Humor: Crap Cleaner and compression

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Good Morning, Do,
Today is Sunday, September 17
Have Fun!
Todays Bonehead Award:
Arkansas Woman Used Government Funds
To Buy Her Dog A Tuxedo, plus $200K
of stuff for herself
Today, Sept 17 in
1394 In France, Charles VI published an ordinance
that expelled all Jews from France.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can!

So much of what we call management consists in
making it difficult for people to work.
--- Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005)
"Work to become, not to acquire."
--- Confucius
It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in
time you made a difference.
--- Socratex
Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous
without ability.
--- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks to Sandie for this handy dictionary:
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Average looking...................Ugly
Beautiful............................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure..............Medicated
Free spirit...........................Junkie
Friendship first..................Former slut
Former model................Defintely former
Generously built.............Pear shaped pinhead
Just for conversation....Will cook breakfast next morning.
Large frame.....................Hugely Fat
New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong
Old-fashioned....................No BJs
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Reformed.......................On probation
Voluptuous.....................Very Fat
Want s Soul mate..............Stalker
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
ever think about?
11. I have a headache = You are not worth the effort
12. It's too early = I don't plan to stay awake much longer
13. I'm just not in the mood = Playing hard to get is more
14. I'm cold = You are not paying enough attention to me
15 I'm going to bed = You better be ready in 3 minutes
16 I'm going to sleep = You can stay on the puter all night
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex
with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.
The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and
said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much
bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size
as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the old swamp near the parkin' lot
by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer
one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on
the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.
Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a
politician, there ain't nothin' left but a mouth and a

Loutraki Lighthouse in Greece
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Reported by the Bausell Sailor
Kristi Lyn Goss, 44,
Arkansas Woman Used Government Funds
To Buy Her Dog A Tuxedo, plus $200K
of stuff for herself
Kristi Lyn Goss may be guilty of fraud, but not of crimes
against fashion.
The 44-year-old Goss was previously employed as an
administrative assistant to a judge in Garland County,
That is, until authorities accused her of fraudulently
charging $200,000 to a Garland County credit card. Goss used
the card to purchase a diamond bracelet, tickets to Arkansas
Razorbacks football games, sequined throw pillows and pet
insurance, according to The Associated Press.
Goss was set to stand trial Tuesday but opted to plead
guilty at a pretrial hearing Monday to six felony counts of
fraudulent use of the county's credit card, according to the
Hot Springs Sentinel Record.
She will be sentenced on Nov. 22.
Arkansas State Police started investigating Goss in July,
after an auditor noticed discrepancies on a Garland County
credit card in May.
An audit found that Goss, an administrative assistant to
Garland County Judge Rick Davis, had used the county credit
card for years for personal purchases and to pay bills.
She was fired by the judge after the audit, according to
Goss is potentially facing between three and 20 years for
each count.
Tech Support Pits
From: Darlene
Re: CrapCleaner
Dear Webby,
I downloaded Crap Cleaner from your sidebar and love it.
I have a question though...
Before when I did a Disk Cleanup (or whatever it was called)
there would be a part where it compressed old files.
Do I still need to run the Disk Cleanup to do this or does
the Crap Cleaner automatically do this too?
Dear Darlene
CrapCleaner just cleans.
It does not compress any files. Personally, I don't compress
files unless it's an emergency and I am out of disk space.
If you compress old files all the time, you have no
emergency reserve. It's better to archive old and unused
stuff off onto a CD now and then.
Have FUN!
One day, Doug was playing ball in the house, which was
strictly against the rules, and he accidentally broke a vase
in the living room. "Oh, no, my mom's gonna kill me!", he
thought desperately.
He frantically tried to fix it, any way he could. But tape,
glue, even Superglue wouldn't hold all the shards together.
He finally left the pieces in a pile on the table, and went
to hide in his room.
Soon, his mother came home, and he heard her calling him.
"Doug, do you know who broke my vase? It's in here all in
Doug tried to drum up his courage, but at the last minute,
he found himself answering, "No, Mom, I don't know."
He cringed, waiting for her answer. "That's funny," she
said, appearing at his door. "I wanted to thank whoever it
was. I've never liked that ugly thing, and if it had not
been a gift from your daddy's mom, I would have broken it
myself years ago!"
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from
Congratulations Casserole
By melissa [293 Posts, 429 Comments
Why the silly name? I put this together with leftovers and
pantry items for dinner. My 6 year old who loves cooking and
recipes asked me if I followed a new recipe or I made this
one up. When I told her it was my own, she quickly
responded;"Congratulations, it's very good!" I just thought
that was too cute.:)
That being said, it passed the test with 4 kids. Not a
single complaint, I have to admit it is really good, comfort
food. The best part about it, I used leftover ground beef
and potatoes that would have been tossed otherwise.
I find it very helpful personally to keep some basic pantry
staples on hand for those times when you want to whip up
something quick.
Total Time: About 10 minutes
Yield: Around 8-10
3 1/3 cup ground beef
1 envelope taco or burrito seasoning
3 15 oz. cans drained mixed vegetables
3 10.5 oz cans cream of mushroom soup
3 1/2 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
4 1/4 cup mashed potatoes
dash of basil
My ground beef was originally prepared with an envelope of
taco seasoning added. I would suggest adding this to yours
as it gives it great flavor!
I imagine this would also turn out quite tasty with leftover
chicken if that is what you happen to have. Just use up
those leftovers, it's like getting a free meal! :)
*You could easily half this recipe for a smaller casserole*
In a large mixing bowl, combine ground beef, taco or burrito
seasoning, mixed vegetables and mushroom soups.
Spread into a 13 by 9 inch casserole dish.
Sprinkle with cheese.
Spread potatoes over all, sprinkle with dried basil. It
tastes good and makes it look nicer.
Bake in a 350 degree F oven for 35 minutes.
Remove from oven and enjoy!
Tip provided by

Redneck windshield washer
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware
of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should
start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning,
I created the Heavens and the Earth . . ."
The brave women librarians who rode miles on horseback to deliver books to the back country people in Kentucky during the 1930s and 1940s.
My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of in-
terest in household chores.
One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet
that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."
The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a
slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."
Ophelia Dingbatter's
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes
and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you
subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and
carousing?' said the do-gooder.
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous one.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.
Today, Sept 17, in
1394 In France, Charles VI published an ordinance that
expelled all Jews from France.
1778 The United States signed its first treaty with a Native
American tribe, the Delaware Nation.
1787 The Constitution of the United States of America was
signed by delegates at the Constitutional Convention.
1796 U.S. President George Washington's Farewell Address was
read before the U.S. Congress.
1862 The Battle of Antietam took place during the American
Civil War. More than 23,000 men were killed, wounded, or
missing. The Rebel advance was ended with heavy losses to
both armies.
1872 Phillip W. Pratt patented a version of the sprinkler
1911 The first transcontinental airplane flight started. It
took C.P. Rogers 82 hours to fly from New York City to
Pasadena, CA.
1930 Construction on Boulder Dam, later renamed Hoover Dam,
began in Black Canyon, near Las Vegas, NV.
1932 Sir Malcolm Campbell set a speed record when he reached
276.27 mph over a half mile.
1937 At Mount Rushmore, Abraham Lincoln's face was
1939 The Soviet Union invaded Poland. Germany had invaded
Poland on September 1.
1944 Operation "Market Garden" was launched by Allied
paratroopers during World War II. The landing point was
behind German lines in the Netherlands.
1953 The Ochsner Foundation Hospital in New Orleans, LA,
successfully separated Siamese twins. Carolyn Anne and
Catherine Anne Mouton were connected at the waist when born.
1961 The Minnesota Vikings were debuted as the new National
Football League (NFL) team.
1962 U.S. space officials announced the selection of Neil A.
Armstrong and eight others as new astronauts.
1965 "Hogan's Heroes" debuted on CBS-TV.
1966 "Mission Impossible" premiered on CBS-TV.
1972 "M*A*S*H" premiered on CBS-TV.
1976 NASA unveiled the space shuttle Enterprise in Palmdale,
1983 Vanessa Williams, as Miss New York, became the first
black woman to be crowned Miss America.
1984 9,706 immigrants became naturalized citizens when they
were sworn in by U.S. Vice-President George Bush in Miami,
FL. It was the largest group to become U.S. citizens.
1984 Gordon P. Getty was named the richest person in the
U.S. His fortune was $4.1 billion.
1984 Reggie Jackson hit his 500th career home run. It was
exactly 17 years from the day he hit his first major league
home run.
1988 Lt. Gen. Prosper Avril declared himself president of
Haiti after President Henri Hamphy was ousted.
1991 The United Nations General Assembly opened its 46th
session. The new members were Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania,
North and South Korea, Micronesia and the Marshall Islands.
1992 Lawrence Walsh called a halt to his probe of the Iran-
Contra scandal. The investigation had lasted 5 1/2 years.
1995 Hong Kong held its last legislative election before
being taken over by China in 1997.
1997 Northern Ireland's main Protestant party joined in
peace talks. It was the first time that all of the major
players had come together.
1998 The United States government offered a reward for the
capture of Haroun Fazil for his role in the U.S. bombing in
Kenya on August 7, 1998.
1998 The U.S. announced a plan that would compensate victims
in the Kenya and Tanzania U.S. Embassy bombings on August 7,
2014 The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed at an all time
high of 17,156.
2017 Do smiled.
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, that's all for today.
Have FUN !
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