Good Morning, Do, Today is Sunday, February 4 Thank you, Paul!! Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Utah career criminal arrested after he assaulted cop Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, February 4 in 1783 Britain declared a formal cessation of hostilities with its former colonies, the United States of America. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of the same name. --- Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963) There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832) What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? --- Irv Kupcinet ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Phil in England for these requests from tenants: "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared." "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." "The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?" "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." "The person next door has a large erection in his backyard, which is unsightly and dangerous." "Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like to have a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it." "Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us." "I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting to be too much." "When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a real mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy." ______________________________________________________ One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street. However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!" The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion growls, "Shut up, you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Toucan _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sheila for this story from Down-Under: All I wanted to do was advertise my lawnmower for sale. You'd think that would be quite straightforward. But noooooo, not with The Australian. "Can I take your ad?" the cheerful typist answered when I called the hotline. "Ah, yes, I want to sell my lawnmower," I said. "In the Wanted to Sell section? Certainly, sir. What do you want to say?" she said. fingers obviously ready at her keyboard. "Um, what about "Lawnmower for sale, and then my phone number?" I said. I sensed her apprehension and I heard no typing. "Too much information?" I asked. "No, er, sir...actually, you need probably a few more details to attract prospective buyers," she said. "Concentrate on some of the selling points" "Like what?" I asked. "Well, sir, perhaps you could say what kind of a lawnmower it is." "It's an orange one, or at least it was when I bought it nine years ago. You can still see some bits of orange though between the caked-up dry grass." "No, I'm not sure the color, or even the color it used to be, is all that relevant," she said. "How about telling me what make of lawnmower it is?" "I dunno," I said. "There use to be a model number on the side. I know they don't make them anymore. It's probably still there under all the dried crud, but I can't see it." "Um, let's see," she said. "Maybe you can tell me if it is a two-stroke or a four-stroke engine. Prospective buyers probably would want to know that. "It's neither," I said. "It used to be electric." "Used to be? How do you mean sir?" she asked. "I think the engine is shot," I said. "All it does now is go rrrrrrrrrr and blows one of the house fuses." "Oh, that doesn't sound very good," she said. "I know," I said. "I took it to the repair shop, and they said it would cost just as much to fix it as to buy a new one. Thast's why I want to sell it." "I see," she said. "Perhaps a handyman will buy it and do it up more cheaply than the repair shop can." "Yeah, that`s what I reckoned," I said. "I just hope they can fix the wheels too though." "The wheels?" the typist said. "What's wrong with the wheels?" "Nothing," I said. "They're nearly as good as the day I bought the lawnmower. Good tires and they go round and round and round, no worries." "But you said you hoped the buyer could fix them?" she said. "Yeah well, they keep falling off, that's all," I said. "They're good wheels though. If someone fixed them on really tight, they go round and round and round, no worries. Unless of course, the engine is burnt out. The the wheels just seem to sit there doing bugger-all as the lawnmower goes rrrrrrrrr and blows a house fuse. That's not the end of the world though, unless you don't happen to twig what's happening and great-uncle Isaac, whose head you are cryogenically storing in the freezer, begins to thaw out. Could be worse though. The lawnmower engine could suddenly start, unexpectedly, roar into life and you could accidentally run over the power cord and electrocute yourself and short the power circuit at the same time. Then your wife would really have some mess to clean up." "I see," said the typist. "And....er....how much do you want to ask for it?" "As much as I can get, or the nearest offer," I said. How much will this ad cost me? I better factor that in." "Ten dollars a line," she said. "So, what do you reckon I should say in the ad?" I asked, hoping to get some expert advice. "Oh dear, let's see," she said. She coughed. It sounded a bit like a surpressed laughter. "How about just... "Lawnmower for sale" and your phone number?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Paul Douglas Anderson, 40, Spanish Fork, Utah Utah career criminal arrested after he assaulted cop A Spanish Fork man was arrested after police say he attacked a police officer, prompting a brief lockdown of nearby businesses and an elementary school while other officers searched for him Friday afternoon. Springville police said Paul Douglas Anderson, 40, was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest, theft, burglary and failing to stop at an officer's command. He was booked into Utah County Jail. Meanwhile, the officer was being treated for an orbital eye socket fracture and facial lacerations at a hospital Friday evening. The incident began when an officer responded to a report of a man acting suspiciously near 700 S. Main St. shortly before 2 p.m., according to Springville Police Chief Scott Finlayson in a statement. The officer spotted the man, identified as Anderson, in a Tabitha's Way Local Food Pantry donation box with his feet dangling out. When the officer approached Anderson, the man got out of the donation box and put his hands in his pockets, Finlayson said. When the officer told him to get his hands out of pockets, he refused to comply before attacking the officer, punching him in the face "repeatedly," according to Finlayson. As Anderson was attacking the officer, a good Samaritan driving by stopped and intervened by pulling out a gun and ordering Anderson to stop, Finlayson said. Anderson then fled on foot. Anderson was taken into custody about 30 minutes later after officers set up a perimeter in the area. Finlayson said a witness saw the man hiding under a flatbed trailer across the street where the attack occurred. He was taken into custody without further incident. Court records show Anderson has a lengthy criminal history in the state of Utah. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Sandra Re: BreastCancer Site Dear Webby, Please send to someone. It is Important!!!! A favor to ask, it only takes a minute... A SIMPLE CLICK ONCE A DAY! Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The BreastCancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/ AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 MORE FRIENDS TODAY, Sandra Dear Sandra I have had a link to the breastcancer site in the side menu since the 90`s. Just scroll down until you see two cute girls smiling at you. Pounce on any part of them with your mouse, and you will wind up at the Breastcancer site. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Are church bulletin board bloopers intentional, to start at least SOME form of communication? Sometimes I wonder. Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo." Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church bored. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. Fifth Sinday is Lent. Thank you, dead friends. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the divident asunder of soup and spirit. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. Volunteers are needed to spit up food. Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess We pray that our people will jumble themselves. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom." The voice on the other end of the line said, "Finkel...Finkel, Let me see... Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send her home Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Your Spouse and Your Credit Score Keep in mind that your credit report may be tied to your spouse's. If your spouse has bad credit habits, it could effect your credit as well. Even a divorce will not necessarily eliminate negative marks against your credit since you may be held accountable for any joint accounts and shared debt. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other "So, what do you hunt?" He answered "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" | | Things found on the internet. |
Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when she got a phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?" Jill said, "Nine dollars per seat." She asked, "How much for children?" Jill said, "Same price, nine dollars per seat." She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." Jill said, "Fine. Put the kids on a plane, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, February 4, in 1783 Britain declared a formal cessation of hostilities with its former colonies, the United States of America. 1789 Electors unanimously chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States. 1824 J.W. Goodrich introduced rubber galoshes to the public. 1847 In Maryland, the first U.S. Telegraph Company was established. 1861 Delegates from six southern states met in Montgomery, AL, to form the Confederate States of America. 1904 The Russo-Japanese War began after Japan laid siege to Port Arthur. 1913 Louis Perlman received a patent for his demountable tire-carrying rims. 1932 The first Winter Olympics were held in the United States at Lake Placid, NY. 1936 Radium E. became the first radioactive substance to be produced synthetically. 1945 During World War II, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began a conference at Yalta to outline plans for Germany's defeat. 1948 Ceylon gained independence within the British Commonwealth. The country later became known as Sri Lanka. 1957 Smith-Corona Manufacturing Inc., of New York, began selling portable electric typewriters. The first machine weighed 19 pounds. 1968 The world's largest hovercraft was launched at Cowes, Isle of Wight. 1973 The Reshef was unveiled as Israel's missile boat. 1974 Patricia (Patty) Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley, CA, by the Symbionese Liberation Army. 1976 An earthquake in Guatemala and Honduras killed more than 22,000 people. 1985 U.S. President Ronald Reagan's defense budget called for a tripling of the expenditure on the "Star Wars" research program. 1993 Russian scientists unfurled a giant mirror in orbit and flashed a beam of sunlight across Europe during the night. Observers saw it only as a momentary flash. 1997 A civil jury in California found O.J. Simpson liable in the death of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Goldman's parents were awarded $8.5 million in compensatory damages. 1997 Two Israeli troop-carrying helicopters collided on their way to Lebanon, all 73 soldiers and airmen aboard were killed. 1997 President Milosevic of Serbia apparently surrendered to the will of his people, ordering his government to recognize opposition victories in local elections held in November 1996. 1997 Mario Lemieux (Pittsburgh Penguins) scored his 600th National Hockey League (NHL) goal during his 719th game. Lemieux reached the milestone second fastest in history. Gretzky had reached the plateau during his 718th game. 1998 In northeast Afghanistan, at least 5,000 people were killed in an earthquake that measured 6.1 on the Richter Scale. 1999 Warplanes from Israel attacked south Lebanon just after rockets were fired toward Israel. No casualies were claimed on either side. 1999 Amadou Diallo, an unarmed West African immigrant, was shot and killed in front of his Bronx home by four plainclothes New York City police officers. The officers had been conducting a nighttime search for a rape suspect. 2000 Austrian President Thomas Klestil swore in a coalition government that included Joerg Haider's far-right Freedom Party. European Union sanctions were a result of the action. 2003 Yugoslavia was formally dissolved by lawmakers. The country was replaced with a loose union of its remaining two republics, Serbia and Montenegro. 2004 The social networking website Facebook.com was launched. 2018 Do smiled. |
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