Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, December 19 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: "Criminal Santa" gets stuck in chimney during burglary attempt. Has to call 911. Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, December 19 in 1972 Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. --- Walter Lippmann ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. A bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him. Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth. At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Do you mind, ma'am? I'm trying to arrest this man for groping a woman!" ______________________________________________________ Borzicactus-roseiflorus ____________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." _____________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesse Berube, 32, Citrus Heights, California "Criminal Santa" gets stuck in chimney during burglary attempt. Has to call 911. Authorities say a Northern California man tried to burglarize a business by entering through the chimney only to become stuck. Police in the Sacramento-area city of Citrus Heights said Friday that 32-year-old Jesse Berube was uninjured but now faces one count of burglary. According to police, Berube slid down the chimney of the business Wednesday and then found himself lodged inside. The Rocklin man was able to reach his cellphone and dial 911 for help. The Sacramento Fire Department responded and used special equipment to extricate him. Police called Berube a "criminal Santa" who "does not have the same skills as the real deal." _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Jerry Re: Supersensitive mouse Dear Webby, I replaced my original mouse that came with my Gateway a thousand years ago. The new one is a Logitech Optical Mouse and if I even look at it crossways, I get popup menus all over the place. Needless to say, this is extremely annoying. Do I have to live with it or do you have another miracle solution? Jerry Dear Jerry Run the install CD that came with that mouse, or download the driver from Logitech. That will give you a desktop icon to it's settings menu. There you can tweak all the settings to suit you. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro- minent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?" "Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
I gaze at the brilliant moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Socks for the Family Instead of using those plastic over-the-door shoe organizers for shoes, I use mine to organize our socks! After taking the socks out of the dryer, I just roll them up and place a pair in each pocket of the shoe organizer (I do this with pantyhose and knee-highs too). No scrambling to match socks on a busy morning! By Lisa Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com font> ____________________________________________________ On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped." ------------- If you are in Kentucky, reverse Kentucky and Tennessee. | | It's Christmas where you are. Merry Christmas to our troops. |
Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that. "Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now." ___________________________________________________ December Dec. 01. Apple Day Dec. 01. Day Without) Art Dec. 01. Pie Day Dec. 01. World AIDS Day Dec. 01. National Day in Central African Republic Dec. 01. Independence Day in Portugal Dec. 01. National Day in Romania Dec. 02. Abolition of Slavery Day Dec. 02. National Day in Laos Dec. 02. National Holiday in United Arab Emirates Dec. 03. Disabled Persons Awareness Day Dec. 04. Cookie Day Dec. 04. Santa's List Day Dec. 05. Play Hooky Day Dec. 05. Bathtub Fun Day Dec. 05. Discovery Day in Haiti Dec. 05. National Day in Thailand Dec. 06. Pawnbrokers Day Dec. 06. Saint Nicholas Day Dec. 06. Independence of Quito Day in Ecuador Dec. 06. Independence Day in Finland Dec. 06. Constitution Day in Spain Dec. 07. Civil Aviation Day Dec. 07. Cotton Candy Day Dec. 07. Letter-Writing Day Dec. 07. Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day Dec. 07. Teacher Appreciation Day Dec. 08. Brownie Day Dec. 08. Lady of Camarin Day in Guam Dec. 08. Feast of the Immaculate Conception in Nicaragua Dec. 08. Constitution Day in Uzbekistan Dec. 09. Homemade Gift Day Dec. 09. Independence Day in Tanzania Dec. 10. Thai Constitution Day in Thailand Dec. 11. National Day in Burkina Faso Dec. 12. Poinsettia Day Dec. 12. Independence Day in Kenya Dec. 12. Guadalupe Day in Mexico Dec. 12. Constitution Day in Russia Dec. 12. Neutrality Day in Turkmenistan Dec. 13. Cocoa Day Dec. 13. Shareware Day Dec. 13. Republic Day in Malta Dec. 13. Santa Lucia Day in Sweden Dec. 14. Email Tag Day Dec. 15. Bill of Rights Day Dec. 15. Kingdom Day in Curacao Dec. 15. Navidades in Puerto Rico Dec. 16. Stupid Toy Day Dec. 16. Independence Day in Bahrain Dec. 16. Victory Day in Bangladesh Dec. 16. Posadas in Mexico Dec. 16. Christmas Observance in Philippines Dec. 16. Reconciliation Day in South Africa Dec. 17. Wright Brothers Day Dec. 18. Bake Cookies Day Dec. 18. Wear A Plunger On Your Head Day Dec. 18. Republic Day in Niger Dec. 19. Oatmeal Muffin Day Dec. 19. Underdog Day Dec. 20. Go Caroling Day Dec. 21. Don't Be A Scrooge Day Dec. 21. Flashlight Day Dec. 21. Forefathers' Day Dec. 21. Winter Solstice Dec. 21. World Peace Day Dec. 21. Yalda Dec. 22. Yule Dec. 23. Emperor's Birthday in Japan Dec. 24. Christmas Eve Dec. 24. Last-Minute Shopper's Day Dec. 24. Independence Day in Libya Dec. 25. Christmas Dec. 25. Pumpkin Pie Day Dec. 25. Birthday of Quaid-I-Azam in Pakistan Dec. 25. Constitution Day in Taiwan Dec. 26. Boxing Day Dec. 26. Kwanzaa Begins Dec. 26. Whiner's Day Dec. 26. Junkanoo in Bahamas Dec. 26. Boxing Day in Canada Dec. 26. Day of the Wren in Ireland Dec. 26. Independence Day in Slovenia Dec. 26. Goodwill Day in South Africa Dec. 26. Boxing Day in United Kingdom Dec. 28. Card Playing Day Dec. 28. Chocolate Day Dec. 28. Holy Innocents Day (Childermas) Dec. 28. Proclamation Day in Australia Dec. 30. Rizal in Philippines Dec. 31. Make Up Your Mind Day Dec. 31. New Year's Eve Dec. 31. New Year's Resolutions Dec. 31. Samoan Fire Dance in Western Samoa ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, December 19, in 1154 Henry II became King of England. 1562 The Battle of Dreux was fought between the Huguenots and the Catholics, beginning the French Wars of Religion. 1732 Benjamin Franklin began publishing "Poor Richard's Almanac." 1776 Thomas Paine published his first "American Crisis" essay. 1777 General George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA, to camp for the winter. 1842 Hawaii's independence was recognized by the U.S. 1843 Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" was first published in England. 1871 Corrugated paper was patented by Albert L. Jones. 1887 Jake Kilrain and Jim Smith fought in a bare knuckles fight which lasted 106 rounds and 2 hours and 30 minutes. The fight was ruled a draw and was halted due to darkness. 1903 The Williamsburg Bridge opened in New York City. It opened as the largest suspension bridge on Earth and remained the largest until 1924. It was also the first major suspension bridge to use steel towers to support the main cable. 1907 A coalmine explosion in Jacobs Creek, PA, killed 239 workers. 1917 The first games of the new National Hockey League (NHL) were played. Five teams made up the league: Toronto Arenas, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, the Montreal Canadiens and the Montreal Wanderers. 1918 Robert Ripley began his "Believe It or Not" column in "The New York Globe". 1932 The British Broadcasting Corp. began transmitting overseas with its "Empire Service" to Australia. 1957 Meredith Wilson's "The Music Man" opened at the Majestic Theatre in New York City. It ran for 1,375 shows. 1957 Air service between London and Moscow was inaugurated. 1959 Walter Williams died in Houston, TX, at the age of 117. He was said to be the last surviving veteran of the U.S. Civil War. 1961 "Judgment At Nuremberg" opened in New York City. 1972 Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1973 Johnny Carson started a fake toilet-paper scare on the "Tonight Show." 1979 ESPN televised its first NHL game. The teams were the Washington Capitals and the Hartford Whalers. 1984 Wayne Gretzky, 23, of the Edmonton Oilers, became only the 18th player in the National Hockey League (NHL) to score more than 1,000 points. 1984 Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1986 The Soviet Union announced it had freed dissident Andrei Sakharov from internal exile, and pardoned his wife, Yelena Bonner. 1989 U.S. troops invaded Panama to overthrow the regime of General Noriega. 1996 The school board of Oakland, CA, voted to recognize Black English, also known as "ebonics." The board later reversed its stance. 1997 "Titanic" opened in American movie theaters. 1998 U.S. President Bill Clinton was impeached on two charges of perjury and obstruction of justice by the U.S. House of Representatives. 1998 A four-day bombing of Iraq by British and American forces ended. 2000 The U.N. Security Council voted to impose sanctions on Afghanistan's Taliban rulers unless they closed all terrorist training camps and surrender U.S. embassy bombing suspect Osama bin Laden. 2008 U.S. President George W. Bush signed a $17.4 billion rescue package of loans for ailing auto makers General Motors and Chrysler. 2017 Do smiled. |
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