Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, January 21 Yesterday, Sunday, the phone lines, and Internet were down here from before 9 am. Telus malfunction. I walked to Copper's home and Barb called the silly nits, who are paid by the minute, that they can keep a victim on the phone. Calling the number, to see if a drunk had knocked over a phone pole, was of course too technical for them. After an hour of arguing, when Barb's phone battery -and patience-was running down, they agreed to send a tech tomorrow, Monday. I told them via Barb's phone repeatedly that my phone has no dial tone and the phone says "NO LINE". Medium smart onions would realize that that indicates a knocked over phone pole. So Monday they are going to send a tech. He is going to plug in his phone and say: "Duh, looks like you got no line." That's what I have been saying all along, Einstump! Well, your newsletter is all written and ready to send whenever they can get the line fixed. Today's Bonehead Award: Traffic stop fugitive was chased by horses ______________________________________________________ Today, January 21 in 1911 The first Monte Carlo car rally was held. Seven days later it was won by Henri Rougier. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. --- Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938) All Truth passes through Three Stages: First, it is ridiculed... Second, it is Violently Opposed... Third, it is Accepted as being Self-Evident." --- Arthur Schopenhauer "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --- Jeff Valdez ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Wendy: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment! Anni: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. Wendy: What did you say? Anni: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or I am moving out of your house!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ >From Myrna Dear Webby, a few years ago you had that classic bricklayer's compensation board letter. Do you still have it? Can you print it again, please? Thanks Myrna Sure, Myrna, here it is. It must be an all time favorite, because I remember requests for it, when the Humor Letter was still in fax format, before the Internet. Dear Sir: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dominic Maultsby, 29, DeLand, Florida Traffic stop fugitive was chased by horses A police helicopter in Florida captured video when a fleeing suspect was chased through a pasture by a few horses. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office posted video to Twitter showing a heat camera's footage of Dominic Maultsby, 29, fleeing on foot after a traffic stop in DeLand. The video shows Maultsby attempting to hide under a tree before running into a field, where he soon found himself pursued by the horses. The horses did not like him, knocked him ass over teakettle and then chased the suspect until he jumped a nearby fence and was captured by K-9 deputies waiting there. From: Richie Re: Transfer to new machine Dear DearWebby, Can I hook a USB jumper from my old pC to my new PC and transfer all my data and files from one C drive to the other? Do you have a better idea to perform this? thanks Richie Dear Richie No. You can network the machines and transfer your porno pix, but if you try to transfer programs, you will have a big problem. The only safe way to do that is by following the advice of Intel and Microsoft: Use PC Mover from LapLink. Just hit the PC Mover banner in the Humor Letter. It is not free. Just consider it part of the cost of your new computer. I have used Laplink since the 80's and have never had a problem with it. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, " BS! Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Oatmeal Face Scrub This is a simple and cheap face scrub that helps get rid of blackheads. Make a paste with oatmeal and water and apply it liberally to your face. Let the paste dry completely and then rub it off with your fingers. As you remove the oatmeal you will also remove any dead skin. Lastly, rinse your face with warm water. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | 13 things Messy Nessy found on the internet today. |
___________________________________________________ >From Pat in OZ "It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." ___________________________________________________ A friend went to her doctor the other day and the man was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just have to learn to live it," he said. When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter. Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter." The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie." ___________________________________________________ | Today January 21 in 1789 W.H. Brown's "Power of Sympathy" was published. It was the first American novel to be published. The novel is also known as the "Triumph of Nature Founded in Truth". 1793 During the French Revolution, King Louis XVI was executed on the guillotine. He had been condemned for treason. 1853 Dr. Russell L. Hawes patented the envelope folding machine. 1865 An oil well was drilled by torpedoes for the first time. 1900 Canadian troops set sail to fight in South Africa. The Boers had attacked Ladysmith on January 8, 1900. 1911 The first Monte Carlo car rally was held. Seven days later it was won by Henri Rougier. 1915 The first Kiwanis club was formed in Detroit, MI. 1924 Soviet leader Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died. Joseph Stalin began a purge of his rivals for the leadership of the Soviet Union. 1927 The first opera broadcast over a national radio network was presented in Chicago, IL. The opera was "Faust". 1941 The British communist newspaper, the "Daily Worker," was banned due to wartime restrictions. 1954 The Nautilus was launched in Groton, CT. It was the first atomic-powered submarine. U.S. First Lady Mamie Eisenhower broke the traditional bottle of champagne across the bow. 1954 The gas turbine automobile was introduced in New York City. 1970 The Boeing 747 made its first commercial flight from New York to London for Pan American. 1970 ABC-TV presented "The Johnny Cash Show" in prime time. 1976 The French Concorde SST aircraft began regular commercial service for Air France and British Airways. 1977 U.S. President Carter pardoned almost all Vietnam War draft evaders. 1980 Gold was valued at $850 an ounce. 1994 A jury in Manassas, VA, acquitted Lorena Bobbitt by reason of temporary insanity of maliciously wounding (severing his penis) her husband John. She accused him of sexually assaulting her. 1997 Newt Gingrich was fined as the U.S. House of Representatvies voted for first time in history to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct. 1998 A former White House intern said on tape that she had an affair with U.S. President Clinton. 1999 The U.S. Coast Guard intercepted a ship headed for Houston, TX, that had over 9,500 pounds of cocaine aboard. It was one of the largest drug busts in U.S. history. 2002 In Goma, Congo, about fifty people were killed when lava flow ignited a gas station. The people killed were trying to steal fuel from elevated tanks. The eruption of Mount Nyiragongo began on January 17, 2002. 2002 In London, a 17th century book by Capt. John Smith, founder of the English settlement at Jamestown, was sold at auction for $48,800. "The General History of Virginia, New England and the Summer Isles" was published in 1632. 2003 It was announced by the U.S. Census Bureau that estimates showed that the Hispanic population had passed the black population for the first time. 2019 Do smiled. |
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