Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, Mat 3 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Thank you, Wesley!! _____________________________________________________ My injections were cancelled and postponed to May 8 because of medical problems with the daughter of Barb, my driver. ______________________________________________________ Got another 419 scammer blocked. I get lots of friend requests from ladies, but almost never from men. Tonight I got a Friend Request from a "Geoff Lawrence", pretending to be from Australia. "Blah.blah, blah..Have you heard the good news?" "That they are going to hang the scammers in Australia? What other good noose have you got?" After a few stinging insults, I reported him to FaceBook, and as soon as their filter saw "419", Geoff was sent back to Nigeria and was no longer available. Today, May 3 in 1568 French forces in Florida slaughtered hundreds of Spanish. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Ford-Chevy dispute leaves 3 people shot at Virginia home ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. --- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914) Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. --- Sir Winston Churchill _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7 - His brother is okay!) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) A dolphin breaths through an butthole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because ice cold water shot up her fanny. ______________________________________________________` _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Mark Edwin Turner, 56. Bedford, Virginia Ford-Chevy dispute leaves 3 people shot at Virginia home A dispute that started with the age-old argument about the superiority of Ford versus Chevy trucks ended in gunfire, leaving multiple people shot at a Virginia home, prosecutors say. Bedford County deputies arrested 56-year-old Mark Edwin Turner after receiving a 911 call around 11:30 p.m. on April 23rd. Responding officers found two women and a man lying in the grass in front of 105 Shepherd lane, yelling in pain and stating that that they had been shot by Mark Turner, according to an affidavit. He has been charged with felony malicious wounding, use of a firearm in the commission of a felon and possession of a firearm by a felon. Turner had apparently gathered with his girlfriend, her son and her son's girlfriend for a family dinner. Bedford County Commonwealth Attorney Wes Nance told WSET that alcohol was involved and that there was a dispute between Turner and his girlfriend's son, Logan Bailey, about which truck was better, Ford or Chevy. The argument turned violent when Turner pulled out a knife, Nance said. Bailey's mother tried to intervene and was stabbed once in the back. Turner then went into the house and returned with a handgun, authorities say. It's then alleged that Mr. Turner came back out and approached Mr. Bailey, Nance said. Once again, his mother tried to intervene between the two of them. During that time, she was shot a total of five times all of those injuries occurring to her legs. Turner allegedly shot Bailey once in the arm, Nance said, and two bullets are believed to have ricocheted, striking Bailey's girlfriend in the cheek and back. Nance said the victims' injuries were serious but not life- threatening. Deputies arrested Turner after he barricaded himself inside the home for more than two hours. Turner may face additional charges, Nance said, after responding officers reported finding two cellphones, a pistol, a smoking device, three green plants, and drug paraphernalia. He is being held at the Bedford Adult Detention Center, records show. From: EE Re: Fake Flash Player update Dear Webby Is this scary stuff about fake Flash player updates real, or just scaremongering? Thanks EE Dear EE If some site tells you that you need to update your flash player to see what they got, don't click on anything, just get out of there fast, before you get skunked with trojans and back-doors. If you think your Flash player needs to be updated or upgraded, close all browser windows, open a new one and go straight to http://adobe.com, click on Downloads and select Flash Player. The same advice of course also goes for update nudges for other programs, like Media Player. Always go to the real and legitimate source. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Bri for this one: My boyfriend and I were at my son's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A farmer called my veterinary office and asked me to make a house call. Because the road was closed, he parked his ancient pickup in a field for me to drive the rest of the way. But once behind the wheel, I realized the brakes didn't work. The truck sped toward the stable, across the farmyard, into the barn, and embedded itself in a gigantic haystack. Sweating, I climbed out and apologized. "Don't worry," the farmer said to me. "That's how I stop the silly truck too." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Inexpensive Camping Bowl An empty plastic soda bottle, cut off to a convenient height, will work as a camp bowl. You may want to sandpaper the cut to smooth the edge. Then you can just toss it when you return home. thriftyfun.Com Burn it in your camp fire, don't toss it! The grain fields NEED the CO2. Remember all carbs are CO2 + water + sunshine + a farmer's sweat and money. No more pizza for the anti-CO2 wackos! ____________________________________________________ | | April's Southern Arizona desert wildflowers are beautiful! |
___________________________________________________ A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact chan ge out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." ___________________________________________________ A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied. The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?" "We ate about a third of the box on the way home." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A new skydiver in the Swiss military and his instructor were high in the air when the student was getting ready to jump. Just before he was ready to leap his teacher gave him some final instructions. "Listen carefully! You jump...count to 3...and pull your rip cord! If that doesn't work, pull the cord on your reserve chute! There will be a bicycle down there to ride back!" The new skydiver took a deep breath and plunged into the open air. After free falling he counted to 3 and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled the cord on his reserve chute, and nothing happened. Totally disgusted, the skydiver said: "DARN! I'll bet that bicycle is not down there either!" ___________________________________________________ | Today May 3 in 1568 French forces in Florida slaughtered hundreds of Spanish. 1859 France declared war on Austria. 1888 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Phonograph Works. 1916 Irish nationalist Padraic Pearse and two others were executed by the British for their roles in the Easter Rising. 1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua and stayed until 1933. 1926 In Britain, trade unions began a general strike. 1933 The U.S. Mint was under the direction of a woman for the first time when Nellie Ross took the position. 1937 Margaret Mitchell won a Pulitzer Prize for "Gone With The Wind." 1944 Wartime rationing of most grades of meats ended in the U.S. 1944 Dr. Robert Woodward and Dr. William Doering produced the first synthetic quinine at Harvard University. 1945 Indian forces captured Rangoon, Burma, from the Japanese. 1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks and other minorities were legally unenforceable. 1952 The first airplane landed at the geographic North Pole. 1968 After three days of battle, the U.S. Marines retook Dai Do complex in Vietnam. They found that the North Vietnamese had evacuated the area. 1971 Anti-war protesters began four days of demonstrations in Washington, DC. 1971 National Public Radio broadcast for the first time. 1971 James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King's assassin, was caught in a jailbreak attempt. 1986 In NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned Delta rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after liftoff. Safety officers destroyed it by remote control. 1988 The White House acknowledged that first lady Nancy Reagan had used astrological advice to help schedule her husband's activities. 1992 Five days of rioting and looting ended in Los Angeles, CA. The riots, that killed 53 people, began after the acquittal of police officers in the beating of Rodney King. 1997 The "Republic of Texas" surrendered to authorities ending an armed standoff where two people were held hostage. The group asserts the independence of Texas from the U.S. 1998 "The Sevres Road," by 18-century landscape painter Camille Corot, stolen from the Louvre in France. 1999 Mark Manes, at age 22, was arrested for supplying a gun to Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold, who later killed 13 people at Columbine High School in Colorado. 1999 The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above 11,000 for the first time. 2000 The trial of two Libyans accused of killing 270 people in the bombing of Pan Am flight 103 (over Lockerbie) opened. 2006 In Alexandria, VA, Al-Quaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was given a sentence of life in prison for his role in the terrorist attack on the U.S. on September 11, 2001. 2019 Do smiled. |
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