| Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, July 2 ____________________________________________________ History: today, July 2 in 1982, Larry Walters ("Lawnchair Larry") took flight in his homeade airship that consisted of a lawnchair with 45 helium- filled weather balloons attached to it. He stayed in flight for about an hour. ___________________________________________ Bonehead Pregnant woman shoots robber at Houston gas station ___________________________________________________ Q If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. --- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006) Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. --- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) ___________________________________________________ Church Squirrel Infestations The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with Gods divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water- slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Gods creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They havent seen a squirrel since. ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL - 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head ust visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL - 1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor. ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Mario Ipina Duque, 39, Houston, Texas, USA Pregnant woman shoots robber at Houston gas station A 9 months pregnant woman held her ground and fended off a would-be robber attempting to rob her and her husband at a Houston gas station. According to HPD, officers responded to a shooting at a gas station at 8605 Fulton Street on Tuesday, June 27, and found a male and a female holding a suspect at gunpoint. The suspect, later identified as Mario Ipina Duque, was suffering from several gunshot wounds. Houston Fire Department paramedics responded to the scene and transported Duque to the hospital. The male and female were both detained at the scene and weapons were recovered. Surveillance video shows Duque displaying a weapon and threatening to kill the male. He then struck the male with the pistol. The female and the male both produced guns and, in self-defense, shot Duque. They then held him at gunpoint and called 9-1-1. The partner of the robber fled in a green car and will be arrested later. Charges were filed against Duque. He is charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and unlawful carrying of a weapon by a felon. He remains hospitalized in HPD custody chained to a sturdy bed and watched by two big nurses armed with loaded bedpans. ___________________________________________________ >From Frank My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." __________________________________________________ A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a liberals gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' She thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ___________________________________________________ Citric Quartz ___________________________________________________ This is ancient. Some of that is from the days of DOS, when you were still jail nait. COMPUTER ONE LINERS DIVORCE.BAT found....deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C: I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am logged in, therefore I am. I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC. I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking? In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed Intel - still number 0.999873464508. ISDN: I Still Don't kNow ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups. Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready. Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce. Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections. Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources. One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128MB. Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}\-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. Real programs don't eat cache. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface... Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. System halted. Press Enter key to continue. System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue. System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __ The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The name is Baud... James Baud. ___________________________________________________ From: Janice Re: Smart Watch Glucose meter Dear Webby, You probablly have seen ads for Smart Watches, that test a dozen things, including Blood Glucose. Do they actually work, or are they a rip-off? Janice Dear Janice WORSE than a rip-off! I call them Murder Weapons! They give you totally wrong information. For example, when your glucose is at 16.8, it shows 6.2 6.2 is dangerously low for people, who are comfortable at 10, so if they take sugar or dectrose to raise their glucose level, it can kill them or knock them out. Fall down-go boom! It is a murder weapon! If you got conned into buying one, put it on a big rock and hammer it to smitherines, so that nobody else will get murdered. My gorgeous Diabetic Nurse advises the same. "It is a murder weapon. Destroy it!" Yes, Ma'am! Done. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! _____________________________________________________ WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN...... A goldfish and a mountain goat ? One mucks around in fountains. A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ? One is used for cunning stunts. A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ? One shoots but can't hit. A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ? One sucks and sucks and never fails. Caucus and cactus ? One has the pricks on the outside. A girl in church and a girl in the bath ? One has a soul full of hope. A war horse and a draught horse ? One darts into the fray. Your girlfriend and your bank account ? Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal. A good girl and a nice girl ? A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today July 2, in 1298, An army under Albert of Austria defeated and killed Adolf of Nassua near Worms, Germany. 1625, The Spanish army took Breda, Spain, after nearly a year of siege. 1644, Lord Cromwell crushed the Royalists at the Battle of Marston Moor near York, England. 1747, Marshall Saxe led the French forces to victory over an Anglo-Dutch force under the Duke of Cumberland at the Battle of Lauffeld. 1776, Richard Henry Lees resolution that the American colonies "are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States" was adopted by the Continental Congress. 1850, Prussia agreed to pull out of Schlewig and Holstein, Germany. 1850, Benjamin Lane patented a gas mask with a breathing apparatus. 1857, New York Citys first elevated railroad officially opened for business. 1858, Czar Alexander II freed the serfs working on imperial lands. 1881, Charles J. Guiteau fatally wounded U.S. President James A. Garfield in Washington, DC. 1890, The U.S. Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1926, The U.S. Congress established the Army Air Corps. 1937, American aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart disappeared in the Central Pacific during an attempt to fly around the world at the equator. 1939, At Mount Rushmore, Theodore Roosevelt's face was dedicated. 1944, American bombers, as part of Operation Gardening, dropped land mines, leaflets and bombs on German-occupied Budapest. 1947, An object crashed near Roswell, NM. The U.S. Army Air Force insisted it was a weather balloon, but eyewitness accounts led to speculation that it might have been an alien spacecraft. 1962, Wal-Mart Discount City opened in Rogers, Arkansas. It was the first Walmart store. 1964, U.S. President Johnson signed the "Civil Rights Act of 1964" into law. The act made it illegal in the U.S. to discriminate against others because of their race. 1967, The U.S. Marine Corps launched Operation Buffalo in response to the North Vietnamese Army's efforts to seize the Marine base at Con Thien. 1976, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1976, North Vietnam and South Vietnam were reunited. 1980, U.S. President Jimmy Carter reinstated draft registration for males 18 years of age. 1981, Soyuz T-6 returned to Earth. 1982, Larry Walters ("Lawnchair Larry") took flight in his homeade airship that consisted of a lawnchair with 45 helium- filled weather balloons attached to it. He stayed in flight for about an hour. 1985, General Motors announced that it was installing electronic road maps as an option in some of its higher-priced cars. 1995, "Forbes" magazine reported that Microsoft's chairman, Bill Gates, was the worth $12.9 billion, making him the world's richest man. 1998, Cable News Network (CNN) retracted a story that alleged that U.S. commandos had used nerve gas to kill American defectors during the Vietnam War. 2000, In Mexico, Vicente Fox Quesada of the National Action Party (PAN) defeated Francisco Labastida Ochoa of the Institutional Revolutionary Party (PRI) in the presidential election. The PRI had controlled the presidency in Mexico since the party was founded in 1929. 2023, Do smiled.
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