Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, July 26 ____________________________________________________ History: today, July 26 in 1953, Fidel Castro began his revolt against Fulgencio Batista with an unsuccessful attack on a army barracks in eastern Cuba. Castro eventually ousted Batista six years later. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Deputies capture man accused of killing Arizona City store clerk ___________________________________________________ Q Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. --- Socratex I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. --- Carl Sandburg (1878 - 1967) The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities. --- Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC) __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Written to Rexall Drug's Customer Service Center: Dear Carb Solutions, I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim . . . err, uhhh . . . "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me. Soon to be your competitor... xxxxxxxx Bellingham, Massachusetts ___________________________________________________ The showers in my daughter's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets. During one of my daughter's visits home, a friend stopped by to chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that she didn't tell me all about her life the way she used to. Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom, "Flushing!" "Wow!" said my friend, "How much more do you want to know?" ___________________________________________________ We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone." ___________________________________________________ Stellars Jay ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Deja moo: Knowing you've heard this bull before ____________________________________________________ A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet shortly after he finds the anesthetics and poisons." ____________________________________________________ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. ____________________________________________________ Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow shrugged his shoulders and said: "Hmmm, Maybe you're right." __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Bonita Re: Gmail full alarm Dear Webby My Gmail is getting close to the 15 GB limit. PANIK! Actually BIG PANIK! How do I trim it down? Bonita Dear Bonita There are many ways to do that. Some are quite radical. Let's start with the tame ones: Dump the trash, dump the spam. You will never look at those anyway. Since you seem to be one of the unfortunate few, who don't have MailWasher yet, you probably have tons of unwanted ads. Pick one, for example one advertising weight loss. Copy the recurring part of their address or subject, and put that into the search at the top. 27,000 of them! Click the little square above the select squares. That selects all the ones showing. Hit DELETE. They are gone in seconds. Aint't this fun! Pick the next frequent nuisance. Do the same. If you have a lot of silly movies, that you will never watch again, then search for mp4 You might even have a bunch of mp3. OK, dump the trash again and now look at the mailbox size. Pat yourself where it feels good. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ >From Tina New Girlfriend "How are you doing with your new girlfriend?" "I'm having second thoughts. I asked her if she could learn to love me." "Yeah-- and?" "And she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education." ____________________________________________ Actual excerpts from college course evaluation forms: 1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room." 2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high." 3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!" 4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." 5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." 6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it." 7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material." 8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well- organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." 9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree." 10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose- spraying in all directions-no way to stop it." 11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets." 12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam." ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Billy Johnson, 31, Arizona City, Arizona, USA Deputies capture man accused of killing Arizona City store clerk The Pinal County Sheriff's Office ends its search for an "armed and dangerous" suspect accused of killing a convenience store clerk in Arizona City. The incident happened at a Sunlite Market near Sunland Gin Road and Concordia Drive Sunday morning. Deputies say that someone called 911 to report that the clerk was hurt and not breathing. By the time first responders arrived, the victim, 41-year-old Mohammed Abdul Hasim, a clerk at the market, was dead. Initially, the suspect was reportedly on the run, and deputies described him as a middle-aged Black man with facial hair. Hours after police asked for the public's help and spread the store video all over, deputies announced the suspect, identified as 31-year-old Billy Johnson, was captured. In a Facebook post on July 24, officials stated, "Thanks to tips from the community, PCSO detectives were able to identify Johnson as the suspect." The deputies tracked Johnson to his Casa Grande home, observed him leaving around 4:30 p.m., and later conducted a high-risk traffic stop on his vehicle. He was subsequently taken into custody. "Johnson has been booked into the Pinal County Jail for First Degree Murder and Armed Robbery," stated PCSO officials. ___________________________________________________ The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ BODY CHEMISTRY (New version) Element : Woman Symbol : WO Discoverer : Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the cystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ? ___________________________________________________ The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked. "A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything." The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?" __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today July 26, in 1775, A postal system was established by the 2nd Continental Congress of the United States. The first Postmaster General was Benjamin Franklin. 1788, New York became the 11th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1881, Thomas Edison and Patrick Kenny execute a patent application for a facsimile telegraph (U.S. Pat. 479,184). 1893, Commercial production of the Addressograph started in Chicago, IL. 1907, The Chester was launched. It was the first turbine- propelled ship. 1908, U.S. Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issued an order that created an investigative agency that was a forerunner of the FBI. 1945, Winston Churchill resigned as Britain's prime minister. 1947, U.S. President Truman signed The National Security Act. The act created the National Security Council, the Department of Defense, the Central Intelligence Agency and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 1948, U.S. President Truman signed executive orders that prohibited discrimination in the U.S. armed forces and federal employment. 1952, King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated in the wake of a coup led by Gamal Abdel Nasser. 1953, Fidel Castro began his revolt against Fulgencio Batista with an unsuccessful attack on a army barracks in eastern Cuba. Castro eventually ousted Batista six years later. 1956, Egyptian President Gamal Abdel Nasser nationalized the Suez Canal. 1971, Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy, FL. 1998, AT&T and British Telecommunications PLC announced they were forming a joint venture to combine international operations and develop a new Internet system. 1999, 1,500 pieces of Marilyn Monroe's personal items went on display at Christie's in New York, NY. The items went on sale later in 1999. 2016, Hillary Clinton became the first woman to top a majority party ticket for President of the United States. 2018, Facebook lost $119 billion in market value. 2023, Do smiled.
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