Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, August 26 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead award Woman abducted from Phoenix car dealership rescued in northern Arizona ___________________________________________________ Q Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. --- Tommy Cooper Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again. --- Mike Myers Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --- Billy Crystal (1947 - ) ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History: 1873, The school board of St. Louis, MO, authorized the first U.S. public kindergarten. ___________________________________________________ A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a $20, I wouldn't be eating here." __________________________________________________ Gran Strand, Sweden __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls! SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy. _____________________________________________ A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think", said the man scornfully. I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" ____________________________________________________ Morning stretch of the Great Egret _____________________________________________________ There was a Sunday school in Nebraska with thriteen children between the ages 4 to 5 yrs old. When the Sunday school teacher asked everyone to raise their hand if they wanted to go to heaven. Twelve of the chidren raised their hand, all except for four year old Johnny. When the Sunday school teacher asked: "Johnny, don't you want to go to Heaven?" Johnny looked around at everyone and replied: Not if this bunch is going." ___________________________________________________ A cashier In the grocery store held up a small dairy carton and yelled to an older co-worker, "How much is half-and- half?" Without a moment's hesitation and in a very patient voice, the other cashier replied, "One." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. --- Doug Larson ___________________________________________________ An old wild west fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." Yumti-Bi laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Heap large -- war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???" "No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate." __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Barb Re: Gmail Filters Dear Webby, You have been spouting off and pontificating about Gmail as if it had been handed down to Moses on stone tablets. However, you still have not told us how to make filters! How about it? Barb Dear Barb Open Gmail. In the search box at the top, click the Down arrow . Enter your search criteria. If you want to check that your search worked correctly, see what emails show up by clicking Search. At the bottom of the search window, click Create filter. Choose what you'd like the filter to do. Click Create filter. That's all there is to it! One thing to keep in mind, Gmail filters are NOT as versatile as the filters in MailWasher. FOr example, you can not prioritize them. For example if you use Staples as a trigger, and later make a filter with your lover's name, Gmail will have already deleted that mail by the time it gets to the filter with your lovers name. You CAN make "But not, IF" filters, just like in MailWasher, but that is definitely not for beginners. If that becomes an issue, just get MailWasher to pre-clean the mail and let it handle all the tricky filtering. Have FUN DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Sam Dunne was trying to locate his son, John, whom he hadn't heard from in 7 years. He hired a private detective, Roger, who decided he'd start looking for John in New York City. After pounding the pavement for several days, Roger saw "Dunne & Bradstreet" on a sign outside a skyscraper. "Ahh... DUNNE!!" thought Roger, and walked into the foyer. "Excuse me...you don't work here," said a security guard seated at a desk. "Oh, I'm looking for John," said Roger. "Ah, that's down the hall, third door on the left," said the guard. Roger burst into the men's room just as some poor guy was leaving the toilet stall. "Are you Dunne??" asked Roger. The poor guy gestured towards the toilet and said, "Yes, yes I am." "Well then," said Roger, "You'd better give your father a call!" Roger now works for the White House. ___________________________________________________ _______________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Linda Re: Too slow connection Dear Webby, My neighbor's daughter claims her Internet connection is too slow for downloading Skype or Zoom for her mother. Is that possible? She is always on FaceBook, and her connection does not stop her from that. Is she lying? Linda Dear Linda, yes, she is. She probably wants to flirt at all her lovers, and not share the machine with her mother. Tell the mother to just use Facebook and hog the machine. She can also use the Speed test at https://www.speedtest.net/ If she gets 4.3 Mbps or more for download speed, then her connection is good enough. Most likely she will get a LOT more than that! You can also go visit, when the lying brat is at school, and download Skype and ZOOM for her in exchange for a coffee. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ John Krampl at Waterton Lakes National Park a bit south of here. ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Jacob Wilhoit, 41, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Woman abducted from Phoenix car dealership rescued in northern Arizona A woman abducted from a Phoenix car dealership was rescued in northern Arizona after she passed a note to a gas station customer asking them to call 911, according to the Yavapai County Sheriff's Office. Deputies say Jacob Wilhoit, 41, wore a wig and impersonated an Uber driver to kidnap the woman on Aug. 21. "He ended up, taking her into his minivan, putting zip ties on her, and abducting her," said YCSO spokesperson Kristin Greene. The victim had given the note to a customer at a Chevron in Seligman, Arizona on Aug. 22, saying that she was kidnapped and to call 911. "The note included a description of the van the woman was in, a phone number, and said that they were going to Kingman and Las Vegas," officials said. The customer reported it to authorities and gave a description of the van, the direction it was heading, and what the man and woman were wearing. "During this time, YCSO 911 Dispatchers determined that the victim had been reported missing by her mother and entered as missing/endangered earlier that afternoon," read a statement from YCSO. "The entry mentioned Jacob Wilhoit by name as a person of interest." Authorities confirmed that Wilhoit and the victim knew each other. Deputies were able to pull over the vehicle along I-40 at milepost 116, and both parties were detained. "The victim is still shaken up, but I think she did an amazing job and ended up doing everything right," Greene said. Multiple firearms were found in Wilhoit's car, officials said. He is accused of harassment, threatening, intimidating, aggravated assault, unlawful imprisonment, kidnapping and other assault charges. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today August 26, in 55 B.C., Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius Caesar. 1498, Michelangelo was commissioned to make the "Pieta." 1842, The first fiscal year was established by the U.S. Congress to start on July 1st. 1847, Liberia was proclaimed as an independent republic. 1873, The school board of St. Louis, MO, authorized the first U.S. public kindergarten. 1896, In the Philippines, an insurrection began against the Spanish government. 1920, The 19th amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect. The amendment prohibited discrimination on the basis of sex in the voting booth. 1934, Adolf Hitler demanded that France turn the Saar region back to Germany. 1937, All Chinese shipping was blockaded by Japan. 1939, The first televised major league baseball games were shown. The event was a double-header between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers. 1939, The radio program, "Arch Obolers Plays", presented the NBC Symphony for the first time. 1945, The Japanese were given surrender instructions on the U.S. battleship Missouri at the end of World War II. 1957, It was announced that an intercontinental ballistic missile was successfully tested by the Soviet Union. 1957, The first Edsel made by the Ford Motor Company rolled of the assembly line. 1961, The International Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto opened. 1973, A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made August 26th Women's Equality Day. 1978, Sigmund Jahn blasted off aboard the Russian Soyuz 31 and became the first German in space. 1981, The U.S. claimed that North Korea fired an antiaircraft missile at a U.S. Surveillance plane while it was over South Korea. 1987, The Fuller Brush Company announced plans to open two retail stores in Dallas, TX. The company had sold its products door to door for 81 years. 1990, The 55 Americans at the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait left Baghdad by car and headed for the Turkish border. 1991, Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev promised that national elections would be held. 1992, A "no-fly zone" was imposed on the southern 1/3 of Iraq. The move by the U.S., France and Britain was aimed at protecting Iraqi Shiite Muslims. 1998, The U.S. government announced that they were investigating Microsoft in an attempt to discover if they "bullied" Intel into delaying new technology. 2023, Do smiled.
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