Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, January 16 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Killer arrested after he murdereed tow truck driver repossessing vehicle. Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, January 16 in 1572 The Duke of Norfolk was tried for treason for complicity in the Ridolfi plot to restore Catholicism in England. He was executed on June 2. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. --- Doug Larson Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. --- H. G. Wells (1866 - 1946) I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. --- Marshall McLuhan I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. --- Poul Anderson ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Sorry!" responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant." ____________________________________________________ An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ 'Stift Rein IX' in Eisbach, Styria, Austria No light reading in those days! _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If: * The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. * People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. * The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up. * Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4- wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." * The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". * In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. * Baptism is referred to as "branding". * There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. * Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. * High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. * People think "rapture" is what you get when you slip while lifting a beer keg. * The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. * The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Towing and Junkyard. * The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. * Instead of a bell, you are called to service by an Ah-Oogha horn. * The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. * The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink", in Styrofoam cups. " Thou shalt not covet" applies only to hunting dogs. * The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya Hear" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Anton Robinson, 20, Petersburg, Virginia Killer arrested after he murdereed tow truck driver repossessing vehicle. According WTVR, Cindy and Jimmy Lee, owners of River City Recovery, are mourning the sudden and senseless death of their beloved employee, Allan Humphries. The 42-year-old man was murdered Thursday morning, shot in the back of the head while trying to repossess a car, according to Petersburg Police. The police officer had answered Allan`s phone, said Cindy. His best friend had called him to check on him and he hadn't answered the phone. Twenty-year-old Anton Robinson has been charged with first- degree murder in connection to the shooting. The Lees said Humphries never saw it coming. It wasn`t an altercation, because if there was an altercation, he would have left, said Jimmy. We`re all trained the same way. No vehicle is worth your life." The couple said that Humphries leaves behind a mother, brother, son, and young granddaughter. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Marcy Re: Deleting individual cookies Good morning Webby I really like the picture of the 2 kids and the bird and would like to use it as a screen saver but I'm not sure how to do it. Could you tell me how to do it? I read your news letter the first thing every morning. peddlerfrank Dear Frank Make a new, easy to find, folder, name it Keepers Save the big version of the pictue to that folder. You can save all kinds of "keepers" to that folder. Open the Control Panel. Double-click on the display icon. Click the screen saver tab. Select Slideshow In there you can select the location of the files you want, your Keepers folder, and the delay and the duration of each picture. It is a good idea to make a subdirectory or two inside that Keepers directory. Make one for "Staging" (getting ready for Fathers Day) and one for "Bored", where you park the Christmas pictures, that you are bored with for now. Next December you can drag them upstairs to the Keepers directory, that the slide show looks for, and drag the Halloween pictures down to "Bored". You can have one or thousands of files in the Keepers folder. Set the delay to at least 30 seconds, so that the screen saver does not come on every time you stop to sneeze. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there was a fight going on in the apartment right over him. So when the policeman arrived at the upstairs apartment, he heard furniture being thrown around and signs of a good old family brawl. He rapped on the door with his night stick and the door was opened by a very determined and disheveled woman. "Who's head of the family here?" "You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're trying to settle inside. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Our parish priest was making his visits to several homes in the neighborhood. He knocked on one door, and a little 4-year-old boy opened it. When he saw the priest, he called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put a Pan Under Sink When Making Repairs If you change the faucet or drain in your kitchen or bathroom sink, put a shallow pan under the sink to catch any drips. Keep the pan there for 4 weeks to make sure water isn't accumulating. Check it periodically and tighten fixtures if necessary. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts." | | The World s Steepest Cliff Railway Just Opened in the Swiss Alps |
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ...........I tell you, I just messed my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, January 16, in 1547 Ivan the Terrible was crowned Czar of Russia. 1572 The Duke of Norfolk was tried for treason for complicity in the Ridolfi plot to restore Catholicism in England. He was executed on June 2. 1759 The British Museum opened. 1809 The British defeated the French at the Battle of Corunna, in the Peninsular War. 1866 Everett Barney patented the metal screw, clamp skate. 1883 The United States Civil Service Commission was established as the Pendleton Act went into effect. 1900 The U.S. Senate consented to the Anglo-German treaty of 1899, by which the U.K. renounced rights to the Samoan islands. 1919 The 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which prohibited the sale or transportation of alcoholic beverages, was ratified. It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment. 1920 Prohibition went into effect in the U.S. 1920 The motion picture "The Kid" opened. 1925 Leon Trotsky was dismissed as Chairman of the Revolutionary Council of the USSR. 1939 The "I Love a Mystery" debuted on NBC's West-Coast outlets. 1944 General Dwight D. Eisenhower took command of the Allied invasion force in London. 1961 Mickey Mantle signed a contract that made him the highest paid baseball player in the American League at $75,000 for the 1961 season. 1964 "Hello Dolly!" opened at the St. James Theatre in New York City. 1970 Colonel Muammar el-Quaddafi became virtual president of Libya. 1970 Buckminster Fuller, the designer of the geodesic dome, was awarded the Gold Medal of the American Institute of Architects. 1979 The Shah of Iran and his family fled Iran for Egypt. 1982 Britain and the Vatican resumed full diplomatic relations after a break of over 400 years. 1985 "Playboy" magazine announced its 30-year tradition of stapling centerfold models in the bellybutton and elsewhere would come to an immediate end. 1988 Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder was fired as a CBS sports commentator one day after telling a TV station in Washington, DC, that, during the era of slavery, blacks had been bred to produce stronger offspring. 1998 Researchers announce that an altered gene helped to defend against HIV. 1991 The White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm. The operation was designed to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait. 1992 Officials of the government of El Salvador and rebel leaders signed a pact in Mexico City ending 12 years of civil war. At least 75,000 people were killed during the fighting. 1998 The first woman to enroll at Virginia Military Institute withdrew from the school. 1998 NASA officially announced that John Glenn would fly aboard the space shuttle Discovery in October. 1998 It was announced that Texas would receive $15.3 billion in a tobacco industry settlement. The payouts were planned to take place over 25 years. 1998 Three federal judges secretly granted Kenneth Starr authority to probe whether U.S. President Clinton or Vernon Jordan urged Monica Lewinsky to lie about her relationship with Clinton. 2000 Ricardo Lagos was elected Chile's first socialist president since Salvador Allende. 2002 U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that John Walker Lindh would be brought to the United States to face trial. He was charged in U.S. District Court in Alexandria, VA, with conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens, providing support to terrorist organizations, and engaging in prohibited transactions with the Taliban of Afghanistan. 2002 The U.N. Security Council unanimously adopted sanctions against Osama bin Laden, his terror network and the remnants of the Taliban. The sanctions required that all nations impose arms embargoes and freeze their finances. 2018 Do smiled. |
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