--- Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, July 3 The people in the US, who are still loyal subjects to the Imperial British measurement system, and have not yet gotten permission from the Queen to upgrade to metric, will have to wait another day for their Independence day. So it's my day to razz you about your quaint BTU (British Thermal Unit), Fahrenheit, Feet, Cubits, Yards, Furlongs, heaped and struck bushels, and all the neat stuff we read about in the old fairy tales and history books. Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Florida woman sentenced for hiding handcuff key in chicken sandwich Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, July 3 in 1939 Chic Young's comic strip character, "Blondie" was first heard on CBS radio. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams." The husband had to visit the hospital after that. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Earth July 2 _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO.. Alabama Hell Yeah, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona Yeah, But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Lituracy Ain't Everythang. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts , only smaller Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills. Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt! Michigan First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes Mississippi Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections! Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Your ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... And No Right To Self Defense! North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum Texas Se Hable Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Too liberal for the Kennedy's Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix? Washington Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor! West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut the Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared Home of Brokeback Mtn. The District of Columbia The Work-Free Drug Place ! BC Like California but more rain ALBERTA Where your natural gas comes from SASKATCHEWAN We got grain elevators taller than our mountains MANITOBA Hundreds of lakes and gazillions of mosquitos ONTARIO Center of the universe QUEBEC Everybody assumes you are an asshole, but racism is socially bacceptable NEW BRUNSWICK You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken Celtic fiddlers NOVA SCOTIA Everyone is a fiddle player PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND You can drive across the the province in two minutes NEWFOUNDLAND Reason for the Newfie jokes YUKON TERRITORY Gold, fish and beer. And Midnight Sun. NORTHWEST TERRITORY Big ass diamond mine and a Million lakes NUNAVUT No scenery but lots of photogenic Polar bears ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Trisha Denlinger, 48, Baldwin, Florida Florida woman sentenced for hiding handcuff key in chicken sandwich The Baldwin woman accused of concealing a plastic handcuff key in a chicken sandwich at Florida State Prison has now been sentenced to 30 months in prison. WOKV told you back in April that 48-year-old Trisha Denlinger had been arrested. She has now pleaded nolo contendere in Bradford County to unlawful possession of a handcuff key and conveying tools to aid escape and been sentenced to 30 months, with credit for 60 days time served. Denlinger arranged to visit her husband at Florida State Prison, where he was an inmate, according to her arrest affidavit. Records say she purchased a sealed chicken sandwich, unsealed it, heated it in a microwave, and then gave it to a Correctional Officer to search. Investigators say the Officer found a plastic handcuff key in that sandwich. The arrest affidavit says Denlinger went through three prison fences, four gates, and a metal detector. Her person items had gone through an X-ray scanner, per the Florida Department of Corrections. Tech Support Pits From Susan RE: Auto responders Dear Webby Hi there, your daily letter is not only funny but invariably useful tech-wise! As always, many thanks (and a question, of course)! Is there an auto-responder software that you recommend? I only want it for the two months this summer when we will be out of the country and away from e-mail (yay). Thanks, Susan Dear Susan Autoresponders are a nuisance and will get you blocked. Since your friends seem to be more or less literate, send them an email telling them that you will be off-line till fall. Send the email to yourself, and put the entire address book into the BCC. Half of them will forget in two minutes and mail you anyway, but will rememeber when there is no speedy reply. Have FUN DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Out canvassing for a charity, my friend Irene and I knocked at a door. It was opened by a huge bear of a man, who was wearing a large black bra, over his shirt. Irene, being a devout Catholic, crossed herself, backed up ready to make a fast retreat. I asked politely for a donation, trying to keep my eyes from wandering to his protruding undergarment. He grinned evilly at me, "Wanna feel em?" Horrified, I turned to leave, when one side of his bra came alive with motion. Irene was now crossing herself with a flurry, muttering, "Jaysus, Mary and Murphy." She was begging the saints to protect her, when a tiny tail flipped out of his bra. "Oh my sweet Lord," she squealed, "He's got rats in his boobs," bolted for the car, offering up 'Hail Mary's.' as she tore off the porch. An old lady came out of the house, glared at the man, who just grinned back. He put his hands up to cradle both cups, which were now writhing with movement. She turned to me asking, "Did he ask you to play with them?" "Yes", I gulped. "Well," she said, patting my hand, " He's not too bright, but it's not what you think." She ordered him to pull his bra out so I could peek inside. Hesitantly I watched, while he pulled the garment down. When I got a good look I burst out laughing. Tiny muzzles with whiskers, long sinuous bodies, small heads with bright beady eyes, stared back at me. "Their mama died," he explained, " This bra is the perfect place to keep them warm." Both cups were filled to the brim with tiny baby ferrets. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 250 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new heavy duty bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Birdbath Use two large stackable plastic bowls. Nail one of them onto a fence post, and set the other one into it. That way it will be held securely in any wind, but is easy to remove for cleaning or filling. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | Daguerreotypes of anonymous African Americans. |
___________________________________________________ The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line." "This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now." "He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A newspaper reporter for the Los Angeles Times had received instructions from his senior editor to get photographs of a brush fire in the foothills of northern California. The instructions included hurrying to the Santa Monica Airport to board a small plane, taking some photos of the fire, and hurrying back by noon with the story. The reporter dressed quickly, rushed to the airport, saw the small plane waiting on the runway, drove his car to the end of the runway, parked, and climbed on board. Off they flew into the clear blue skies. At about 5,000 feet, the reporter took out his camera and said to the man flying the plane, "Bank right and I'll take some pictures of this fire." Then he heard the most frightening questions of his life, "Bank right? How do I do that? You ARE the instructor, aren't you?" ____________________________________________________ | Today, July 3 in 1608 The city of Quebec was founded by Samuel de Champlain. 1844 Ambassador Caleb Cushing successfully negotiated a commercial treaty with China that opened five Chinese ports to U.S. merchants and protected the rights of American citizens in China. 1863 The U.S. Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, PA, ended after three days. It was a major victory for the North as Confederate troops retreated. 1871 The Denver and Rio Grande Western Railroad Company introduced the first narrow-gauge locomotive. It was called the "Montezuma." 1878 John Wise flew the first dirigible in Lancaster, PA. 1898 During the Spanish American War, a fleet of Spanish ships in Cuba's Santiago Harbor attempted to run a blockade of U.S. naval forces. Nearly all of the Spanish ships were destroyed in the battle that followed. 1903 The first cable across the Pacific Ocean was spliced between Honolulu, Midway, Guam and Manila. 1930 The U.S. Congress created the U.S. Veterans Administration. 1937 Del Mar race track opened in Del Mar, CA. 1939 Chic Young's comic strip character, "Blondie" was first heard on CBS radio. 1940 Bud Abbott and Lou Costello debuted on NBC radio. 1944 The U.S. First Army opened a general offensive to break out of the hedgerow area of Normandy, France. 1944 During World War II, Soviet forces recaptured Minsk. 1945 U.S. troops landed at Balikpapan and take Sepinggan airfield on Borneo in the Pacific. 1945 The first civilian passenger car built since February 1942 was driven off the assembly line at the Ford Motor Company plant in Detroit, MI. Production had been diverted due to World War II. 1950 U.S. carrier-based planes attacked airfields in the Pyongyang- Chinnampo area of North Korea in the first air-strike of the Korean War. 1954 Food rationing ended in Great Britain almost nine years after the end of World War II. 1974 The Threshold Test Ban Treaty was signed, prohibiting underground nuclear weapons tests with yields greater than 150 kilotons. 1981 The Associated Press ran its first story about two rare illnesses afflicting homosexual men. One of the diseases was later named AIDS. 1986 U.S. President Reagan presided over a ceremony in New York Harbor that saw the relighting of the renovated Statue of Liberty. 1986 Mikhail Baryshnikov became a U.S. citizen at Ellis Island, New York Harbor. 1991 U.S. President George H.W. Bush formally inaugurated the Mount Rushmore National Memorial in South Dakota. 2018 Do smiled. |
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