Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 26 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Florida man jailed after he reports his illegal gun as stolen Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 26 in 1521 Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms because of his religious beliefs and writings. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born. --- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004) Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. --- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago," he said. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we ll have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An elderly gentleman in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by James Denson, 61, Lake City, Florida Florida man jailed after he reports his illegal gun as stolen A Lake City man was jailed after he reported that his son had stolen his rifle. The problem? The man, James Denson, is a convicted felon who is not allowed to own a rifle, the Lake City Police said in a press release. The police said that Denson, 61, told them that his son had stolen a .22-caliber rifle from his bedroom. When the son was questioned, he told police that his father was lying and was trying to have him falsely arrested. When Denson was told that he was a convicted felon who was not allowed to own a firearm, he changed his story and said he didn't actually possess the gun, police said. Denson also said that he took possession of the rifle when he discovered kids playing with it. He took the rille from them for their own safety, he told police. Denson is charged with possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. Tech Support Pits From: Elva Re: Cookies Dear Webby Why are alot of sites insisting that I allow cookies? I am being blocked from sites, even though I paid for access, and others, that are supposedly free, and all I get is rude error messages. I don't want my private information spread by cookies. Is there a way around that? Elva Dear Elva Cookies don't carry private information. They may have, twenty years ago, but nowadays, cookies are a safe way to manage the Internet. For example, if you buy access to a library site, it plants a cookie with your membership number and possibly your chosen member name, and maybe even with the membership number of the person who referred you to the library. When you go to the library, it checks your library cookie, and when it is there, it allows you access to the library and gives a brownie point to the person who referred you. That's all. It's just like a library card. And just like without your library card, you won't get access without your cookie. You would have to dig out your user name and password and log in just like on your first visit. Other cookies, like the ones planted by your bank or telephone company, provide extra security and streamline your access. Instead of having to go through a dozen menus each time you go in there to manage your account or pay bills, the cookie gets you straight to the account that you worked on last. The cookie does not carry your password or any info about what is in your accounts, just the routing information that you need AFTER you have put in your password. Cookies are also used to track referrers. Businesses spend big money to get customers. Let's say, for example, you click on the Breastcancer link, and from there go to the garden cherubs with solar lights. A cookie will tell the garden cherub site that the breast cancer site referred you. For every 1000 referrals they pay the breastcancer site 65 cents or whatever amount they agreed on. Eventually that amounts to the cost of a mammogram. HOWEVER, if you have cookies disabled, then you don't count, and they don't have to pay the breastcancer site. The cookie that the breastcancer site would have planted, would not have had any private information about you. It simply would have told the garden gnome site that "this visitor was referred by the breastcancer site". (By the way, I don't plant cookies and the breastcancer site does not have to pay me. I just carry their ad as a public service.) Most cookies expire and disappear in a while. But while they are carried in your browser, you can read them. You will see that they do not carry any personal information about you. Forget the rumors about cookies spread by some misinformed AOLers twenty years ago, that are still being forwarded. Go ahead and allow cookies. If you use CrapCleaner, take the checkmark off the Cookies. They take very little space and won't slow you down. Have FUN DearWebby A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's having me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him. "Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Thanks to Kati for this story: A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com eck Labels For Clothing Care Be sure to check clothing labels for recommended care of the garment. The manufacturer is liable by law for accurate care guidelines on the label so, if it is ruined, it will be much easier to get it replaced if you have followed the care recommendations. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Lilly for this story: During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seventeen taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage." ___________________________________________________ Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me." ------------------------ Sounds like Hopkins is one of the Global Warming "scientists". ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ When the spread of the seals and the fishing by foreign fleets made fishing less and less profitable in Newfoundland, Angus and Farley approached the Governemnt with a bid to dig a tunnel to the mainland. They asked for $100,000 each. "Considering equipment and labor costs", the Transport Dept asked them, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?" "It's simple," the Angus replied. "My partner grabs a shovel, goes to the mainland and starts digging. I take another shovel and start digging from here. We dig until we meet -- and you've got a tunnel!" "But what if you never meet?" "Then you've got TWO tunnels for the price of one!" ____________________________________________________ | Today, May 26 in 0017 Germanicus of Rome celebrated his victory over the Germans. 1328 William of Ockham was forced to flee from Avignon by Pope John XXII. 1521 Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms because of his religious beliefs and writings. 1647 A new law banned Catholic priests from the colony of Massachusetts. The penalty was banishment or death for a second offense. 1660 King Charles II of England landed at Dover after being exiled for nine years. 1670 A treaty was signed in secret in Dover, England, between Charles II and Louis XIV ending the hostilities between them. 1691 Jacob Leiser, leader of the popular uprising in support of William and Mary's accession to the English throne, was executed for treason. 1736 The British and Chickasaw Indians defeated the French at the Battle of Ackia. 1791 The French Assembly forced King Louis XVI to hand over the crown and state assets. 1805 Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned King of Italy in Milan Cathedral. 1831 Russians defeated the Poles at battle of Ostrolenska. 1835 A resolution was passed in the U.S. Congress stating that Congress has no authority over state slavery laws. 1836 The U.S. House of Representatives adopted what has been called the Gag Rule. 1864 The Territory of Montana was organized. 1865 Arrangements were made in New Orleans for the surrender of Confederate forces west of the Mississippi. 1868 U.S. President Andrew Johnson was acquitted, by one vote, of all charges in his impeachment trial. 1896 The Dow Jones Industrial Average appeared for the first time in the "Wall Street Journal." 1896 The last czar of Russia, Nicholas II, was crowned. 1908 In Persia, the first oil strike was made in the Middle East. 1913 Actors' Equity Association was organized in New York City. 1926 In Morocco, rebel leader Abd el Krim surrendered. 1938 The House Committee on Un-American Activities began its work of searching for subversives in the United States. 1940 The evacuation of Allied troops from Dunkirk, France, began during World War II. 1946 A patent was filed in the United States for an H-bomb. 1946 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill signed a military pact with Russian leader Joseph Stalin. Stalin promised a "close collaboration after the war." 1956 The first trailer bank opened for business in Locust Grove, Long Island, NY. The 46-foot-long trailer took in $100,000 in deposits its first day. 1959 The word "Frisbee" became a registered trademark of Wham-O. 1961 A U.S. Air Force bomber flew across the Atlantic in a record time of just over three hours. 1969 The Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing. 1973 Kathy Schmidt set an American women's javelin record with a throw of 207 feet, 10 inches. 1975 American stuntman Evel Knievel suffered severe spinal injuries in Britain when he crashed while attempting to jump 13 buses in his car. 1977 George H. Willig was arrested after he scaled the South Tower of New York's World Trade Center. It took him 3 1/2 hours. 1978 The first legal casino in the Eastern U.S. opened in Atlantic City, NJ. 1987 Sri Lanka launched Operation Liberation. It was an offensive against the Tamil rebellion in Jaffra. 1988 The Edmonton Oilers won their fourth NHL Stanley Cup in five seasons. They swept the series 4 games to 0 against the Boston Bruins. 1994 U.S. President Clinton renewed trade privileges for China, and announced that his administration would no longer link China's trade status with its human rights record. 1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Ellis Island was mainly in New Jersey, not New York. 1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police officers in high- speed chases are liable for bystander injuries only if their "actions shock the conscience." 1998 The Grand Princess cruise ship made its inaugural cruise. The ship measured 109,000 tons and cost approximately $450 million, making it the largest and most expensive cruise ship ever built by that date. 2018 Do smiled. |
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