Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, February 23 Today's Bonehead Award: Man accused of throwing toilet through front glass of E STL Board of Education building ______________________________________________________ Today, February 23 in 2000 Robby Knievel made a successful motorcycle jump of 200 feet over an oncoming train. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. --- Carl Sandburg (1878 - 1967), ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A third grade teacher was getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turned to one little girl and asked, "What does your Daddy do?" The girl replied, "Whatever my Mommy tells him to do." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Angela for bringing back this classic: My Mother taught me... 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3 My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you ______________________________________________________ Polkadotter _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dave Toliver, East St Louis Illinois Man accused of throwing toilet through front glass of E STL Board of Education building Police said they found him a short time later near the intersection of 11th and Cleveland. Officers said he was sitting on another toilet. A man is facing a property damage charge after police said he threw a toilet through the glass at the front of the East St. Louis Board of Education building. Police said they were called to the building at 10th and State Streets. When they got there, people in the building said Dave Toliver, a 36-year-old Florida man, carried the toilet to the building and threw it through the glass. Police said they found him a short time later near the intersection of 11th and Cleveland. Officers said he was sitting on another toilet. He was charged with one count of criminal property damage, a class-three felony. His bond was set at $10,000. From: Eddie Re: CD reader for DVDs Dear DearWebby Is there is software out there that will play DVD Movies on a CD Burner? Eddie Dear Eddie No, there isn't. CD is a different format, like a different spur line railroad. Just like rail cars from European rail lines, that are based on the width of two horses asses, don't fit onto American rails, which are based on the width of three asses' butts, CD and DVD don't match. There are some DVD's that have a short version in CD format on their back side. You can play the CD side in a CD player, and don't need any special software for that. Have Fun! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Scorpio for this story: Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. They had just pounded a sign into the ground, that reads: "The end is near! Turn yourself around now! Before it's too late!" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window giving the finger and yelling, "Get lost you religious fruit cakes!" From the curve ahead there then followed the horrendous screeching of tires and the sickening thud of a vehicle landing in an abyss. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her... ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Mow in Different Directions Mow in a different direction each time you mow your lawn. This will help prevent wear patterns that can develop when grass is always pushed in the same direction. Mow at a right angle to the previous direction that you mowed. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.' ___________________________________________________ >From Maria Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?" "Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Seababy for this announcement: China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos. There were so many Wings and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always winging wong numbers. I felt you needed to know this. Seababy ___________________________________________________ | Today February 23 in 1574 France began the 5th holy war against the Huguenots. 1660 Charles XI became the king of Sweden. 1813 The first U.S. raw cotton-to-cloth mill was founded in Waltham, MA. 1820 The Cato Street conspiracy was uncovered. 1836 In San Antonio, TX, the siege of the Alamo began. 1847 Santa Anna was defeated at the Battle of Buena Vista in Mexico by U.S. troops under Gen. Zachary. 1861 U.S. President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrived secretly in Washington to take his office after an assassination attempt in Baltimore. 1875 J. Palisa discovered asteroid #143 (aka Adria). 1886 Charles M. Hall completed his invention of aluminum. 1887 The French/Italian Riviera was hit by an earthquake that killed about 2,000. 1896 The Tootsie Roll was introduced by Leo Hirshfield. 1898 In France, Emile Zola was imprisoned for his letter, "J'accuse," which accused the government of anti-Semitism and wrongly jailing Alfred Dreyfus. 1900 The Battle of Hart's Hill took place in South Africa between the Boers and the British army. 1904 The U.S. acquired control of the Panama Canal Zone for $10 million. 1915 Nevada began enforcing convenient divorce law. 1919 The Fascist Party was formed in Italy by Benito Mussolini. 1927 The Federal Radio Commission began assigning frequencies, hours of operation and power allocations for radio broadcasters. On July 1, 1934 the name was changed to the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). 1932 Robert Short became the first American to die in an arial battle with the Japanese. (more info) 1940 Russian troops conquered Lasi Island. 1940 Walt Disney's animated movie "Pinocchio" was released. 1945 The 28th Regiment of the Fifth Marine Division of the U.S. Marines reached the top of Mount Surabachi. A photograph of these Marines raising the American flag was taken. 1954 The first mass vaccination of children against polio began in Pittsburgh, PA. 1958 Juan Fangio, 5-time world diving champion, was kidnapped by Cuban rebels. 1966 The Bitar government in Syria was ended with a military coup. 1970 Guyana became a republic. 1974 The Symbionese Liberation Army demanded $4 million more for the release of Patty Hearst. Hearst had been kidnapped on February 4th. 1980 Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini declared that Iran's new parliament would have to decide the fate of the hostages taken on November 4, 1979, at the U.S. embassy in Tehran. 1991 During the Persian Gulf War, ground forces crossed the border of Saudi Arabia into the country of Iraq. Less than four days later the war was over due to the surrender or withdraw of Iraqi forces. 1993 Gary Coleman won a $1,280,000 lawsuit against his parents. 1997 NBC-TV aired "Schindler's List." It was completely uncensored. 1997 Ali Hassan Abu Kamal, a Palestinian teacher, opened fire on the 86th-floor observation deck of New York City's Empire State Building. He killed one person and wounded six more before killing himself. 1998 In central Florida, tornadoes killed 42 people and damaged and/or destroyed about 2,600 homes and businesses. 1999 In Ankara, Turkey, Abdullah Ocalan was charged with treason. The prosecutors were seeking the death penalty for the Kurdish rebel leader. 1999 White supremacist John William King was found guilty of kidnapping and murdering James Byrd Jr. Byrd was dragged behind a truck for two miles on a country road in Texas. 2000 Robby Knievel made a successful motorcycle jump of 200 feet over an oncoming train. 2005 The New York, NY, city medical examiner's office annouced that it had exhausted all efforts to identify the remains of the people killed at the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, due to the limits of DNA technology. About 1,600 people had been identified leaving more than 1,100 unidentified. 2019 Do smiled. |
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