Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, February 18 ___________________________________________________ Today, February 18 in 1685 Robert Cavelier, Sieur de LaSalle established Fort St. Louis at Matagorda Bay, and thus formed the basis for France's claim to Texas. ______________________________________________________ The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. --- Vic Gold ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Jury Convicts Naked Nanny __________________________________________ The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage. Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party. The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month... unless they're single. The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready. __________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for sending me this picture: __________________________________________ o "What I Want in a Man (age 22)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)" "What I Want in a Man (age 22)" 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)" 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)" 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends 11. Interested in romance 2-3 times a week "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)" 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends 11. Hope for a kiss each day "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)" 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend 11. Remembers what romance was like "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)" 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet Well, Ladies, except for the shaving nonsense, I could meet your "42" criteria. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kansas sex offender sentenced to 50 years for child porn Daniel Eric Merida El Dorado, Kansas A registered child sex offender from El Dorado has been sentenced to 50 years in federal prison for child exploitation crimes. U.S. Attorney Stephen McAllister said Daniel Eric Merida previously pleaded guilty to two counts of possessing child pornography and one count each of producing child pornography, distributing child pornography, transporting child pornography and sending obscene material to a minor. In his plea, Merida admitted using the internet to contact a 12-year-old girl beginning in 2012. He used the internet to sexually exploit the victim, sending her obscene material and child pornography. During a search in March 2018, Merida was found in possession of additional child pornography. After his arrest in November 2018, a second search revealed he had used online storage to transport more child pornography, and he was in possession of more child pornography on his phone. McAllister commended Homeland Security Investigations, the Wichita Police Department, the Kansas Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the Elizabeth Township Police Department and Assistant U.S. Attorney Jason Hart for their work on the case. The KBI's Public Offender Registry shows Merida was convicted in Colorado in 2014 of felony internet sexual exploitation of a child. He also has convictions in Sedgwick County, Kansas of attempted aggravated battery and child endangerment. Those crimes happened in 2006. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Victor Re: Launchy Dear Webby That launchy is fantastic! I know you have mentioned it at least once a year for decades, but I always thought it would be a tedious program to learn. Well, now I tried it. Tedious is not in it's book. I installed it, hit ALT SpaceBar, and it opened. It took a while to catalog the computer, almost a minute, but I expected more than that. So I was pleasantly surprised! Typed FIR, and Firefox opened. No need to move stuff around to uncover the icon. I LOVE it! Thanks DearWebby! Victor Dear Victor You are most welcome! Just don't tell your wife about the alternate skins. It would be like a Black Friday sale at Walmart. You might not get your machine back for a week! Have FUN! DearWebby | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ >From Connie Home Mechanic's Tools... and their usage.... HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought. METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. _____________________________________________ If a man from Michigan is a Michigander, why isn't a woman a Michigoose? ____________________________________________ Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today February 18 in 1564 The artist Michelanglelo died in Rome. 1685 Robert Cavelier, Sieur de LaSalle established Fort St. Louis at Matagorda Bay, and thus formed the basis for France's claim to Texas. 1841 The first continuous filibuster in the U.S. Senate began. It lasted until March 11th. 1861 In Montgomery, AL, Jefferson Davis was inaugurated as the President of the Confederate States. 1885 Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time. 1913 The famous French painting "Nude Descending a Staircase", by the French artist, Marcel Duchamp, was displayed at an "Armory Show" in New York City. 1930 Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow to fly in an airplane. 1930 The planet Pluto was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh. The discovery was made as a result of photographs taken in January 1930. 1932 Sonja Henie won her 6th world womens figure skating title in Montreal, Canada. 1952 Greece and Turkey became members of NATO. 1953 "Bwana Devil" opened. It was the first three- dimensional feature. 1953 Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz signed a contract worth $8,000,000 to continue the "I Love Lucy" TV show through 1955. 1970 The Chicago Seven defendants were found innocent of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention. 1972 The California Supreme Court struck down the state's death penalty. 1977 The space shuttle Enterprise went on its maiden "flight" sitting on top of a Boeing 747. 1987 The executives of the Girl Scout movement decided to change the color of the scout uniform from the traditional Girl Scout green to the newer Girl Scout blue. 1998 In Russia, money shortages resulted in the shutting down of three plants that produced nuclear weapons. 1998 In Nevada, two white separatists were arrested and accused of plotting a bacterial attack on subways in New York City. 2000 The U.S. Commerce Department reported a deficit in trade goods and services of $271.3 billion for 1999. It was the largest calender-year trade gap in U.S. history. 2001 NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Sr., was killed in a crash during the Daytona 500 race. 2001 FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was arrested and accused of spying for Russia for more than 15 years. He later pleaded guilty and was sentenced to life in prison without parole. 2003 In South Korea, at least 120 people were killed when a man lit a fire on a subway train. 2006 American Shani Davis won the men's 1,000-meter speedskating in Turin. He was the first black athlete to win an individual gold medal in Winter Olympic history. 2020 Do smiled. |
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