Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, January 3 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Man accused of raping a child multiple times, including with blow-up doll, is now missing ___________________________________________________ Today, January 1 in 1833 Britain seized control of the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic. About 150 years later, Argentina seized the islands from the British, but Britain took them back after a 74-day war. _____________________________________________________ Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. --- Lily Tomlin (1939 - ) _____________________________________________________ A German, a Frenchman, and a Jew were out working in the desert. Finally they got back into town and went into the tavern. Says the German: "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have a glass of beer." Says the Frenchman: "I'm tired and thristy, I must have a glass of wine." Says the Jew: "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes." _____________________________________________________ Chicadee, Calgary Shirley Otway ___________________________________________________ *1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to rot."* *2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."* *3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."* *4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."* *5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."* *6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."* *7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."* *8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."* *9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."* *10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."* *11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."* *12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."* *15. "He's been working with glue too much."* *16. "He would argue with a sign post."* *17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."* *18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."* *19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."* *20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."* *21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."* *22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."* *23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."* *24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."* *25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."* *26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."* *27. "If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean."* *28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."* *29. "One neuron short of a synapse."* *30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only took a picture of it."* *31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."* *32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"* *33. "Somebody forgot to close the lid on the dumpster. Rex is back. *34. "spreads like mayo, smells like skunk. ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Lonnie Keith Cavaness, 60, Pleasant Plains, Independence County, Arkansas, USA Man accused of raping a child multiple times, including with blow-up doll, is now missing A Pleasant Plains man facing multiple counts of rape has gone missing. According to Independence County Sheriff Shawn Stephens, a failure to appear warrant has been issued for 60-year-old Lonnie Keith Cavaness after he missed his last court appearance on Nov. 23. Since that time, no one has been able to find Cavaness, although rumors have made their way to the sheriffs department that Cavaness actually passed away recently. Sheriff Stephens told Region 8 News, theyve heard the same rumor, but said: I dont have any idea. Sheriff Stephens said he drove out to Cavaness home the day he missed court, but he was nowhere to be found. Stephens said Cavaness had a $500,000 bond but was later released to a local hospital because of a serious medical condition Cavaness had before he was ever arrested. No details were released on what the medical condition is. On July 29, the Independence County Sheriffs Office received a referral from the Arkansas State Police Crimes Against Children Division regarding alleged child sexual abuse. The childs parent reported a change in the female juvenile and the childs younger brother since January. During an interview at the Child Safety Center, according to the probable cause affidavit, the female victim reported the suspect, identified as 60-year-old Lonnie Keith Cavaness, penetrated her in various ways too graphic to report here. The child reportedly told Detective Sergeant Zach Rawlins the sexual acts hurt her. She also claimed Cavaness had a doll in his closet. According to the affidavit, she said Cavaness made her play with the doll while he engaged in sexual intercourse with the doll. Detectives then went to Cavanesss home in Pleasant Plains where they reported finding a female blow-up doll with a pump during a search. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Carolyn Re: Crap Cleaner and Ad Aware Dear Webby, I run Ad-aware once a week. If I install Crap Cleaner will I have a problem? Seem like some programs are not compatible with it. Thanks- you are always helpful!!! Carolyn Dear Carolyn Should be no problem at all. They go after totally different things and Crap Cleaner exits cleanly after doing it's work. Have FUN! DearWebby A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother, he's 22, and he's half nuts." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ These were actual hospital patient reports...enjoy! 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. ____________________________________________ Hospital Bloopers - Part Two... These were actual hospital patient reports...enjoy! 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 17. Rectal exam ination revealed a normal size thyroid. 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. ____________________________________________ My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today Jan 3 in 1496 References in Leonardo da Vinci notebooks suggested that he tested his flying machine. The test didn't succeed and he didn't try to fly again for several years. 1521 Pope Leo X excommunicated Martin Luther. 1777 The Battle of Princeton took place in the War of Independence, in which George Washington defeated the British forces, led by Cornwallis. 1815 By secret treaty, Austria, Britain, and France formed a defensive alliance against Prusso-Russian plans to solve the Saxon and Polish problems. 1823 Stephen F. Austin received a grant from the Mexican government and began colonization in the region of the Brazos River in Texas. 1825 The first engineering college in the U.S. , Rensselaer School, opened in Troy, NY. It is now known as Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. 1833 Britain seized control of the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic. About 150 years later, Argentina seized the islands from the British, but Britain took them back after a 74-day war. 1868 The Shogunate was abolished in Japan and Meiji dynasty was restored. 1871 Henry W. Bradley patented oleomargarine. 1888 The drinking straw was patented by Marvin C. Stone. 1924 English explorer Howard Carter discovered the sarcophagus of Tutankhamen in the Valley of the Kings, near Luxor, Egypt. 1925 In Italy, Mussolini announced that he would take dictatorial powers. 1938 The March of Dimes was established by U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The organization fights poliomyelitis. The original name of the organization was the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis. 1947 U.S. Congressional proceedings were televised for the first time. Viewers in Washington, Philadelphia and New York City saw some of the opening ceremonies of the 80th Congress. 1947 In Trenton, NJ, Al Herrin, passed away at age 92. He had claimed that he had not slept at all during his life. 1953 Frances Bolton and her son, Oliver from Ohio, became the first mother-son combination to serve at the same time in the U.S. Congress. 1957 The Hamilton Watch Company introduced the first electric watch. 1959 In the U.S., Alaska became the 49th state. 1961 The U.S. severed diplomatic relations with Cuba. 1962 Pope John XXIII excommunicated Cuban prime minister Fidel Castro. 1967 Jack Ruby died in a Dallas, TX, hospital. 1980 Conservationist Joy Adamson, author of "Born Free," was killed in northern Kenya by a servant. 1984 A woman died at Disneyland after falling from a ride. She had apparently unfastened her seatbelt while on the Matterhorn bobsled. 1988 Margaret Thatcher became the longest-serving British Prime Minister in the 20th century. 1990 Ousted Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega surrendered to U.S. forces, 10 days after taking refuge in the Vatican's diplomatic mission. 1991 The British government announced that seven Iraqi diplomats, another embassy staff member and 67 other Iraqis were being expelled from Britain. 1995 WHO reported that the cumulative total of officially reported cases of AIDS had risen to 1,025,073 in 192 countries as at the end of 1994. 1995 The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of the first-class stamp to 32 cents. 1998 China announced that it would spend $27.7 billion to fight erosion and pollution in the Yangtze and Yellow river valleys. 1999 Israeli authorities detained, and later expelled, 14 members of Concerned Christians. Israili officials claimed that the Denver, CO-based cult was plotting violence in Jerusalem to bring about the Second Coming of Christ. 2000 Charles M. Schulz's final original daily comic strip appeared in newspapers. 2001 The ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms) charged the "Texas 7" with weapons violations. An autopsy showed that Office Aubrey Hawkins, killed by the convicts, had been shot 11 times and run over with a vehicle. 2004 NASA's Spirit rover landed on Mars. The craft was able to send back black and white images three hours after landing. 2019 The Chinese probe Chang'e 4 became the first human-made object to land on the far side of the Moon. 2020 Do smiled. |
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