Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, May 6 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Mom Leaves near dead Home Intruder Slumped in Chair for Cops to wheel away After mom Defending Peacefully Sleeping Kids and being a better shot. __________________________________________________ On May 5 in 1994, The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the English Channel links England and France. _____________________________________________________ Lack of money is the root of all evil. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) I sure noticed that too! ____________________________________________________ A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first- grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . lemon . .. lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!" ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." ____________________________________________________ Eye discipline like he was a deer poacher! ___________________________________________________ A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked. "No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for 'Unleaded Fuel Only.' " ____________________________________________________ YOU'RE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN....... 1. You find yourself listening to talk radio. 2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. 3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. 4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. 5. You actually ASK for your father's advice. 6. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. 7. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board. 8. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. 9. You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day. 10. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's new running shoes. 11. When jogging is something you do to your memory. 12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Roman Rodriguez, 41, gone to hell now, formerly of San Antonio, Texas, USA Mom Leaves near dead Home Intruder Slumped in Chair for Cops to wheel away After Defending Peacefully Sleeping Kids Democrats hate the idea of legally armed Americans. They think guns should be reserved for criminals only. While the lamestream media is quick to report on stories of gun violence committed against criminals, they underplay how often guns are used for personal protection. She got a gun and fired 2 shots, into the crook's chest. She did not miss any. Because the crook was leaking onto her nice, clean laundry room, she drug him outside onto the lawn and a plastic lawn chair, and then called 911 that she had a crook for horizontal storage. Apparently, his injuries were too serious for him to escape the scene. No one else was hurt during the incident. Police reported Roman Rodriguez, 41, died while en route to the hospital. As reported by News 4 San Antonio, even though Rodriguez died, the woman will not face charges, as the castle doctrine applies. Because the man was forcibly and illegally trying to enter her habitation, the use of force was authorized. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Mary Re: Facebook hacked again? Dear Webby I got a message from an unknown that was " Look who just died, I think you know him? " Souns phishy! My friends got it too. Who died, or needs deading? Mary Dear Mary You are 100 % right. Some Russian FB hacker needs deading. He hacked Facebook and got the addresses of people, who have lots of friends. DON'T click on it! Just dump it. Don't answer it. Just dump it. Change your Facebook password RFN. Yeah, I know you speak Industrial Engrish and know what RFN means. For those of you, who don't know Industrial Engrish, it means "Right F(riendly) NOW!!!" Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!" "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig." ______________________________________________ A mother was trying to get her son to eat spinach (which he hated). He absolutely refused to eat it! So, thinking she would substitute another green vegetable that was just as nutritious, she served her son asparagus. When her son looked at his plate, he gasped in fright "Oh, no, spinach legs!" ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
An American diplomat was speaking to a large crowd at a public meeting in Abidjan, Ivory Coast, Africa. Out of respect for the audience, and for the interpreter, he spoke slowly. He also told some jokes, likewise very slowly. After each joke, he was amazed how the translator used only a few words to make the crowd roar with laughter. Afterwards the diplomat asked the interpreter, "How did you manage to tell each joke so rapidly?" "Oh, it's easy," said the interpreter. "I just said, 'He told a joke. Laugh!'" ___________________________________________________ | Today, May 6, in 1527, German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the end of the Renaissance. 1529, Babur defeated the Afghan Chiefs in the Battle of Ghagra, India. 1576, The peace treaty of Chastenoy ended the fifth war of religion. 1682, King Louis XIV moved his court to Versailles, France. 1835, James Gordon Bennett published the "New York Herald" for the first time. 1840, The first adhesive postage stamps went on sale in Great Britain. 1851, The mechanical refrigerator was patented by Dr. John Gorrie. 1851, Linus Yale patented the clock-type lock. 1861, Arkansas became the ninth state to secede from the Union. 1877, Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to U.S. troops in Nebraska. 1882, The U.S. Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act. The act barred Chinese immigrants from the U.S. for 10 years. 1889, The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, France, marking the dedication of the Eiffel Tower. Also at the exposition was the first automobile in Paris, the Mercedes- Benz, the first Neon lights. 1910, Kind Edward VII of England died. He was succeeded by his second son, George V. 1937, The German airship Hindenburg crashed and burned in Lakehurst, NJ. Thirty-six people (of the 97 on board) were killed. 1941, Joseph Stalin assumed the Soviet premiership. 1941, Bob Hope gave his first USO show at California's March Field. 1942, During World War II, the Japanese seized control of the Philippines. About 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor surrendered to the Japanese. 1945, Axis Sally made her final propaganda broadcast to Allied troops. 1946, The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball team to travel by plane. 1954, British runner Roger Banister broke the four minute mile. 1957, U.S. Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his book "Profiles in Courage". 1959, The Pablo Picasso painting of a Dutch girl was sold for $154,000 in London. It was the highest price paid (at the time) for a painting by a living artist. 1960, Britain's Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong Jones. They were divorced in 1978. 1960, U.S. President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960. 1962, The first nuclear warhead was fired from the Polaris submarine. 1981, A jury of international architects and sculptors unanimously selected Maya Ying Lin's entry for the design of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 1994, The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the English Channel links England and France. 1994, Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit against U.S. President Clinton. The case alleged that he had sexually harassed her in 1991. 1997, Army Staff Sgt. Delmar G. Simpson was sentenced to 25 years in prison for raping six trainees at Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland. 1997, Four health-care companies agreed to a settlement of $600 million to hemophiliacs who had contracted AIDS from tainted blood between 1978-1985. 1999, Britain's Labour Party won the largest number of seats in the first elections for Scotland's new Parliament and Wales' new Assembly. 1999, A parole board in New York voted to release Amy Fisher. She had been in jail for 7 years for shooting her lover's wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, in the face. 2001, Chandra Levy's parents reported her missing to police in Washington, DC. Levy's body was found on May 22, 2002 in Rock Creek Park. 2002, "Spider-Man" became the first movie to make more than $100 million in its first weekend. 2022 Do smiled. |
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