Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, June 26 _____________________________________________________ Today, June 26 in 1959 U.S. President Eisenhower joined Britain's Queen Elizabeth II in ceremonies officially opening the St. Lawrence Seaway. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Woman Charged With Torturing Incapacitated Man ! ! ! ! _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right. --- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. --- Henry Ford One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. --- A. A. Milne _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?" ______________________________________________________` _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jennifer Johnson, 36, Cottondale, Alabama Woman Charged With Torturing Incapacitated Man An Alabama woman has been charged with the sexual torture of a 25-year-old man who was under the influence of GHB and bound with duct tape when he was assaulted, according to court filing. In a charge sheet filed this week, Jennifer Johnson, 36, was accused of violating the incapacitated man with a sex toy at a residence in Cottondale, a Tuscaloosa suburb. Police learned of the March 19 attack when they discovered incriminating videos on Johnson's phone following her arrest last month for possession of a stolen Honda Civic. At the time of her May 10 bust, Johnson stated she was a prostitute, according to a court filing. The multiple videos found on Johnson's phone, investigators say, showed her penetrating the victim's anus with a dildo. The man was under the influence of the date-rape drug GHB and physically helpless, investigators allege. The victim was also bound with duct tape around his mouth, wrists, and ankles, according to a deposition and charge sheet that notes that Johnson jokes and laughs throughout the videos. Court filings do not indicate what, if any, relationship Johnson (seen above) has with the victim, who remained unconscious during the entirety of the recorded assault. Since her arrest last month, Johnson has been held in the Tuscaloosa County jail on $20,000 bond. Her bond was upped this week to $80,000 in light of the new felony sexual torture charge. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Sandie Re: Record sound Dear Webby: How can I convert sound from the radio to digital? Thanks Sandie Dear Sandie Try Audacity. It has been around for a few decades and is stable. You can use it on Linux, Windows, Mac OS X, and UNIX. You can download it from https://www.audacityteam .org Any sound input works fine on audacity, microphone, Line-In from record player or tape deck, even computer generated text-to- speech readers or audio-books. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Scho Schorry, I don't live around here." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years." Math is not her strong point. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Stop Charging and Start Using Cash Retire your credit cards, set up a budget and start paying with cash. Many people think "I'll pay it off later" or "I'm already in debt". They keep using credit cards for everyday expenses so they don't feel broke and don't have to change their spending patterns. thriftyfun.Com ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built and scantily-clad young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers. "Is it working?" her daughter asks. "Yes and no," the mother says. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20." ___________________________________________________ How To Give Your Cat A Pill: 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any dogs. How To Give Your Dog A Pill 1. Briefly touch pill to bacon. 2. Toss pill in the air. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower." My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts." ___________________________________________________ | Today, June 26 in 1096 Peter the Hermit's crusaders forced their way across Sava, Hungary. 1243 The Seljuk Turkish army in Asia Minor was wiped out by the Mongols. 1483 Richard III usurped himself to the English throne. 1794 The French defeated an Austrian army at the Battle of Fleurus. 1804 The Lewis and Clark Expedition reached the mouth of the Kansas River after completing a westward trek of nearly 400 river miles. 1819 The bicycle was patented by W.K. Clarkson, Jr. 1894 The American Railway Union called a general strike in sympathy with Pullman workers. 1900 The United States announced that it would send troops to fight against the Boxer rebellion in China. 1900 A commission that included Dr. Walter Reed began the fight against the deadly disease yellow fever. 1907 Russia's nobility demanded drastic measures to be taken against revolutionaries. 1908 Shah Muhammad Ali's forces squelched the reform elements of Parliament in Persia. 1917 General John "Black Jack" Pershing arrived in France with the American Expeditionary Force. 1925 Charlie Chaplin's comedy "The Gold Rush" premiered in Hollywood. 1926 A memorial to the first U.S. troops in France was unveiled at St. Nazaire. 1924 After eight years of occupation, American troops left the Dominican Republic. 1927 The Coney Island Cyclone roller coaster opened in New York. 1936 The Focke-Wulf Fw 61 made its first flight. It is considered the first practical helicopter. 1942 The Grumman F6F Hellcat fighter was flown for the first time. 1945 The U.N. Charter was signed by 50 nations in San Francisco, CA. 1948 The Berlin Airlift began as the U.S., Britain and France started ferrying supplies to the isolated western sector of Berlin. 1951 The Soviet Union proposed a cease-fire in the Korean War. 1959 U.S. President Eisenhower joined Britain's Queen Elizabeth II in ceremonies officially opening the St. Lawrence Seaway. 1961 A Kuwaiti vote opposed Iraq's annexation plans. 1963 U.S. President John Kennedy announced "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner) at the Berlin Wall. 1971 The U.S. Justice Department issued a warrant for Daniel Ellsberg, accusing him of giving away the Pentagon Papers. 1974 In Troy, Ohio, a Marsh supermarket installed the first bar code scanning equipment, made by IBM, and a product with a bar code was scanned for the first time. The product was Juicy Fruit gum. 1975 Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi declared a state of emergency due to "deep and widespread conspiracy." 1976 In Toronto, Canada, the CN Tower opened to the public. The official opening date is listed as October 1, 1976. It was the world's tallest free-standing stucture and the world's tallest tower until 2010. 1979 Muhammad Ali, at 37 years old, announced that he was retiring as world heavyweight boxing champion. 1996 The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the Virginia Military Institute to admit women or forgo state support. 1997 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Communications Decency Act of 1996 that made it illegal to distribute indecent material on the Internet. 1997 J.K. Rowlings book "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" was published in the U.K. The book was later released in the U.S. under the name "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." This was the first book in the Harry Potter series. 1997 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld state laws that allow for a ban on doctor-assisted suicides. 1998 The U.S. and Peru open school to train commandos to patrol Peru's rivers for drug traffickers. 1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that employers are always potentially liable for supervisor's sexual misconduct toward an employee. 2000 The Human Genome Project and Celera Genomics Corp. jointly announced that they had created a working draft of the human genome. 2000 Indonesia's President Abdurrahman Wahid declared a state of emergency in the Moluccas due to the escalation of fighting between Christians and Muslims. 2001 Ray Bourque (Colorado Avalanche) announced his retirement just 17 days after winning his first Stanley Cup. Bouque retired after 22 years and held the NHL record for highest-scoring defenseman and playing in 19 consecutive All-Star games. 2002 WorldCom Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. 2019 Do smiled. |
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