Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, April 12 Have FUN! DerWebby Todays Bonehead Award: Australian Rapper Terry Peck skipped out on $621 food and booze bill Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, April 12 in 1204 The Fourth Crusade sacked Constantinople. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. --- Anthony Burgess (1917 - 1993) Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again. --- Mike Myers _______________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Olga and Cherie had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Cherie glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A railway inspector in Arkansas was making the rounds of a railway station and yard in a small town. He located Hank, a man who had worked in the rail yard for almost forty years. He questioned Hank about various safety considerations and seemed to be satisfied that Hank was genuinely knowledgeable about railway safety. As a last question, he asked Hank what he would do if he saw two trains approaching each other, on the same track, travelling at speeds of 60 miles per hour? Hank said "I'd yell R.T." The railway inspector, puzzled by this, asked, "What's an R.T. ?" Hank said, "R.T.'s my buddy and he's got one of them deegital cameras!" ______________________________________________________ It Snowed Again Last Night ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Terry Peck, 33, Southport, Gold Coast, Australia Australian Rapper Terry Peck skipped out on $621 food and booze bill An aspiring rapper gorged himself on seafood and alcohol at a Gold Coast restaurant and then fled into the surf without paying his $621 bill, a Queensland court has heard. Terry Peck, 33, allegedly devoured two lobsters, 17 oyster shooters, a baby octopus, and several beers at Main Beach's Omeros Bros Restaurant, all by himself, because his fan did not want to be seen with him, before making his getaway. The staff from Main Beach restaurant took off in hot pursuit. Peck, who goes by the name 2pec, ran onto the beach and into the surf, and efforts to cajole him back to shore were unsuccessful. Two police jumped on a lifeguard's jet ski, caught and tenderized him and handcuffed him right in the ocean before towing him to the beach. Peck was charged with stealing and two counts of serious assault of a police officer, and appeared in the Southport Magistrates Court today. The court heard Peck allegedly committed the offences while on parole after being released from prison in February. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Mina Re: Keyboard shortcuts Dear Webby I got all your old keyboard shortcuts and love them. Do you have any new ones? Mina Dear Mina Yes, there are some that are not in my old list of keyboard shortcuts. They are for browsing and work on most browsers. I use Chrome, except for posting on forums and for shopping, where Chrome fails when you try to preview. For that you have to use FireFox. They still have not fixed that Chrome bug. OK, here is the most important shortcut, that you can't replace by mousing around: CTRL T If you restart because of some silly updates or because your 147 open tabs got the memory all bunged up, the browser may or may not open with all your tabs. Sometimes it may briefly ask if you want it to restore all the old tabs. If you don't get your curser onto that little pop-up within 1.5 seconds, you are stuck with a browser, that has forgotten all your 147 tabs. Even worse, if you had 3 browser windows, each with lots of open tabs! Now what? CTRL T restores one browser window with all it's tabs. While you got your paws on the keyboard, hit it again! CTRL T and the next window is restored CTRL T again, and the third window is restored! If you accidentally closed a tab, and just as it cloed you spotted something interesting? CTRL SHIFT T re-opens it. Got CTRL T firmly scratched into the monitor frame? If you keep a whole bunch of tabs open, then you really should get the ONE-TAB browser extension. It is like a manageable history. ALT SHIFT Z closes a tab and puts it into the ONE-TAB list. You can re-open it at any time. You can even change ALT SHIFT Z to whatever is most comfortable for your hand. Isn't that downright civilized? Also very handy is the space bar when you are reading a long article. It scrolls you down one paragraph. You probably know about CTRL D for bookmarking a page and putting it into the chaos, where you can never find anything. If you ever want to make the bookmarks usable, export them and put them into a spreadsheet. Add a new column on the left and put rating numbers or category codes into that column. Yes, I know, the exporting from Chrome rather lame. You can't export in CSV format, just in HTML, but most modern spreadsheets can handle that. After you have your bookmarks in a spreadsheet, dump the ones in the browser and start fresh. That way you can simply add the fresh ones once a month or year to the spreadsheet. In the spreadsheet, of course, you can sort them any way you want and re-sort differently in a second. Next one is CTRL K If you want to search for purple peale eaters, hit CTRL K and the search bar opens, start typing your search phrase and hit ENTER. CTL L gets the cursor to the URL line, ready to type in the domain name of your choice. Overloaded your memory yet? Say you want to go to the 7th tab. CTRL 7 CTRL and the number of the tab you want, jumps you there. OK, OK, I'll quit in a moment. One more important shortcut. Lets say you want slightly bigger fonts: CTRL + Smaller: CTRL - There are a few more, but these are the most important ones. Have FUN! DearWebby >Thanks to Cookie for these daffinitions: BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who to blame for it. SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all' not 'reply'.) See also CLM CLM - Career Limiting Move: Telling a racy joke about the boss to someone on the phone, without first checking to see if the boss is visiting the cubicle on the other side of the paper wall. BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am. BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crime watch. GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like shes got four buttocks SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Garlic Bread Recipes By katrine2706 [85 Posts, 33 Comments] Garlic bread is my favorite. I love the aroma and the rich flavor of garlic. But it is not always available in most bakeries here in my province so I make my own simple garlic bread recipe at home. Garlic breads are also often sprinkled with garlic powder but in my recipe I chose to use real garlic clove as it adds more aroma and flavor plus I don't have to buy the powder which costs $1.46 while the garlic clove is only $.10. That means it is another big savings for a thrifty mom like me. Ingredients: sliced bread 1 Tbsp salted butter 1 tsp grated garlic Steps: Melt butter in a saucer. Stir in the grated garlic clove until distributed. Brush the mixture all over the sliced bread. You can use unsalted butter if you wish but salted butter works well for me because I don't have to garnish my bread with salt. Bake/toast in 180 C for 10 minutes. Serve hot! Traditional Garlic Bread uses Italian or French bread, that you slice yourself, thick. Because gluten and me don't get along anymore, I had to step back from those nicely crusty breads. You can use "Texas Toast" bread. It is similar, cut thick, and has a LOT less gluten. The end result tastes almost exactly the same, but no Gluten hassle Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Despite his best sales pitch, a life insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think." ___________________________________________________ | | A couple of the 200 caves in Brazil. |
Government organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around, some simply just idling. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but "a*******." (you can fill in the blank). Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, on April 12 1096 Peter the Hermit gathered his army in Cologne. 1204 The Fourth Crusade sacked Constantinople. 1606 England adopted the original Union Jack as its flag. 1782 The British navy won its only naval engagement against the colonists in the American Revolution at the Battle of Saints, off Dominica. 1799 Phineas Pratt patented the comb cutting machine. 1811 The first colonists arrived at Cape Disappointment, Washington. 1833 Charles Gaylor patented the fireproof safe. 1861 Fort Sumter was shelled by Confederacy, starting America's Civil War. 1864 Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest captured Fort Pillow, in Tennessee and slaughters the black Union troops there. 1877 A catcher's mask was used in a baseball game for the first time by James Alexander Tyng. 1892 Voters in Lockport, New York, became the first in the U.S. to use voting machines. 1911 Pierre Prier completed the first non-stop London-Paris flight in three hours and 56 minutes. 1916 American cavalrymen and Mexican bandit troops clashed at Parrel, Mexico. 1927 The British Cabinet came out in favor of women voting rights. 1938 The first U.S. law requiring a medical test for a marriage license was enacted in New York. 1944 The U.S. Twentieth Air Force was activated to begin the strategic bombing of Japan. 1945 In New York, the organization of the first eye bank, the Eye Bank for Sight Restoration, was announced. 1945 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt died in Warm Spring, GA. He died of a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 63. Harry S Truman became president. 1955 The University of Michigan Polio Vaccine Evaluation Center announced that the polio vaccine of Dr. Jonas Salk was "safe, effective and potent." 1961 Soviet Yuri Alexeyevich Gagarin became first man to orbit the Earth. 1963 Police used dogs and cattle prods on peaceful civil rights demonstrators in Birmingham, AL. 1981 The space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral, FL, on its first test flight. 1982 The British Navy began enforcing a blockade around the Falkland Islands. 1983 Harold Washington was elected the first black mayor of Chicago. 1984 Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Challenger made the first satellite repair in orbit by returning the Solar Max satellite to space. 1984 Israeli troops stormed a bus that had been hijacked the previous evening by four Arab terrorists. All the passengers were rescued and 2 of the hijackers were killed. 1985 U.S. Senator Jake Garn of Utah became the first senator to fly in space as the shuttle Discovery lifted off from Cape Canaveral, FL. 1985 In Spain, an explosion in a restaurant near a U.S. base killed 17 people. 1985 Federal inspectors declared that four animals of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus were not unicorns. They were goats with horns that had been surgically implanted. 1987 Texaco filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy after it failed to settle a legal dispute with Pennzoil Co. 1988 Harvard University won a patent for a genetically altered mouse. It was the first patent for a life form. 1988 The Chinese government named a new array of younger leaders to ensure economic reform. 1989 In the U.S.S.R, ration cards were issued for the first time since World War II. The rationing was prompted by a sugar shortage. 1993 NATO began enforcing a no-fly zone over Bosnia and Herzegovina. 2000 More than 1,500 anti-drug agents raided four cities in Colombia and arrested 46 members of the "most powerful" heroin ring. 2000 Robert Cleaves, 71, was convicted of second degree murder and was sentenced to 16 years in prison. Cleaves had repeatedly run over Arnold Guerreiro on September 30, 1998 with his car after the two had an argument. 2000 Israel's High Court ordered the release of eight Lebanese detainees that had been held for years without a trial. 2002 It was announced that the South African version of "Sesame Street" would be introducing a character that was HIV-positive. 2002 JCPenney Chairman Allen Questrom rang the opening bell to start the business day at the New York Stock Exchange as part of the company's centennial celebrations. James Cash (J.C.) Penney opened his first retail store on April 14, 1902. 2017 Do smiled. |
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