Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, April 30 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: London Marathon faker is in jail now Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, April 30 in 1993 CERN put the World Wide Web software in the public domain. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. --- William Blake (1757 - 1827) University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Rosie for this story: My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started." Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Yeah, I remember those, but have a mental block against their name. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Stanley Skupien, 38, London, England London Marathon scammer who stole race number, in jail now. Stanley Skupien claimed another man's medal after running the final two miles of London Marathon Stanley Skupien, 38, who sleeps rough at Heathrow Airport, told the Sun that crossing the finish line was a 'dream come true'. Runner Jake Halliday lost his race number after he hit 24 miles, and despite only have a few more miles to go he was unable to finish without it. Jake, 28, from Edinburgh, was disqualified after raising 48,000 for blood cancer charity Bloodwise. Stanley told the publication: 'I saw the number face-up in the middle of the road. I knew if I had one I would get a medal my heart leaped, it was a dream come true. I had no thoughts of the person whose number it was.' He said he was in tears when a woman put the medal around his neck and told min 'well done.' Stanley added: 'It was my biggest moment ever.' A Facebook post by Peter Mowbray caught the 'cheat' after spotting the official finish line photos of Stanley wearing Jake's number. He wrote: 'I couldn't believe this so we went on the Virgin London Marathon website and you can clearly see Jake's number and you can clearly see the pictures of Jake are completely different to the guy with his number at the end. 'To see this man smiling and postulating with someone else's medal made me personally very very angry. I felt very sick at first.' Stanley, a Polish-born builder, said he 'feels bad for Jake'. He was arrested at Heathrow on Tuesday on an unrelated theft charge. A London Marathon spokesman said: 'We are aware a man was arrested at Heathrow. We are now awaiting further information.' Tech Support Pits From: Renate Re: Bulk delete Gmails Dear Webby, My Gmail is close to locking up. I am at 99%. Gmail doesn't have any function to delete entire years. They say it would lock up their servers. I am sure you have a trick to go around that! What do I do? Renate Dear Renate There IS a way around their restrictions, but it is not easy. First, make some hot keys in Gmail. Go into settings, Keyboard shortcuts and make ` a shortcut for Select All on the page Yes `, the key to the left of the 1 Then make the 1 the shortcut for "Delete Selected". Those 2 will be your power tools. Then set the number of mails per page to 100. You can't go higher, somebody is worried you would lock up their servers. Now dump the TRASH and the SPAM folder. You are never going to look at them anyway. OK, now paste this into the search line on top: before:2016/01/01 (You can, of course, use any date as the deadline) Next hover over the "1-100 of many" button and select "Oldest" You may have to play with that a bit. Now you see the mail that is from before 2016. 100 of them anyway. If the mails that show are not from before 2016, then you missed a step. Once you see the mails from before 2016, hit your left power tool. ` 100 mails are selected. Now hit the second power tool: "1" Those selected mails are gone. It will take a while, when you have nearly 15 GB of mail, but it will work. Now just toggle between ` and 1 Each time you hit ` a hundred mails are selected, and when you hit 1, those are dumped. This finger exercise is perfect for when you are on the phone, or if your cyber lover is a slow typist. After each session, dump the trash. Your finger exercises just re- assign the location of the mails from INBOX to TRASH. They are still there, just their cap has been turned backwards. Dumping the trash gets rid of them. You will soon have plenty of elbow room in your Gmail. Have FUN DearWebby Thanks to Ross for this story: Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circum- stance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "N" for tails. Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again. The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by her desk and asked if she was ok. "Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back through and checking my answers!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Online Resources For Driving Directions If you have an appointment somewhere that you haven't been before, use a free online website like http://mapquest.com or http://maps.google.com to get driving directions. You can enter your starting location, your destination and get step by step directions, including a map. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com NEVER check for shortest distance! Always check for shortest time. A shortest distance route will often zigzag you trough a busy downtown with thousands of stop signs and traffic lights and you could waste a day getting through Phoenix, Az, for example. The fastest route will be a few miles more, but without a single stop sign. Also check the highway reports for the area and then take a zoomed out overview and apply common sense. You may decide to add a midway point to drag the route away from an area with lots of construction. Half an hour on the net can save you a lot of aggravation and gas and time. Once I have my route nailed down, I usually print it with ClickBook in 4 page per sheet paperback book size. Especially on a long trip, a neat little booklet is a lot easier to use than a stack of full size loose sheets. By the way, you don't need a special printer for that. Any printer will do. All you need is the ClickBook program. Highly recommended! I also use it to print out e-books in paperback size front and back printed. Saves a lot on paper and ink and makes nice, compact booklets. ____________________________________________________ >From Rosie My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start." | Concrete patch gone wrong. |
___________________________________________________ Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do *you* know, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so" "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drinking for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no-one will know" The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple Southern Comfort on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the Southern Comfort in a teacup?" "Oh no! Is that the mayor dressed up as a Nun again, is she?" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, April 30 in 0030 Jesus of Nazareth was crucified. 0313 Licinius unified the whole of the eastern empire under his own rule. 1250 King Louis IX of France was ransomed for one million dollars. 1527 Henry VIII and King Francis of France signed the treaty of Westminster. 1725 Spain withdrew from Quadruple Alliance. 1789 George Washington took office as first elected U.S. president. 1803 The U.S. purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million. 1812 Louisiana admitted as the 18th U.S. state. 1849 The republican patriot and guerrilla leader Giuseppe Garabaldi repulsed a French attack on Rome. 1864 Work began on the Dams along the Red River. The work would allow Union General Nathaniel Banks' troops to sail over the rapids above Alexandria, Louisiana. 1889 George Washington's inauguration became the first U.S. national holiday. 1900 Hawaii was organized as an official U.S. territory. 1900 Casey Jones was killed while trying to save the runaway train "Cannonball Express." 1930 The Soviet Union proposed a military alliance with France and Great Britain. 1938 Happy Rabbit appeared in the cartoon "Porky's Hare Hunt." This rabbit would later evolve into Bugs Bunny. 1939 The first railroad car equipped with fluorescent lights was put into service. The train car was known as the "General Pershing Zephyr." 1943 The British submarine HMS Seraph dropped 'the man who never was,' a dead man the British planted with false invasion plans, into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain. 1945 Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had been married for one day. One week later Germany surrendered unconditionally. 1947 The name of Boulder Dam, in Nevada, was changed back to Hoover Dam. 1948 The Organization of American States (OAS) held its first meeting in Bogota, Colombia. The institution's goal was to facilitate better relations between the member nations and to help prevent the spread of communism in the Western Hemisphere. 1952 Mr. Potato Head became the first toy to be advertised on network television. 1953 The British West Indian colonies agreed on the formation of the British Caribbean Federation that would eventually become a self- governing unit in the British Commonwealth. 1964 The FCC ruled that all TV receivers should be equipped to receive both VHF and UHF channels. 1968 U.S. Marines attacked a division of North Vietnamese in the village of Dai Do. 1970 U.S. troops invaded Cambodia to disrupt North Vietnamese Army base areas. The announcement by U.S. President Nixon led to widespread protests. 1972 The North Vietnamese launched an invasion of the South. 1973 U.S. President Nixon announced resignation of Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and other top aides. 1975 Communists North Vietnamese troops entered the Independence Palace of South Vietnam in Saigon. 11 Marines lifted off of the U.S. Embassy roof were the last soldiers to evacuate. 1980 Terrorists seized the Iranian Embassy in London. 1984 U.S. President Reagan signed cultural and scientific agreements with China. He also signed a tax accord that would make it easier for American companies to operate in China. 1991 An estimated 125,000 people were killed in a cyclone that hit Bangladesh. 1993 CERN put the World Wide Web software in the public domain. 1993 Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis match in Hamburg, Germany. The man called himself a fan of second- ranked Steffi Graf. He was convicted of causing grievous bodily harm and received a suspended sentence. 1998 NATO was expanded to include Poland, Hungary and the Czech Republic. The three nations were formally admitted the following April at NATO's 50th anniversary summit. 1998 United and Delta airlines announced their alliance that would give them control of 1/3 of all U.S. passenger seats. 1998 In the U.S., Federal regulators fined a contractor $2.25 million for improper handling of oxygen canisters on ValuJet that crashed in the Florida Everglades in 1996. 2002 Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was overwhelmingly approved for another five years as president. 2012 One World Trade Center became the tallest structure in New York when it surpassed the height of the Empire State Building. 2015 NASA's Messenger spacecraft crashed into the surface of Mercury. The space probe had sent back more than 270,000 pictures to earth. 2018 Do smiled. |
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