Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, March 15 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Armed crook arrested after 6-hour long stand-off in downtown Fresno ___________________________________________________ Today, March 15 in 1989 - The U.S. Food and Drug administration decided to impound all fruit imported from Chili after two cyanide- tainted grapes were found in Philadelphia, PA. ____________________________________________________ On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. --- Tom Lehrer (1928 - ) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. --- Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974) Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. --- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) ____________________________________________________ >From Connie O "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." ____________________________________________________ Phrases NOT in an Arkansas' Vocabulary! 30.Oh I just couldn't; Hell, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. We don't keep firearms in this house. 24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? 23. You can't feed that to the dog. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than expresso. 17.Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 16. I thought Graceland was tacky. 15.No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 14. Honey, we don't need another dog. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 11. Wrestling's fake. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. The tires on that truck are too big. 8. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side. 7. What nice body this Merlot has. 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 3. You All. 2. Checkmate. 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight. ____________________________________________________ Ali Danny Nanga Parbat Mountain Gilgit Baltistan Pakistan ___________________________________________________ A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?" __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Robert Canel, 62, Fresno, California, USA Armed crook arrested after 6-hour long stand-off in downtown Fresno Fresno police have arrested an armed man after negotiating with him for more than 6 hours in downtown Fresno on Monday. Authorities identified the suspect as Robert Canel on Tuesday morning. Canel had been outside the Union Bank in the area since late afternoon, holding a short-barrel rifle, forcing nearby businesses to be evacuated. Police say around 4PM, a security officer at the bank reported a man outside the doors with what appeared to be a short barrel rifle. Officers say when they arrived at the location at Kern and F St, they also noticed what could be an explosive device. Fresno police have arrested an armed man after negotiating with him for more than 6 hours in downtown Fresno on Monday. Authorities identified the suspect as Robert Canel on Tuesday morning. Canel had been outside the Union Bank in the area since late afternoon, holding a short-barrel rifle, forcing nearby businesses to be evacuated. Police say around 4PM, a security officer at the bank reported a man outside the doors with what appeared to be a short barrel rifle. Officers say when they arrived at the location at Kern and F St, they also noticed what could be an explosive device. "It appears to be a canister almost similar to an oxygen tank. It's at his feet that he was at times pointing the weapon at," says Lt. Rob Beckwith. The department's bomb squad was deployed along with a robotic device- on deck to help de-escalate the incident. Police say Canel's intent still isn't clear. He never made his way inside the bank. Employees and patrons were escorted out safely. Until well into Monday night, police negotiators pleaded with the man to put the gun down. They said he had not pointed his weapon at anyone or acted aggressively. In fact, he appeared to be unresponsive. At Central Fish Co., several Union Bank employees and customers waited out the standoff after they were evacuated safely. Morgan Doizaki owns the market on Kern and G St. That's where he was when police responded down the street from his business this afternoon. "I didn't think it was going to last this long," he says. Robert Canel wil receive a free psychiatric evaluation and medical care. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Walter Re: Line spacing in Open Office Dear Webby I have a question about how to set the line spacing in Open Office and went to their help site; they referred me to the "Context Menu." Where do I find that "Context Menu" or better yet as the preeminent man of knowledge and right answers can you tell me how to adjust the line spacing in Open Office. My sincerest thanks as always! Be well, live long, prosper, and Carpe Diem, Walter Dear Walter You have to be IN OO Writer. Select the text you want to work with, then open the Format menu and choose "Paragraph." You can change the space before the selected paragraph, after the selected paragraph or between the selected lines to 1 inch using the options under the Indents & Spacing tab. Click "OK" to confirm your settings. 1 inch is just an example. You can, of course, set any dimension. Have FUN! DearWebby An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife". Replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her." Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore." ____________________________________________ Thanks to Bea for this one: For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I car pooled to get our children to soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know." ____________________________________________ Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds! ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ Today, March 15 in 44 BC - Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated by high ranking Roman Senators. The day is known as the "Ides of March." 1341 - During the Hundred Years War, an alliance was signed between Roman Emperor Louis IV and France's Philip VI. 1493 - Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his first New World voyage. 1778 - In command of two frigates, the Frenchman la Perouse sailed east from Botany Bay for the last lap of his voyage around the world. 1781 - During the American Revolution, the Battle of Guilford Courthouse took place in North Carolina. British General Cornwallis' 1,900 soldiers defeated an American force of 4,400. 1862 - General John Hunt Morgan began four days of raids near the city of Gallatin, TN. 1864 - Red River Campaign began as the Union forces reach Alexandria, LA. 1875 - The Roman Catholic Archbishop of New York, John McCloskey, was named the first American cardinal. 1877 - The first cricket test between Australia and England was played in Melbourne. Australia won by 45 runs. 1892 - New York State unveiled the new automatic ballot voting machine. 1892 - Jesse W. Reno patented the Reno Inclined Elevator. It was the first escalator. 1902 - In Boston, MA, 10,000 freight handlers went back to work after a weeklong strike. 1903 - The British conquest of Nigeria was completed. 500,000 square miles were now controlled by the U.K. 1904 - Three hundred Russians were killed as the Japanese shelled Port Arthur in Korea. 1907 - In Finland, woman won their first seats in the Finnish Parliament. They took their seats on May 23. 1913 - U.S. President Woodrow Wilson held the first open presidential news conference. 1916 - U.S. President Woodrow Wilson sent 12,000 troops, under General Pershing, over the border of Mexico to pursue bandit Pancho Villa. The mission failed. 1917 - Russian Czar Nicholas II abdicated himself and his son. His brother Grand Duke succeeded as czar. 1922 - Fuad I assumed the title of king of Egypt after the country gained nominal independence from Britain. 1934 - Henry Ford restored the $5 a day wage. 1935 - Joseph Goebbels, German Minister of Propaganda banned four Berlin newspapers. 1937 - In Chicago, IL, the first blood bank to preserve blood for transfusion by refrigeration was established at the Cook County Hospital. 1938 - Oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia. 1939 - German forces occupied Bohemia and Moravia, and part of Czechoslovakia. 1944 - Cassino, Italy, was destroyed by Allied bombing. 1946 - British Premier Attlee offered India full independence after agreement on a constitution. 1949 - Clothes rationing in Great Britain ended nearly four years after the end of World War II. 1951 - General de Lattre demanded that Paris send him more troops for the fight in Vietnam. 1951 - The Persian parliament voted to nationalize the oil industry. 1955 - The U.S. Air Force unveiled a self-guided missile. 1956 - The musical "My Fair Lady" opened on Broadway. 1960 - Ten nations met in Geneva to discuss disarmament. 1960 - The first underwater park was established as Key Largo Coral Reef Preserve. 1964 - In Montreal, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor were married. 1968 - The U.S. mint halted the practice of buying and selling gold. 1979 - Pope John Paul II published his first encyclical "Redemptor Hominis." In the work he warned of the growing gap between the rich and poor. 1982 - Nicaragua's ruling junta proclaimed a month-long state of siege and suspended the nation's constitution for one day. This came a day after anti-government rebels destroyed two bridges near the Honduran border. 1985 - In Brazil, two decades of military rule came to an end with the installation of a civilian government. 1989 - The U.S. Food and Drug administration decided to impound all fruit imported from Chili after two cyanide- tainted grapes were found in Philadelphia, PA. 1990 - In Iraq, British journalist Farzad Bazoft was hanged for spying. 1990 - Mikhail Gorbachev was elected the first executive president of the Soviet Union. 1990 - The Ford Explorer was introduced to the public. 1990 - The Soviet parliament ruled that Lithuania's declaration of independence was invalid and that Soviet law was still in force in the Baltic republic. 1991 - Four Los Angeles police officers were indicted in the beating of Rodney King on March 3, 1991. 1991 - Yugoslav President Borisav Jovic resigned after about a week of anit-communist protests. 1994 - U.S. President Clinton extended the moratorium on nuclear testing until September of 1995. 1996 - The aviation firm Fokker NV collapsed. 1998 - More than 15,000 ethnic Albanians marched in Yugoslavia to demand independence for Kosovo. 1998 - CBS' "60 Minutes" aired an interview with former White House employee Kathleen Willey. Wiley said U.S. President Clinton made unwelcome sexual advances toward her in the Oval Office in 1993. 2002 - Libyan Abdel Baset Ali Mohmed Al-Megrahi began his life sentence in a Scottish jail for his role in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 on December 21, 1988. 2002 - In the U.S., Burger King began selling a veggie burger. The event was billed as the first veggie burger to be sold nationally by a fast food chain. 2002 - In Texas, Andrea Yates received a life sentence for drowning her five children on June 20, 2001. 2002 - U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell told the Associated Press that the U.S. would stand by a 24-year pledge not to use nuclear arms against states that don't have them. 2004 - Clive Woodall's novel "One for Sorrow: Two for Joy" was published. Two days later Woodall sold the film rights to Walt Disney Co. for $1 million. 2021 Do smiled.
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