Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, August 3 Thank You, Francis! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 3, in 1492, Christopher Columbus left Palos, Spain with three ships. The voyage led him to what is now known as the Americas. He reached the Bahamas on October 12. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Elderly store owner opens fire on boneheaded armed robbers armed with rifle in Norco, California _________________________________________________ The trouble with normal is it always gets worse. --- Bruce Cockburn A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) __________________________________________________ >From Mark A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't? ___________________________________________________ A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to put on a robe and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in that $220 an hour truck. Where do you want them?" __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Justin Johnson, 22, Jamar Williams, 27, of Los Angeles, Davon Broadus, 24, of Las Vegas, plus one more still in hospital. USA Elderly store owner opens fire on boneheaded robber armed with rifle in Norco, California NORCO, Calif. - The owner of a store that was targeted by would-be robbers turned the tables on one of the suspects by opening fire on him in Norco. Authorities said that at 2:45 a.m. on Sunday, four male suspects in a black BMW SUV attempted to rob Norco Market & Liquor, located in the 2800 block of Clark Avenue. Surveillance video obtained by FOX 11 shows a male suspect wearing a red and black sweatshirt and a ski mask entering the store before he points a rifle at the store owner who was behind the counter. Noticing that the man entering the store was armed, the store owner swiftly grabbed a shotgun from underneath the counter and opened fire on the suspect. The suspect is then seen fleeing the store. As the suspect ran out of the store, surveillance video from outside the establishment showed a second suspect inside the black SUV exiting the vehicle, also armed. On their way back to the getaway car, the suspect is heard shouting, "He shot my arm off." However, after noticing the first suspect running from the scene, both suspects got back into the vehicle and drove away. The suspects were located at a Southern California hospital, one of whom was suffering from a gunshot wound consistent with a shotgun blast, authorities said. Three additional suspects were also located at the hospital in the suspect vehicle, which had been previously reported stolen. The BMW SUV was also found to contain numerous stolen firearms. Justin Johnson, 22, of Inglewood, Jamar Williams, 27, of Los Angeles, and Davon Broadus, 24, of Las Vegas, were each taken into custody in the hospital parking lot and booked into the Robert Presley Detention Center for robbery and conspiracy. They are being held in lieu of $500,000 bail. The primary suspect, a 23-year-old male, remains hospitalized in critical, but stable condition, and his identity has not been released at this time. He will be booked into a Riverside County jail upon his release from the hospital, authorities said. "In this case, a lawfully armed member of our community prevented a violent crime and ensured their own safety, while being confronted with multiple armed suspects," deputies wrote in a press release. The store owner suffered a heart attack shortly after the incident. He is in the hospital recovering after the health scare, FOX 11's Gina Silva reports. _____________________________________________________ When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.' _____________________________________________________ >From Joe When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks. We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting. Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong." I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right." _____________________________________________________ >From Lynn When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection. First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale." Follow these two rules and you won't go far wrong. ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Harold RE: Alternate Alarmclock program Dear Webby, You gave me the ALARM program in the 90s, and for one alarm per day, it has worked just fine. Never any problem. However, now I need something a bit fancier for more than one alarm. Whatcha got? Harold Dear Harold Try Free Alarm Clock https://freealarmapp.com/ It has more bells and whistles than you can try in a year. You can even set an alarm for your wife's birthday and a diferent one for her mother. It might take a bit of instruction reading, but anything you can think of, is in there somewhere. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Mark A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't? _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ The devout cowboy lost his favorite BIBLE while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the BIBLE in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book from the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ It has come to the notice of the management that employees have been found dying on the job, and either refusing or neglecting to fall over. This practise has to cease forthwith, and employees found dead in an upright position will immediately be removed from the payroll. In future if a foreman notices that an employee has made no movement for a period of one hour it will be his duty to investigate as to the cause as it is almost impossible to distinguish between death and natural movement of some employees; foremen are asked to make very careful investigation by holding a pay packet in front of a suspected corpse, this being considered a most reliable test. There are, however, cases where natural instinct has been deeply ingrained and the hand of the corpse will make spasmodic clutches after rigor mortis has set in. The most successful test is to whisper "SUNDAY WORK". This has been known to restore animation to a body which has been motionless all week. The above-mentioned test should not be applied to foremen or assistant foremen, as in their cases movement of any kind is unnecessary. Whispering "Beer in the parking lot" has been proven to be unreliable since some corpses sleepwalk when hearing that phrase. _____________________________________________________ A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "No, it's much worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's Recipe file." _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Real Bumper Stickers Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Hang up and drive. Lord save me from your followers. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Evolution of Mom Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Baby's Name 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a bit of every day hiding from the children. ___________________________________________________ The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" ______________________________________________________ A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead beast. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The pigmy answered, "Yes." The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us." ____________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, August 3, in 1492, Christopher Columbus left Palos, Spain with three ships. The voyage led him to what is now known as the Americas. He reached the Bahamas on October 12. 1750, Christopher Dock completed the first book of teaching methods. It was titled "A Simple and Thoroughly Prepared School Management." 1777, During the Siege of Fort Stanwix the first U.S. flag was officially flown during battle. 1880, The American Canoe Association was formed at Lake George, NY. 1900, Firestone Tire & Rubber Co. was founded. 1914, Germany declared war on France and was invited in without much opposition.. The next day World War I began when Britain declared war on Germany. 1922, WGY radio in Schenectady, NY, presented the first full- length melodrama on radio. The work was "The Wolf", written by Eugene Walter. 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th president of the U.S. after the sudden death of President Harding. 1933, The Mickey Mouse Watch was introduced for the price of $2.75. 1936, The U.S. State Department advised Americans to leave Spain due to the Spanish Civil War. 1943, Gen. George S. Patton verbally abused and slapped a private. Later, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower ordered him to apologize for the incident. 1956, Bedloe's Island had its name changed to Liberty Island. 1958, The Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. The mission was known as "Operation Sunshine." 1979, "More American Graffiti" was released. 1981, U.S. traffic controllers with PATCO, the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization, went on strike. They were fired just as U.S. President Reagan had warned. 1985, Mail service returned to a nudist colony in Paradise Lake, FL. Residents promised that they'd wear clothes or stay out of sight when the mailperson came to deliver. 1988, The Iran-Contra hearings ended. No ties were made between U.S. President Reagan and the Nicaraguan Rebels. 1988, The Soviet Union released Mathias Rust. He had been taken into custody on May 28, 1987 for landing a plane in Moscow's Red Square. 1990, Thousands of Iraqi troops pushed within a few miles of the border of Saudi Arabia. This heightened world concerns that the invasion of Kuwait could spread. 1992, The U.S. Senate voted to restrict and eventually end the testing of nuclear weapons. 1992, Russia and Ukraine agreed to put the Black Sea Fleet under joint command. The agreement was to last for three years. 1995, Eyad Ismoil was flown from Jordan to the U.S. to face charges that he had driven the van that blew up in New York's World Trade Center. 2004, In New York, the Statue of Liberty re-opened to the public. The site had been closed since the terrorist attacks on the U.S. on September 11, 2001. 2004, NASA launched the spacecraft Messenger. The 6 1/2 year journey was planned to arrive at the planet Mercury in March 2011. On April 30, 2015, Messenger crashed into the surface of Mercury after sending back more than 270,000 pictures. 2009, Bolivia became the first South American country to declare the right of indigenous people to govern themselves. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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