
GOVE IS IN THE HEART: PULL-OUT ENDS
*******************************
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Popbitch's favourite New York
architect? Perkins Eastman's wannabe
skyscraper designer...Scott Fallick!
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>> Electoral tie <<
Cooking the bookies
During the weekend's Australian
election TV coverage, people
wondered why Laurie Oakes (a
well-known Canberra journo who
appeared on the Nine Network's
coverage) was changing his tie
so often.
Turns out that Oakes had found
out about a site that was taking
bets on the colour of his tie
for election night, so he wore
one for every option the bookies
offered odds on (yellow, blue,
black, green, red or any other
colour)
As a result, everyone who
placed a bet got a payout.
Something for Dimbleby to
consider if we get a snap
general election here.
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Greg Davies' nickname at primary
school was "Table-Top". He once had
to stand on a desk as punishment,
but ended up pissing all over it.
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>> Joey's Fat One <<
Famed US sausage merchant
Justin Timberlake went on to
become a successful solo star,
Lance Bass tried to become an
astronaut and now Joey Fatone
is about to embark on a brand
new career too. He's about to
become Florida's most famous
sausage merchant.
He has picked out the first
location for his new chain
of hotdog restaurants – at
the Florida Mall in Orlando.
And the name that Fatone has
chosen for his restaurant?
"Fat Ones".
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RIP Knapp, Matthew Parris's oldest
llama. He's only got two now so "if
you know of a lonely llama anywhere,
solitary in a field, get in touch."
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>> Acronymity <<
What's in a name?
After four extremely successful
years, the Festival of Public
Health UK has decided to change
its name for 2016. The official
line is that it they're changing
the name to reflect its growing
international audience.
But it might also be to prevent
people from shortening the event
name to... PHUK Fest.
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New Trashy Times is funny, incisive,
irreverent & stupid. Check out why
gerbils are best, rap's most awkward
videos, and what Tony Blair REALLY
meant in his Chilcot statement...
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>> Double trouble <<
Once bitten, twice paid
The Mirror Group's latest round
of journalist redundancies
may finally draw a line under
the phone-hacking era there,
with the expected departure
of Agenda Editor, Lee Harpin:
one of the last remaining
Mirror bosses implicated
in that scandal.
Harpin has been causing MGN
difficulties for more than
a decade now – most notably
in 2005 when Mirror Group
paper The People had to pay
large libel damages to the
Beckhams after running the
story, "Becks Phone Fury:
England Ace Plagues Ex-Nanny
With Hate Calls".
The case put MGN in a bit of
a bind because their central
evidence of Beckham's alleged
hate calls was a transcript of a
phoner with the nanny that might
inadvertently implicate Harpin in
the act of phone-hacking.
As they couldn't reveal how
they'd come up with the story
without opening a massive can
of worms, they had no choice
but to take the financial hit
and pay out to the Beckhams.
Sadly for MGN, they didn't
get away with the hacking
accusation either. Eight years
later, in 2013, they had to pay
damages to the nanny for
hacking her phone too.
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Want to start a career in PR? Right
Angles is looking for 2 Researchers.
£30k pa, full time, Covent Garden.
Click here for details.
***************************** |
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>> Hmmms <<
Murray, metal, dildos
Further strange expressions
from Celine Dion.
Q/ How big does an asteroid
have to be to destroy all life?
A/ Only about 60 miles wide
Grow your own Trump planters
Thanks to Lovehoney for the box
of sex toys which made this
week's Popbitch Quiz a whole
lot more fun for one lucky team.
A Bill Murray dot-to-dot book.
An extremely nerdy look
at heavy metal lyrics.
Sport rights are 46% TV content
spend, and could be 75% within
a decade.
Local news of the week.
************************************
Thanks to: PD, G, Pee-Enn, KKG, LB,
gabiamajora, SW, BD, JC, party_b,
SJ, ulysses, bobbifleckmann, SG
************************************
Old Jokes Home
I've watched the Euros football
round at my hairdressers.
The games are OK, but the
highlights are better.
Still Bored?
A supercut of all the moments
they say "Here for the right
reasons" on The Bachelor.
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