Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, April 1 ______________________________________________________ Today, April 1 in 1991 The Warsaw Pact was officially dissolved. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Family walks in on man sexually battering 6-year-old. ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. --- Margaret Mead (1901 - 1978) You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public. --- Scott Adams (1957 - ) _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Terrelle Cole Jr., 25, New Port Richey, Florida Family walks in on man sexually battering 6-year-old. A New Port Richey man is behind bars after officers say a family member walked in on a man sexually battering their 6-year-old daughter. According to police Terrelle Cole Jr., 25, was sexually battering the child until a family member walked in causing Cole to flee the scene. New Port Richey police say a statewide lookout was issued for Cole due to information of him potentially leaving the state. Cole was later located by the Pasco County Sheriff's Office driving near the Suncoast Parkway and State Road 52. Cole was charged with Sexual Battery on a Victim Under the Age Of 12. From: Elvira Re: How do I switch from Windos to Linux? Dear DearWebby I am going to switch the entire office to Linux. We had to get all new machines and they are all W10. W10 is ridiculous and everything takes a lot longer to get done. How do we go about the switch to Linux? Elvira Dear Elvira You can get "Linux on a stick", that you plug into a USB port. It works OK, especially if you use Open Office or Office Libre. It is considerably faster than Windows. Find a local penguin (Linux user), who is willing to do some consulting and question answering while you switch over. Ideally, of course, would be an existing employee, preferably the one, who recommended Linux. Linux is not more difficult, just different. It is like changing from small gasoline engines to big Diesel engines. That is why almost 100% of servers run on Linux. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 31, Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.' ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Flashlights that Don't Require Batteries Keep a flashlight in your house that doesn't require batteries. You can buy flashlights that can be charged by winding them up or shaking them. If you run out of batteries, you won't be left in the dark if there is a power outage. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | Stunning Early Entries of the 2019 Sony World Photography Awards |
___________________________________________________ >From Louise No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double- checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the seat with much elan and style, and accidentally kicked her right in the chin. ___________________________________________________ >From Jean Jose and Carlos are panhandlers... They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says,... "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'." Jose says "No wonder you only get 2-3 dollars". Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"? Jose shows Carlos his sign...it reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico". ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!" ___________________________________________________ | Today April 1 in 0527 Justinianus became the emperor of Byzantium. 1572 The Sea Beggars under Guillaume de la Marck landed in Holland and captured the small town of Briel. 1621 The Plymouth, MA, colonists created the first treaty with Native Americans. 1748 The ruins of Pompeii were found. 1778 Oliver Pollock, a New Orleans businessman, created the "$" symbol. 1793 In Japan, the volcano Unsen erupted killing about 53,000. 1826 Samuel Mory patented the internal combustion engine. 1853 Cincinnati became the first U.S. city to pay fire fighters a regular salary. 1864 The first travel accident policy was issued to James Batterson by the Travelers Insurance Company. 1865 At the Battle of Five Forks in Petersburg, VA, Gen. Robert E. Lee began his final offensive. 1867 Blacks voted in the municipal election in Tuscumbia, AL. 1867 The International Exhibition opened in Paris. 1867 Singapore, Penang & Malakka became British crown colonies. 1873 The British White Star steamship Atlantic sank off Nova Scotia killing 547. 1881 Anti-Jewish riots took place in Jerusalem. 1889 The first dishwashing machine was marketed (in Chicago). 1891 The London-Paris telephone connection opened. 1891 The William Wrigley Jr. Company was founded in Chicago, IL. The company is most known for its Juicy Fruit gum. 1905 The British East African Protectorate became the colony of Kenya. 1905 Paris and Berlin were linked by telephone. 1918 England's Royal Flying Corps was replaced by the Royal Air Force. 1924 Adolf Hitler was sentenced to five years in prison for high treason in relation to the "Beer Hall Putsch." 1927 The first automatic record changer was introduced by His Master's Voice. 1928 China's Chiang Kai-shek began attacking communists. 1929 Louie Marx introduced the Yo-Yo. 1930 Leo Hartnett of the Chicago Cubs broke the altitude record for a catch by catching a baseball dropped from the Goodyear blimp 800 feet over Los Angeles, CA. 1931 An Earthquake devastated Managua Nicaragua killing 2,000. 1931 Jackie Mitchell became the first female in professional baseball when she signed with the Chattanooga Baseball Club. 1933 Nazi Germany began the persecution of Jews by boycotting Jewish businesses. 1935 The first radio tube to be made of metal was announced. 1937 Aden became a British colony. 1938 The first commercially successful fluorescent lamps were introduced. 1939 The U.S. recognized the Franco government in Spain at end of Spanish civil war. 1945 U.S. forces invaded Okinawa during World War II. It was the last campaign of World War II. 1946 Weight Watchers was formed. 1946 A tidal wave (tsunami) struck the Hawaiian Islands killing more than 170 people. 1948 The Berlin Airlift began. 1950 Italian Somalia became a United Nations trust territory under Italian administration. 1952 The Big Bang theory was proposed in "Physical Review" by Alpher, Bethe & Gamow. 1960 France exploded 2 atom bombs in the Sahara Desert. 1960 The U.S. launched TIROS-1. It was the first weather satellite. 1963 Workers of the International Typographical Union ended their strike that had closed nine New York City newspapers. The strike ended 114 days after it began on December 8, 1962. 1970 The U.S. Army charged Captain Ernest Medina in the My Lai massacre. 1970 U.S. President Nixon signed the bill, the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act, that banned cigarette advertisements to be effective on January 1, 1971. 1971 The United Kingdom lifted all restrictions on gold ownership. 1972 North Vietnamese and Viet Cong troops renewed their offensive in South Vietnam. 1973 Japan allowed its citizens to own gold. 1976 Apple Computer began operations. 1979 Iran was proclaimed to be an Islamic Republic by Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini after the fall of the Shah. 1982 The U.S. transferred the Canal Zone to Panama. 1985 World oil prices dropped below $10 a barrel. 1986 The U.S. submarine Nathaniel Green ran aground in the Irish Sea. 1987 Steve Newman became the first man to walk around the world. The walk was 22,000 miles and took 4 years. 1987 U.S. President Reagan told doctors in Philadelphia, "We've declared AIDS public health enemy No. 1." 1991 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that jurors could not be barred from serving due to their race. 1991 The Warsaw Pact was officially dissolved. 1992 Players began the first strike in the 75-year history of the National Hockey League (NHL). 1999 In Zhytomyr, Ukraine, Anatoliy Onoprienko was sentenced to death for the deaths of 52 men, women and children. 43 of the killings occurred in a 6-month period. 1999 The Canadian territory of Nunavut was created. It was carved from the eastern part of the Northwest Territories and coveres about 772,000 square miles. 2001 China began holding 24 crewmembers of a U.S. surveillance plane. The EP-3E U.S. Navy crew had made an emergency landing after an in-flight collision with a Chinese fighter jet. The Chinese pilot was missing and presumed dead. The U.S. crew was released on April 11, 2001. 2001 Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic was arrested on corruption charges after a 26-hour standoff with the police at his Belgrade villa. 2003 North Korea test-fired an anti-ship missile off its west coast. 2003 Jason Mewes was ordered to complete drug rehabilitation or face five years in jail stemming from a drug conviction in 1999. 2004 U.S. President George W. Bush signed the Unborn Victims of Violence Act. The bill made it a crime to harm a fetus during an assault on a pregnant woman. 2004 Gateway Inc. announced that it would be closing all of its 188 stores on April 9. 2009 Albania and Croatia joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 2010 The U.S. Congress cut Medicare reimbursements to physicians by 21%. 2019 Do smiled. |
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