Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, April 22 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Tennessee woman who ran out of gas on bridge had 229 pounds of marijuana in SUV abandoned on bridge __________________________________________________ On April 22 in 1889, At noon, the Oklahoma land rush officially started as thousands of Americans raced for new, unclaimed land. The "Sooners" were already there. __________________________________________________ If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue. --- Sears, Roebuck, and Co. Consumer's Guide, 1897 Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. --- Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895) Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate. --- Mark B. Cohen ____________________________________________________ A young female gymnast went to confession one morning right after practice. She was so happy after receiving absolution that she came out of the confessional, took a running start down the aisle, then did a series of back flips. Mrs. O'Malley, who was waiting in the confession line, turned to her friend and said, "Glory be, would you look what Father Shannon is giving for penance today! And of all days for me not to be wearing me bloomers!" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Imelda reported for her University PHD final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers, and half of them are wrong !" ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I". Little Johnny: I is... Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am." Little Johnny: All right, have it your way. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Roland for this one: "My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?" ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Catherine Mardesich, 54, in Jail East in Shelby County, Tennessee. Tennessee woman who ran out of gas on bridge had 229 pounds of marijuana in SUV abandoned on bridge Catherine Mardesich, 54, is charged with felony possession after Memphis, Tennessee, police say she ran out of gas and officers inspecting her abandoned SUV found 229 pounds of marijuana in boxes left inside. A Tennessee woman abandoned her vehicle after running out of gas on a Memphis bridge was arrested and charged for felony possession after law enforcement inspected her abandoned SUV. The Memphis Police Department on Monday announced the arrest of 54-year-old bonehead Catherine Mardesich, who is charged with felony possession of a controlled substance, marijuana. Crump Station officers were dispatched at approximately 3:30 p.m. Sunday to meet Arkansas State Police near Memphis Metal Museum, near the bridge connecting Memphis, Tennessee, to the Arkansas side across the Mississippi River. The Tennessee Department of Transportation and Arkansas State Police had responded to the I55 bridge southbound to reports about an unoccupied Chevrolet Suburban abandoned in a lane of traffic. The agencies moved the vehicle to 374 Metal Museum Drive to complete the crash report and tow the car. Thats when Mardesich, who was the driver, returned to the vehicle and explained she had run out of gas. Law enforcement informed her that the vehicle was to be inventoried and towed, but Mardesich advised that officers could not go inside the car, according to Memphis police. As officers approached the vehicle, they smelled raw marijuana and Mardesich was detained. When the vehicle was searched, 229 pounds of marijuana were in multiple boxes and a duffel bag, police said. A large sum of money was also found inside the vehicle. Because the vehicle was in Memphis at the time of the discovery, Mardesich was transported to Jail East in Shelby County, Tennessee. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Alice Re: Dialectizer Dear DearWebby You have mentioned the Dialectizer before, but always when I was in a hurry an had no time to try it. PLEASE give us the URL again! Alice Dear Alice It is at "http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/">Dialectizer Currently Elmer Fudd is my personal favorite. You can translate entire web pages on the left, even tax forms, or paste you list of cusswords on the right. Tell me which dialect is your favorite! Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ While walking in the park one morning, Bill found a couple of brand new golf balls by a bench. They obviously must have fallen out of a pocket or bag when somebody rested there the day before. "Waste not, Want not" he thought as he slipped the balls into the pocket of his shorts, intending to give them to a co-worker who was a golf nut. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked,... with her eyes gleaming lustfully. "Golf balls," he replied. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once!" ______________________________________________ Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong, would go outside and take a walk. By the time Jenny died thirtyfive years ago, my walks had become a habit and it was no big deal to keep them up." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Anni's car was unreliable and she called Sam for a ride every time it broke down. One day Sam got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked. "My brakes went out," Anni said. "Can you come to get me?" "Where are you?" Sam asked. "I'm in the drugstore," Anni responded. "And where's the car?" Sam asked. Anni replied, "It's in here with me." ___________________________________________________ | Today, April 22, in 1500, Portuguese navigator Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil. 1509, Henry VIII ascended to the throne of England upon the death of his father Henry VII. 1529, Spain and Portugal divided the eastern hemisphere in the Treaty of Saragosa. 1745, The Peace of Fussen was signed, restoring the status quo of Germany. 1792, U.S. President George Washington proclaimed American neutrality in the war in Europe. 1861, Robert E. Lee was named commander of Virginia forces. 1864, The U.S. Congress passed legislation that allowed the inscription "In God We Trust" to be included on one-cent and two-cent coins. 1889, At noon, the Oklahoma land rush officially started as thousands of Americans raced for new, unclaimed land. The "Sooners" were already there. 1898, The first shot of the Spanish-American war occurred when the USS Nashville captured a Spanish merchant ship. 1915, At the Second Battle Ypres the Germans became the first country to use poison gas (Chlorine). 1918, British naval forces attempted to sink block-ships in the German U-boat bases at the Battle of Zeeburgge. 1930, The U.S., Britain and Japan signed the London Naval Treaty, which regulated submarine warfare and limited shipbuilding. Everybody ignored the treaty. 1931, Egypt signed the treaty of friendship with Iraq. 1931, James G. Ray landed an autogyro on the lawn of the White House. 1944, During World War II, the Allies launched a major attack against the Japanese in Hollandia, New Guinea. 1952, An atomic test conducted in Nevada was the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television. 1970, The first "Earth Day" was observed by millions of Americans. 1993, The U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum was dedicated in Washington, DC. 1997, In Lima, Peru government commandos storm and capture the residence of the Japanese ambassador ending a 126-day hostage crisis. In the rescue 71 hostages were saved. Those killed: one hostage (of a heart attack), two soldiers, and all 14 rebels. 2000, Elian Gonzalez was reunited with his father in Cuba. He had to be taken from his Miami relatives by U.S. agents in a predawn raid. 2002, Filippino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo ordered a state of emergency in the city of General Santos in response to a series of bombing attacks the day before. The attacks were blamed on Muslim extremists. 2010, The Boeing X-37 began its first orbital mission. It successfully returned to Earth on December 3, 2010. 2022 Do smiled. |
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