Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, July 26 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 26, in 1956, Egyptian President Gamal Abdel Nasser nationalized the Suez Canal. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Guns, drugs, money seized in Arizona traffic stop, house search; And a partridge in a pear tree. __________________________________________________ Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 1894) _________________________________________________ Some scammer inisted on being insulted: Miriam Cox I'm doing good I often think of you and always uplifting you in prayer. I was just wondering if you have heard about the good news yet? You sent That a bunch of really ugly crooks are trying to con people into investing in bullshit? Yes, I have heard about them Are you one of those ugly crooks? After that Miriam ran away. Those scammers are soooo touchy! __________________________________________________ Oil Change Instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change. > > > 2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00. ------------------------------------------------------------ Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to auto parts store and pay $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full so instead of taking it back to auto store to recycle, dump in hole in neighbor's flower bed. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Have a Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in Mrs beasly's flower bed, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Make bail. 50) Get car from impound yard. --Money Spent Parts $50.00 Beer $25.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Total $4150.00 But, BY GOD, you know the job was done right! ___________________________________________________ Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and the junior one by 10 years said to the elder on his birthday; "How do you feel now that it's your 95th birthday... I mean... How do you really feel? You're 95 years old today... how do you honestly feel?" "Honestly, you say? You really want to know? I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, can't walk, and I just wet myself." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by 29-year-old Carlos Ramirez-Gutierrez and 28-year-old Laura Yancel Robles Phoenix, Arizona, USA Guns, drugs, money seized in Arizona traffic stop, house search; And a partridge in a pear tree. A trooper stopped 28-year-old Laura Yancel Robles, of Phoenix, for apparent traffic violations while driving a Toyota RAV4 in Wellton on I-8. "During the traffic stop, the trooper observed indicators of crimin al activity. While conducting a search of the vehicle, the trooper located approximately 11.9 pounds of suspected fentanyl pills," DPS says. Robles was booked into the Yuma County Jail on suspicion of conspiracy, participating in an illegal enterprise, transportation of a narcotic drug and possession of a narcotic drug for sale. Detectives then served a search warrant at the home of 29- year-old Carlos Ramirez-Gutierrez and reportedly found: Approximately 2.1 pounds of methamphetamine Approximately 1.18 pounds of fentanyl pills Approximately 2.08 pounds of fentanyl powder Approximately 1.18 pounds of unknown powder 2 high-capacity rifles 6 handguns 2 firearm suppressors Magazines Ammunition 1 BB replica rifle Two vehicles $2,436 in U.S. currency Ramirez-Gutierrez was booked into the Yuma County Jail on suspicion of possession of a narcotic drug for sale, possession of a dangerous drug for sale, transportation of a narcotic drug, money laundering, misconduct with weapons in a drug offense, misconduct with weapons by a prohibited possessor, conspiracy and participating in an illegal enterprise. _____________________________________________________ >From Ross One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week" The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop Next morning when the barber goes to open; there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business and becoming more successful". Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut. _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Carol RE: File Extensions Dear Webby I followed your example and bought a refurb W7 for $300. It is FAST! It is like my storebought W7 was 15 years ago, except it was not polluted with all kinds of freebie trial versions. JUST the operating system and Open Office. I LOVE it! Question I got is how do I make it show file extensions in the file explorer and when saving files? Thanks Carol Dear Carol Windows doesn't show file extensions by default, but you can change a single setting and make Windows 7, 8, or 10 always show you each file's full file name. That is actually quite easy, though a bit convoluted. Right-Click the Start, type exp into the search at the bottom That opens a selection box with WINDOWS EXPLORER on top Select that. Careful NOT to fall into Internet Explorer! In Explorer c lick on ORGANIZE at the left top. In there click on FOLDER & Search Options In there, click VIEW Next Click and Uncheck the Hide extensions for known file types check box. Click OK to finish. That is all. Phew! Just keep the Humor Letter open on the side to follow the instructions. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ A man went to the Underwear Company for his 3rd interview. The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours!" "We package our underwear in 5 packs, 7 packs and 12 packs......why?" The man thinks for a moment and replies, "The 5 packs are for french women, they dont wear underwear on the weekend! The 7 packs are for american women, they change their underwear everyday! And the 12 packs are for men! They only change their underwear once a month!!" ___________________________________________________ Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. _____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need an IDIOT sign; he probably figured it out himself. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
|
_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 26, in 1775 - A postal system was established by the 2nd Continental Congress of the United States. The first Postmaster General was Benjamin Franklin. 1788, New York became the 11th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1881, Thomas Edison and Patrick Kenny execute a patent application for a facsimile telegraph (U.S. Pat. 479,184). 1893, Commercial production of the Addressograph started in Chicago, IL. 1907, The Chester was launched. It was the first turbine- propelled ship. 1908, U.S. Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issued an order that created an investigative agency that was a forerunner of the FBI. 1945, Winston Churchill resigned as Britain's prime minister. 1947, U.S. President Truman signed The National Security Act. The act created the National Security Council, the Department of Defense, the Central Intelligence Agency and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 1948, U.S. President Truman signed executive orders that prohibited discrimination in the U.S. armed forces and federal employment. 1952, King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated in the wake of a coup led by Gamal Abdel Nasser. 1953, Fidel Castro began his revolt against Fulgencio Batista with an unsuccessful attack on an army barracks in eastern Cuba. Castro eventually ousted Batista six years later. 1956, Egyptian President Gamal Abdel Nasser nationalized the Suez Canal. 1971, Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy, FL. 1998, AT&T and British Telecommunications PLC announced they were forming a joint venture to combine international operations and develop a new Internet system. 1999, 1,500 pieces of Marilyn Monroe's personal items went on display at Christie's in New York, NY. The items went on sale later in 1999. 2016, Hillary Clinton became the first woman to top a majority party ticket for President of the United States. 2018, Facebook lost $119 billion in market value. 2022 Do! smiled. |
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Go to TOP
Well, Do , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
Please give a friend a subscription to the Humor Letter
If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name,
or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me.
I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly
from then on.
If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't
have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me.
I will gladly enter them for you and send them a confirmation request.
To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com
If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time,
then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription.
If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/sub.html
You can also UNsubscribe there.
If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter,
please unsubscribe by clicking the link below:
You are currently subscribed to the Regular HTML version with this address:
newsletter@newslettercollector.com
UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular HTMLversion Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter | . |
