Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, September 8 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get this, that ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in this building except one." "Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into space. "Must be that stuck up Fran Beasly on the fourth floor." ____________________________________________________ 2 One day, a man came home from work and greeted his wife. Upon seeing him, she asked for $20 to buy meat to fix for dinner that night. He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, " Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me." Satisfied with his ingenious remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten. The next day, he came home and greeted his wife. When he went in the dining room, the table was laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asked his wife where she had gotten the money. She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher." ____________________________________________________ 3 Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy style. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh." They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again. "Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again. After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny." Now Little Johnny, being more than a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax. In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis... When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again." The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?" Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda." ____________________________________________________ 5 One doctor tells another. "I just have to talk to some one I am so guilt ridden." Second doctor says, "Well you can tell me I have a lot of doctors confiding in me, maybe I can help." "Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my patients every chance I got and I just have to get it off my chest." "That is not too strange a lot of doctors I know have sex with their patients, However, I will admit not many of them are vets." ____________________________________________________ 6 Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Six... One to hold the bulb and five others to stand around and drink until the room spins. ____________________________________________________ 7 Two Poms and an Irishman were manning the spotlights in England in WW2. One pom says to the other, "Here, I'll show you how stupid the Irish are." The pom says to Paddy, "Hey Paddy, climb up the beam of light and see if the Germans are coming tonite." Paddy says, "You'd be thinking I'm stupid... I'd get half way up and you'd turn the bloody thing off on me!" =====================================================
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Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
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