Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, March 31 Today in March 31 in 1880, Wabash, IN, became the first town to be completely illuminated with electric light. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Fresno kidnapper jailed ___________________________________________________ Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. --- E. Joseph Cossman ___________________________________________________ The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt." ____________________________________________________ Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual having sex with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?" Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the largest city in the area. After about a dozen belts of neat whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A waitress in a flimsy, low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?" The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on. "How did you know I'm a priest? he asked. The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. I go to the same psychiatrist!" ____________________________________________________ Darryl Machum Painted Turtles, Alberta ___________________________________________________ One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache, - and no horns." ____________________________________________________ A fifth grader looks sad, so her teacher asks, "What's the problem? I hope it's not homework again." "Well, uh, yes it is," the little girl says. "I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane." "That wasn't a very bright thing to do," says the teacher, "but just this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in." "Oh, but that won't work," the girl says, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked, and Little Johnny already handed it in as his." __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesus Benitez Jr., 33, Fresno, California, USA Fresno kidnapper jailed Investigators from the Fresno Police Department have identified the person who allegedly kidnapped a woman on Monday. Fresno police say that Jesus Benitez Jr., 33, was arrested Monday shortly after his vehicle was located in the area of Lane and Winery avenues in Fresno. Investigators say Benitez was taken into custody without incident. Around 11:00 a.m. on Monday, officers responded to the area of Fresno and Tyler streets after it was reported that a woman had possibly been hit by a vehicle. When officers arrived, they say they learned that the woman had actually been possibly kidnapped by Benitez. Fresno police confirmed that the video that surfaced Monday was of the alleged kidnapping. Benitez was booked into Fresno County jail on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, in this case, a vehicle, kidnapping and domestic battery. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Darlene RE: Hillbilly Medical Dictionary Dear Webby Dear Webby, sorry to bother you with another repeat request. But could you please repeat that Hillbilly Medical Dictionary that you had a few years ago ? Thanks Darlene Dear Darlene Sure, Darlene. here it is: "REDNECK GUIDE TO MEDICAL TERMS " BENIGN--------What you be after you be eight ARTERY--------The study of paintings BACTERIA--------Back door to the cafeteria BARIUM--------What doctors do when patients die CESAREAN SECTION--The red light neighborhood in Rome CAT-SCAN-------- Searching for kitty CAUTERIZE--------Made eye contact with her COLIC--------A sheep dog COMA--------Punctuation mark D&C--------Where Washington is DILATE--------To live long ENEMA--------Not a friend FESTER--------Quicker than someone else FIBULA--------A small lie GENITAL--------Non-Jewish person G.I. SERIES--------World Series of military baseball HANGNAIL----------What you hang your coat on IMPOTENT--------Distinguished or well-known LABOR PAIN--------Getting hurt at work MEDICAL STAFF--------Doctors' cane MORBID--------A higher offer than I bid NITRATES--------Cheaper than day rates NODE--------I knew it OUTPATIENT--------A person who has fainted PAP SMEAR--------A fatherhood test PELVIS--------Second cousin to Elvis POST OPERATIVE--------A letter carrier RECOVERY ROOM--------Place to do upholstery RECTUM---------Damn near killed him SECRETION--------Hiding something SEIZURE----------Roman emperor TABLET--------A small table TERMINAL ILLNESS--------Getting sick at the airport TUMOR--------More than one URINE--------Opposite of you're out VARICOSE----------Near or close by Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ A principal is making his rounds in the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise. He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. "Now," he says, "are there any questions?" One girl stands up timidly. "Please sir," she asks, "may we have our teacher back?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ There is the story of a priest who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets." ______________________________________________ "Sorry, no," says the proctor. "Sir, I really must insist," says the student, taking out a copy of the 400 year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect. He points to a section which reads (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." The proctor gives in, but since cakes and ale aren't readily available, he and the student agree that hamburgers and beer can be substituted, and the student sits there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the same student is fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Two lawyers go into a cafe, order soft drinks, and open up their sack lunches. "Hey," shouts the proprietor. "You can't eat your own food in here!" "Okay," says one, and he and his friend swap their sandwiches. ___________________________________________________ | Today, March 31, in 1492, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain issued the Alhambra edict expelling Jews who were unwilling to convert to Christianity. 1776, Abigail Adams wrote to her husband John that women were "determined to foment a rebellion" if the new Declaration of Independence failed to guarantee their rights. 1779, Russia and Turkey signed a treaty concerning military action in Crimea. 1831, Quebec and Montreal were incorporated as cities. 1854, The U.S. government signed the Treaty of Kanagawa with Japan. The act opened the ports of Shimoda and Hakotade to American trade. 1862, Skirmishing between Rebels and Union forces took place at Island 10 on the Mississippi River. 1870, In Perth Amboy, NJ, Thomas Munday Peterson became the first black to vote in the U.S. 1880, Wabash, IN, became the first town to be completely illuminated with electric light. 1885, Binney & Smith Company was founded in New York City. The company later became Crayola, LLC. 1889, In Paris, the Eiffel Tower officially opened. 1900, The W.E. Roach Company was the first automobile company to put an advertisement in a national magazine. The magazine was the "Saturday Evening Post". 1900, In France, the National Assembly passed a law reducing the workday for women and children to 11 hours. 1901, In Russia, the Czar lashed out at Socialist- Revolutionaries with the arrests of 72 people and the seizing of two printing presses. 1902, In Tennessee, 22 coal miners were killed by an explosion. 1904, In India, hundreds of Tibetans were slaughtered by the British. 1905, Kaiser Wilhelm arrived in Tangier proclaiming to support an independent state of Morocco. 1906, The Conference on Moroccan Reforms in Algericas ended after two months with France and Germany in agreement. 1908, 250,000 coal miners in Indianapolis, IN, went on strike to await a wage adjustment. 1909, Serbia accepted Austrian control over Bosnia- Herzegovina. 1917, The U.S. purchased and took possession of the Virgin Islands from Denmark for $25 million. 1918, For the first time in the U.S., Daylight Saving Time went into effect. 1921, Great Britain declared a state of emergency because of the thousands of coal miners on strike. 1923, In New York City, the first U.S. dance marathon was held. Alma Cummings set a new world record of 27 hours. 1932, The Ford Motor Co. debuted its V-8 engine. 1933, The U.S. Congress authorized the Civilian Conservation Corps to relieve rampant unemployment. 1933, The "Soperton News" in Georgia became the first newspaper to publish using a pine pulp paper. 1939, Britain and France agreed to support Poland if Germany threatened invasion. 1940, La Guardia airport in New York officially opened to the public. 1941, Germany began a counter offensive in North Africa. 1945, "The Glass Menagerie" by Tennessee Williams opened on Broadway. 1946, Monarchists won the elections in Greece. 1947, John L. Lewis called a strike in sympathy for the miners killed in an explosion in Centralia, IL, on March 25, 1947. 1948, The Soviets in Germany began blocking the Western trains headed toward Berlin. 1949, Winston Churchill declared that the A-bomb was the only thing that kept the U.S.S.R. from taking over Europe. 1949, Newfoundland entered the Canadian confederation as its 10th province. 1958, The U.S. Navy formed the atomic submarine division. 1959, The Dalai Lama (Lhama Dhondrub, Tenzin Gyatso) began exile by crossing the border into India where he was granted political asylum. Gyatso was the 14th Daila Lama. 1960, The South African government declared a state of emergency after demonstrations led to the death of more than 50 Africans. 1966, An estimated 200,000 anti-war demonstrators march in New York City. (New York) 1966, The Soviet Union launched Luna 10, which became the first spacecraft to enter a lunar orbit. 1967, U.S. President Lyndon Johnson signed the Consular Treaty, the first bi-lateral pact with the Soviet Union since the Bolshevik Revolution. 1970, The U.S. forces in Vietnam down a MIG-21, it was the first since September 1968. 1976, The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Anne Quinlan could be disconnected from a respirator. Quinlan remained comatose until 1985 when she died. 1980, U.S. President Carter deregulated the banking industry. 1981, In Bangkok, Thailand, four of five Indonesian terrorists were killed after hijacking an airplane on March 28. 1985, ABC-TV aired the 200th episode of "The Love Boat." 1986, 167 people died when a Mexicana Airlines Boeing 727 crashed in Los Angeles. 1987, HBO (Home Box Office) earned its first Oscar for "Down and Out in America". 1989, Canada and France signed a fishing rights pact. 1991, Albania offered a multi-party election for the first time in 50 years. Incumbent President Ramiz Alia won. 1991, Iraqi forces recaptured the northern city of Kirkuk from Kurdish guerillas. 1993, Brandon Lee was killed accidentally while filming a movie. 1994, "Nature" magazine announced that a complete skull of Australppithecus afarensis had been found in Ethiopia. The finding is of humankind's earliest ancestor. 1998, U.N. Security Council imposed arms embargo on Yugoslavia. 1998, For the first time in U.S. history the federal government's detailed financial statement was released. This occurred under the Clinton administration. 1999, Three U.S. soldiers were captured by Yugoslav soldiers three miles from the Yugoslav border in Macedonia. 1999, Fabio was hit in the face by a bird during a promotional ride of a new roller coaster at the Busch Gardens theme park in Williamsburg, VA. Fabio received a one-inch cut across his nose. 2000, In Uganda, officials set the number of deaths linked to a doomsday religious cult, the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments, at more than 900. In Kanungu, a March 17 fire at the cult's church killed more than 530 and authorities subsequently found mass graves at various sites linked to the cult. 2004, Air America Radio launched five stations around the U.S. 2004, Google Inc. announced that it would be introducing a free e-mail service called Gmail. 2022 Do smiled. |
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