Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, April 28 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man arrested for at least 5 sexual assaults in Fresno __________________________________________________ On April 28 in 1967, Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was stripped of boxing title. He cited religious grounds for chickening. _____________________________________________________ Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. --- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968) Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. --- Robert Benchley (1889 - 1945) Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice... voluntarily. --- Rita Rudner ____________________________________________________ A drill sergeant escorted new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Sir!" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?" "Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," the husband replied. "Murder often," the wife offered, "but never divorce." ____________________________________________________ Doug McQueen 51minutes ago April/27 - Springbank, AB - first of the year - pretty little Tree Swallow - good to see them back. Best viewed full screen. ___________________________________________________ When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped. ____________________________________________________ A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." ----------------- Hmmmm. I think I will try that! ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sue Hang, 40, FRESNO, California, USA Man arrested for at least 5 sexual assaults in Fresno Fresno police have arrested a man they believe committed at least five sexual assaults last month. The youngest victim is 13 years old, and the oldest is in their fifties. 40-year-old Sue Hang was taken into custody and is facing multiple counts of sexual assault and burglary charges. Police say all these reported assaults took place over a two-week period in late March this year. They are looking for any additional victims or witnesses related to Hang's alleged crimes.Fresno police have arrested a man they believe committed at least five sexual assaults last month. The youngest victim is 13 years old, and the oldest is in their fifties. 40-year-old Sue Hang was taken into custody and is facing multiple counts of sexual assault and burglary charges. Police say all these reported assaults took place over a two-week period in late March this year. They are looking for any additional victims or witnesses related to Hang's alleged crimes. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Yana Re: Cheap virus checker Hi Webby I'm visiting my daughter and I can tell that the silly dingbat has her computer totally infested with viruses. Her cheapskate husband doesn't want to spend money on McAfee or Norton unless I can PROOVE that their computer is infected. Have you got a free on-line virus checker that would do for that? Thanks Yana Try http:/malwarebytes.com, the free trial. I have been using it since they got started many years ago, when full subscribers got a lifetime license for one machine. After ONE day I got the full subscription. I am sure glad I did! Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Great Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since: 1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious. ------------- I did one similar to that, on CO2, the grain fuel. Unfortunately, the morons believed it! DUH!!! No matter how often I tell them that CO2 + Water + Sunshine = Carbohydrates they keep arguing. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Have you heard about the new alcoholic beverage that's on the market now? It's called Bourbon Renewal. After a few drinks your old neighborhood starts to look a lot better. ______________________________________________ A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department. There they said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always notify the next of kin first, since they get to decide what kind of burial they will pay for!" ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please,... Break my arms!" ___________________________________________________ | Today, April 28, in 0357, Constantius II visited Rome for the first time. 1282, Villagers in Palermo led a revolt against French rule in Sicily. 1635, Virginia Governor John Harvey was accused of treason and removed from office. 1686, The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was published. 1789, A mutiny on the British ship Bounty took place when a rebel crew took the ship and set sail to Pitcairn Island. The mutineers left Captain W. Bligh and 18 sailors adrift. 1818, U.S. President James Monroe proclaimed naval disarmament on the Great Lakes and Lake Champlain. 1896, The Addressograph was patented by J.S. Duncan. 1902, A revolution broke out in the Dominican Republic. 1910, First night air flight was performed by Claude Grahame-White in England. 1914, W.H. Carrier patented the design of his air conditioner. 1916, The British declared martial law throughout Ireland. 1920, Azerbaijan joined the USSR. 1930, The first organized night baseball game was played in Independence, Kansas. 1932, The yellow fever vaccine for humans was announced. 1937, The first animated-cartoon electric sign was displayed on a building on Broadway in New York City. It was created by Douglas Leight. 1945, Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci were executed by Italian partisans as they attempted to flee the country. 1946, The Allies indicted Tojo with 55 counts of war crimes. 1947, Norwegian anthropologist Thor Heyerdahl and five others set out in a balsa wood craft known as Kon Tiki to prove that Peruvian Indians could have settled in Polynesia. The trip began in Peru and took 101 days to complete the crossing of the Pacific Ocean. 1952, The U.S. occupation of Japan officially ended when a treaty with the U.S. and 47 other countries went into effect. 1953, French troops evacuated northern Laos. 1962, In the Sahara Desert of Algeria, a team led by Red Adair used explosives to put out the well fire known as the Devil's Cigarette Lighter. The fire was caused by a pipe rupture on November 6, 1961. 1965, The U.S. Army and Marines invaded the Dominican Republic to evacuate Americans. 1967, Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was stripped of boxing title. He cited religious grounds for chickening. 1969, Charles de Gaulle resigned as president of France. 1969, In Santa Rosa, CA, Charles M. Schulz's Redwood Empire Ice Arena opened. 1985, The largest sand castle in the world was completed near St. Petersburg, FL. It was four stories tall. 1988, In Maui, HI, one flight attendant was killed when the fuselage of a Boeing 737 ripped open in mid-flight. 1989, Mobil announced that they were divesting from South Africa because congressional restrictions were too costly. 1994, Former CIA official Aldrich Ames, who had given U.S. secrets to the Soviet Union and then Russia, pled guilty to espionage and tax evasion. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole. 1996, U.S. President Clinton gave a 4 1/2 hour videotaped testimony as a defense witness in the criminal trial of his former Whitewater business partners. 1997, A worldwide treaty to ban chemical weapons took effect. Russia and other countries such as Iraq and North Korea did not sign. 1999, The U.S. House of Representatives rejected (on a tie vote of 213-213) a measure expressing support for NATO's five-week-old air campaign in Yugoslavia. The House also voted to limit the president's authority to use ground forces in Yugoslavia. 2001, A Russian rocket launched from Central Asia with the first space tourist aboard. The crew consisted of California businessman Dennis Tito and two cosmonauts. The destination was the international space station. 2008, India set a world record when it sent 10 satellites into orbit from a single launch. 2022 Do smiled. |
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