Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, August 24, 2023 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead award Fort Lauderdale Detention Officer Arrested For Murder In Coral Springs ___________________________________________________ Q I don't really trust a sane person. --- Lyle Alzado (1949 - 1992) ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History: Today, Aug 24, in 079, Mount Vesuvius erupted killing approximately 20,000 people. The cities of Pompeii, Stabiae and Herculaneum were buried in volcanic ash. ___________________________________________________ >From Donald 01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C? 03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? 04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty. 05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims". 06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. 07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around? 08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator? 09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake! 10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. 11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it. 12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there. 14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects. 15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day. 16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient. 18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag. 19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. 20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff. 21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas 22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one. 23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. 24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. 25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. 26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now. 27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest. __________________________________________________ Keith-Rieland Mesa-Az __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Abe was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for a bargain'. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $3 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail. A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered." "What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is getting worse all the time." "It's really a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately." ______________________________________________ A man approaches a beautiful woman, and says, "Want a little company?" And the woman says, "Why? Do you have one to sell?" ____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." _____________________________________________________ The man said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. "She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you," the man's lawyer suggested. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ "In Mesa, AZ, police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running an amphetamine lab from a retirement home. The staff became suspicious when several of the residents were seen staying up after 7:30 pm." ___________________________________________________ >From Carol Chocolate is a Vegetable ------------------------ Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? __________________________________________________ From: Victoria RE: Is Open office really free? Dear Webby, Is Open Office (or Office Liblre) really free, or is that just a sleazy 30 day teaser, and then comes the big bill? Thanks Victoria Dear Victoria Open Office and Office Libre are really and honestly free. No catch. They are written and maintained by volunteers, who deserve MAJOR halos when they move up to the clouds. You are welcome to donate to their expenses, but they don't nag you. Just seeing Millions of people using and enjoying their programs is about all they can count on. What I find really remarkable is that you can pick up files, that have been written with Excel or WORD, work on them, and save them back in the original Microsoft format. Some teachers and professors insist on that because they have received incentives (bribes) from sales people. No problem. You can do your work in Open Office or Office Libre, and save it in whatever format the bribed crooks demand. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Male Kestrel ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Chase Harder, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA Fort Lauderdale Detention Officer Arrested For Murder In Coral Springs Coral Springs Police arrest Chase Harder, a Fort Lauderdale Police Detention Officer, for the shooting death of someone in Coral Springs on Tuesday evening. Coral Springs Police responded to a shots fired call near the 9200 block of Ramblewood Drive at 8:26 PM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023. First responding officers found a deceased victim who had multiple gunshot wounds. Detectives learned that just after the shooting, a witness saw a white man, later identified as Chase Harder, carrying a child over his shoulder and fleeing the scene, following the shooting. Harder was said to have then left the scene in a white Mercedes SUV. Investigators were able to get the license plate of the SUV, likely from a nearby traffic camera, and identified Harder as a suspect. Investigators with the Coral Springs Police Department say that Harder dropped the child off at the childs biological fathers home before then turning himself in to Police custody. Detectives say Harder admitted to the shooting. Harder was arrested and charged with one count of Premeditated Murder and one count of Written Threats to Kill or Do Bodily Injury. Fort Lauderdale Police Department tells Boca Post that Harder was hired as a Detention Officer in 2022. Fort Lauderdale PD released the following statement, regarding the incident: __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today August 24, in 0079, Mount Vesuvius erupted killing approximately 20,000 people. The cities of Pompeii, Stabiae and Herculaneum were buried in volcanic ash. 0410, The Visigoths overran Rome. This event symbolized the fall of the Western Roman Empire. 1456, The printing of the Gutenberg Bible was completed. 1572, The Catholics began their slaughter of the French Protestants in Paris. The killings claimed about 70,000 people. 1814, Washington, DC, was invaded by Canadians in the British forces. They set fire to the Executive mansion and the Capitol. The executive mansion was charred and had to be whitewashed. That is how it acquired the name "The White House" 1869, A patent for the waffle iron was received by Cornelius Swarthout. 1891, Thomas Edison applied patents for the kinetoscope and kinetograph 1912, A four-pound limit was set for parcels sent through the U.S. Post Office mail system. 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark, NJ, took about 19 hours. 1949, The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) went into effect. The agreement was that an attack against one of the parties would be considered "an attack against them all." 1954, The Communist Party was virtually outlawed in the U.S. when the Communist Control Act went into effect. 1959, Three days after Hawaiian statehood, Hiram L. Fong was sworn in as the first Chinese-American U.S. senator while Daniel K. Inouye was sworn in as the first Japanese-American U.S. representative. 1963, John Pennel pole-vaulted 17 feet and 3/4 inches becoming the first to break the 17-foot barrier. 1968, France became the 5th thermonuclear power when they exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1985, 27 anti-apartheid leaders were arrested in South Africa as racial violence rocked the country. 1986, Frontier Airlines shut down. Thousands of people were left stranded. 1989, "Total war" was declared by Columbian drug lords on their government. 1989, The U.S. space probe, Voyager 2, sent back photographs of Neptune. 1990, Iraqi troops surrounded foreign missions in Kuwait. 1991, Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the head of the Communist Party. 1992, China and South Korea established diplomatic relations. 1995, Microsoft's "Windows 95" went on sale. 1998, U.S. officials cited a soil sample as part of the evidence that a Sudan plant was producing precursors to the VX nerve gas. That made it a target for U.S. missiles on August 20, 1998. 1998, A donation of 24 beads was made, from three parties, to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse Memorial. The beads are said to be those that were used in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians. 2001, In McAllen, TX, Bridgestone/Firestone agreed to settle out of court and pay a reported $7.5 million to a family in a rollover accident in their Ford Explorer. 2001, The remains of nine American servicemen killed in the Korean War were returned to the U.S. The bodies were found about 60 miles north of Pyongyang. It was estimated that it would be a year before the identies of the soldiers would be known. 2001, U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly was randomly picked to take over the Microsoft monopoly case. The judge was to decide how Microsoft should be punished for illegally trying to squelch its competitors. 2001, NASA announced that operation of the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite would end by September 30th due to budget restrictions. Though the satellite is best known for monitoring a hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica, it was designed to provide information about the upper atmosphere by measuring its winds, temperatures, chemistry and energy received from the sun. That was the end of the Ozone hoax. 2006, The planet Pluto was reclassified as a "dwarf planet" by the International Astronomical Union (IAU). Pluto's status was changed due to the IAU's new rules for an object qualifying as a planet. Pluto met two of the three rules because it orbits the sun and is large enough to assume a nearly round shape. However, since Pluto has an oblong orbit and overlaps the orbit of Neptune it disqualified Pluto as a planet. 2023, Do smiled.
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