Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, February 7 Today's Bonehead Award: Assault with a frozen pork chop ______________________________________________________ Today, February 7 in 1974 The nation of Grenada gained independence from Britain. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
The trouble with normal is it always gets worse. --- Bruce Cockburn Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. --- Quentin Crisp When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. --- P. J. O'Rourke ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Angela for this story: An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. 'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.' The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna run for Congress. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. 'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man. ______________________________________________________ Rikki Pool's rays in approaching sand storm in Australia _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jennifer Brassard, 48, Brooksville, Florida Assault with a frozen pork chop Florida Woman is facing a domestic battery charge after allegedly clobbering her boyfriend in the face with a frozen pork chop during a dispute Friday night in their residence. Cops allege that Jennifer Brassard, 48, and her beau were engaged in a verbal argument around 9:45 PM when Brassard threw a frozen pork chop at the victim. The pork chop, a criminal complaint notes, struck the man below the left eye, causing a half-inch laceration. After getting hit with the pork chop, the victim fled the couple's home. Police arrested Brassard after determining that she was the primary aggressor during the domestic confrontation. Pictured above, Brassard was booked into the county jail on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. She was released from custody yesterday afternoon upon posting $250 bond. A judge has ordered Brassard to have no contact with her boyfriend. The criminal complaint does not indicate whether the pork chop was seized as evidence. From: Wolf Re: Fuzzy fonts Dear DearWebby, I have the same computer at home as my husband has at work. The fonts on his screen are nice and sharp, no matter what program he uses. On mine they are fuzzy, except when I use Safari for Windows. Dear hubby of course does not have a clue why. His machine had already been set up professionally when he got it. So, what do their techs know that I don't? Thanks Wolf Go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools or click on the wrench in the side menu here. In the toolbox look for a program called Clear Type Font Tuner. It's a fairly large download, but the actual usage is quick and simple. It shows you some examples and you click on the best looking one. Then it sets up your video accordingly. That is all there is to it. You will notice quite a difference. Your fonts will be a lot sharper, crisper, and more readable. However, I would not go as far as saying that they look as good in IE as they do in Safari for Windows. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly and finally exclaimed: "I'll need more power for this!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A husband and wife went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously. "YES!!" "Then I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. And she took the two eggs home. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Chill Your Jello Mold Place your Jello mold in fridge to chill before adding the Jello mixture. This will keep the "skin" off the mold. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | Paintings of a post-apocalyptic world. |
___________________________________________________ The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. ___________________________________________________ A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger- nails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous- ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call. "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife." ___________________________________________________ | Today February 7 in 1882 The last bareknuckle fight for the heavyweight boxing championship took place in Mississippi City. 1893 Elisha Gray patented a machine called the telautograph. It automatically signed autographs to documents. 1913 The Turks lost 5,000 men in a battle with the Bulgarian army in Gallipoli. 1940 "Pinocchio" world premiered at the Center Theatre in Manhattan. 1941 The Tommy Dorsey Orchestra and Frank Sinatra recorded "Everything Happens to Me." 1943 The U.S. government announced that shoe rationing would go into effect in two days. 1944 During World War II, the Germans launched a counteroffensive at Anzio, Italy. 1962 The U.S. government banned all Cuban imports and re-export of U.S. products to Cuba from other countries. 1974 The nation of Grenada gained independence from Britain. 1976 Darryl Sittler (Toronto Maple Leafs) set a National Hockey League (NHL) record when he scored 10 points in a game against the Boston Bruins. He scored six goals and four assists. 1977 Russia launched Soyuz 24. 1984 Space shuttle astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart made the first untethered space walk. 1985 "Sports Illustrated" released its annual swimsuit edition. It was the largest regular edition in the magazine's history at 218 pages. 1986 Haitian President-for-Life Jean-Claude Duvalier fled his country ending 28 years of family rule. 1991 The Rev. Jean-Bertrand Aristide was sworn in as Haiti's first democratically elected president. 1999 NASA's Stardust space probe was launched. The mission was to return comet dust samples from comet Wild 2. The mission was completed on January 15, 2006 when the sample return capsule returned to Earth. 2000 California's legislature declared that February 13 would be "Charles M. Schulz Day." 2008 The Space Shuttle Atlantis launched with the mission of delivering the Columbus science laboratory to the International Space Station. 2019 Do smiled. |
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