Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, July 25 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 25, in 1943, Italian Fascist dictator Benito Mussolini was overthrown in a coup. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Las Vegas police seek additional victims of sex assault suspect. __________________________________________________ I didn't really say everything I said. --- Yogi Berra (1925 - 2015) _________________________________________________ One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" asks his wife. "He said he had slept with every woman in the apartment complex except one!" "Hmmmmm", replies his wife. "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor." __________________________________________________ For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose," the husband responded, "we could clean the house." ___________________________________________________ A man was showing his friend a new set of matching golf clubs he had just bought. "Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs." "What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked. The man said, "A new matching bicycle and lawn mower." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Carlos Nava, 46, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA Las Vegas police seek additional victims of sex assault suspect The Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department is seeking additional victims of a man arrested for sexual assault. Police arrested Carlos Nava, 46, on Thursday. He faces charges of sexual assault, robbery, and kidnapping. Police say on July 10, Nava assaulted and robbed a woman near Tropicana and Decatur. Police say he left that scene in a white Ford truck. He was arrested Thursday after officers found Nava in the same vehicle near the area where the attack happened. Police believe there may be more victims of Nava. If you have any information, you are asked to call police. You can also call Crime Stoppers to stay anonymous. _____________________________________________________ The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us." _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Olla RE: Lock top row in Calc Dear Webby Once upon a time, long long ago, when I was young and beautiful, you told us how to lock the top ttle row in Calc spreadsheets. I am still beauttiful, but not young anymore, and with my galloping senility almost as bad as Joe Who's, I forgot. Can you please tell us again? Olla Dear Olla In Open Office Calc and Libre Office Calc they call it FREEZE, not lock as in Excel. Put the cursor into a cell below the row, that you want to Freeze, anc click on VIEW, R (Freeze Rows and Columns) That's it. The trick is to NOT click on cell A1 but on A2 or B2. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man who handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." ___________________________________________________ A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in that group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!" ____________________________________________________ >From dad: "This one bloomed today." The colorful vase in the background is from our first visit to the restaurant and gift shop in Monument Valley, Utah. If you are in that area, definitely visit there. Right from the restaurant you have a fantastic view of some of the huge monuments. Occasionally we went through there when there was a 20 foot visibility sand storm, but the steak sandwiches were still excellent. ___________________________________________________ Amanpreet was at the county fair when he happened upon a fortune teller's tent. Thinking, "What the heck, it'll be good for a laugh or two," he dashed inside and sat down. The fortune teller took his money, lowered the lights, and gazed into her crystal ball. "Ahhh," she said, "I see you are the father of two children!" "Ha!" Armandpreet said, "That's what you think. I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ It was "sharing time" in a kindergarten full of bright children. The teacher was presiding over a discussion about the children's parents. One child said, "Well, my mother's a Catholic and my father's Jewish." "Oh, wow!" said another. "So what do you believe?" "I believe in everything," said the first child. "What do you mean 'everything'?" asked another child. "Well, you know," said the first child, "Jesus Christ, Moses, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Snow White, everything." _____________________________________________________ First Flight ____________________________________________________ HOW TO PLEASE YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT [A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company, twenty times. One of them is bound to work. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 25, in 0326, Constantine refused to carry out the traditional pagan sacrifices. 1394, Charles VI of France issued a decree for the general expulsion of Jews from France. 1564, Maximillian II became emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. 1587, Japanese strong-man Hideyoshi banned Christianity in Japan and ordered all Christians to leave. 1593, France's King Henry IV converted from Protestantism to Roman Catholicism. 1759, British forces defeated a French army at Fort Niagara in Canada. 1799, Napoleon Bonaparte defeated the Ottomans at Aboukir, Egypt. 1805, Aaron Burr visited New Orleans with plans to establish a new country, with New Orleans as the capital city. 1845, China granted Belgium equal trading rights with Britain, France and the United States. 1850, Gold was discovered in the Rogue River in OR. 1854, The paper collar was patented by Walter Hunt. 1861, The Crittenden Resolution, which called for the American Civil War to be fought to preserve the Union and not for slavery, was passed by the U.S. Congress. 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army. He was the first American officer to hold the rank. 1871, Seth Wheeler patented perforated wrapping paper. 1907, Korea became a protectorate of Japan. 1909, French aviator Louis Bleriot flew across the English Channel in a monoplane. He traveled from Calais to Dover in 37 minutes. He was the first man to fly across the channel. 1914, Russia declared that it would act to protect Serbian sovereignty. 1924, Greece announced the deportation of 50,000 Armenians. 1939, W2XBS TV in New York City presented the first musical comedy seen on TV. The show was "Topsy and Eva." 1941, The U.S. government froze all Japanese and Chinese assets. 1943, Italian Fascist dictator Benito Mussolini was overthrown in a coup. 1946, The U.S. detonated an atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll in the Pacific. It was the first underwater test of the device. 1947, Fortune Gordien of Oslo, Norway set a world record discus throw of 178.47 feet. 1952, Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the U.S. 1978, Louise Joy Brown, the first test-tube baby, was born in Oldham, England. She had been conceived through in-vitro fertilization. 1984, Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. She was aboard the orbiting space station Salyut 7. 1994, Israel and Jordan formally ended the state of war that had existed between them since 1948. 1998, The USS Harry S. Truman was commissioned and put into service by the U.S. Navy. 1999, Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. He was only the second American to win the race. 2010, WikiLeaks leaked to the public more than 90,000 internal reports involving the U.S.-led War in Afghanistan from 2004-2010. 2016, Verizon Communications agreed to purchase Yahoo!'s operating business for $4.83 billion with the intention to merge it with AOL. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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