Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, March 20 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: CA burglar stops to watch adult movie, gets beat up and held for cops. Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, March 20 in 1792 In Paris, the Legislative Assembly approved the use of the guillotine. 1854 The Republican Party was organized in Ripon, WI. About 50 slavery opponents began the new political group. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Literature is news that stays news. --- Ezra Pound (1885 - 1972) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ One day down by a river, a Baptist preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river. The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk replied: "Schure, I'll give it a try!" The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk said no. The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk again said no. The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk said, "Are you schure thisch isch where he fell in?" ______________________________________________________ At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." she said. Then, returning to reality, she added, "But... if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant flirting at the waitress -- don't wait any longer." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Kenneth G. Libbrecht This is a real snow crystal: a single crystal of ice, in which the water molecules are all lined up in a regular crystalline lattice from tip to tip. You can see that the sidebranches are parallel to their neighboring main branches; this indicates the presence of crystal symmetry. If you are interested in snow crystals, go to http://www.snowcrystals.com/ Personally, I am ready for flowers. Due to lack of gullible warming, we still have lots of snow. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Three men died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the pearly gates and told the men that they would would each receive a car to drive. The only draw back was that they did not get to pick out the car they wanted, it was determined on how well they behaved on earth. St. Peter asked the first guy if he had ever cheated on his wife and he said, "Yes, I'm afraid I did one time." St. Peter told him that he would get a mid-size car to drive in heaven since he had cheated on his wife. St.Peter asked the second guy if he had cheated on his wife. "Yes, I'm afraid that I did twice during the time we were married," replied the second man.St. Peter told him that he would receive a compact car to drive in heaven. The third man was asked the same question and he replied, "No I am happy to report that I was happily married and never cheated on my wife!" St. Peter congratulated him and gave him a luxury car to drive in heaven. One day the first two men saw the man in the luxury car crying at a stop light and asked him why he was crying. After all he had gotten a luxury car. He replied, "I just saw my wife go by, and she was on ONE roller skate!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Alan Estrada, 28, Los Angeles, California CA burglar stops to watch adult movie, gets beat up and held for cops. A male thief who broke into a Los Angeles home business stopped to watch porn, security footage has shown. The robber also took some time out to smoke and charge his phone. Store owners Lisa and Steve Mirizzi told KTLA he appeared to have snuck into the vent on Monday night. The couple first noticed the man, identified as 28-year-old Alan Estrada, roaming around their apartment at night before confronting him. Lisa described walking downstairs to make some tea only to find Estrada watching porn on the computer and masturbating. Screaming when she saw him, her son and husband then ran down stairs and chased the intruder. Estrada originally tried to escape through one door only to find it was padlocked and when he dashed for another one, son Giovanni got a hold of him. After he 'decked him, picked him up and body-slammed him' police were called to the scene and arrested Estrada. The intruder is said to have taken cash and credit cards from the shop, according to police. The stolen goods have since been returned. Tech Support Pits From: Hilary Re: Locked files Dear Webby I have a new computer and the files from the old computer have been copied over but I cannot open them - you have just made a suggestion about that one. However I keep getting messages from Yahoo Broadband to say it has a problem with Microsoft and to tell Microsoft about it!! Best wishes from England, it is still mild over here. Hilary Dear Hilary Right-click c:\ (Local Drive) in the File Explorer and take the checkmark off the READ ONLY option. It's -20 here right now and the Ice-Age freaks lord it over the Global Warming freaks. Have FU!N DearWebby Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. This guy was walking on the beach and found what looked like a genie bottle so he rubbed it and sure enough out came a genie. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes." The man thought for a while and said, "O.K. for my first wish I want a Red Lambourgini." and poof there on the beach was a brand new red Lambourgini. "for my second wish I want 3 milloin dollars." and poof three million dollars apeared on the seat in the Lambourgini. He said "Now for my third wish make me irresistable to women." and poof, the genie turned him into a box of chocolates. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. "Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Allan." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saucer Decoupage Picture Frame If you any have saucers without a cup, you can cut a family picture to fit in the center of the saucer. Glue the picture to the saucer and decorate around the picture. Let it dry and then give it a coating of decoupage. Let that dry and apply a second coating. Slip it in a decoupage box, decorated by you, and add a pretty bow. - Gladys Hill Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ A business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' "And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!" | Best entries so far for the 2018 Sony World Photography Awards. |
___________________________________________________ Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: "This is the Gate of Heaven." Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: "Use Other Entrance" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, March 20 in 0141 The 6th recorded perihelion passage of Halley's Comet took place. 1413 Henry V took the throne of England upon the death of his father Henry IV. 1525 Paris' parliament began its pursuit of Protestants. 1616 Walter Raleigh was released from Tower of London to seek gold in Guyana. 1627 France & Spain signed an accord for fighting Protestantism. 1739 In India, Nadir Shah of Persia occupied Delhi and took possession of the Peacock throne. 1760 The great fire of Boston destroyed 349 buildings. 1792 In Paris, the Legislative Assembly approved the use of the guillotine. 1800 French army defeated the Turks at Helipolis, Turkey, and advanced into Cairo. 1815 Napoleon Bonaparte entered Paris after his escape from Elba and began his "Hundred Days" rule. 1816 The U.S. Supreme Court affirmed its right to review state court decisions. 1852 Harriet Beecher Stowe's book "Uncle Tom's Cabin," subtitled "Life Among the Lowly," was first published. 1854 The Republican Party was organized in Ripon, WI. About 50 slavery opponents began the new political group. 1865 A plan by John Wilkes Booth to abduct U.S. President Abraham Lincoln was ruined when Lincoln changed his plans and did not appear at the Soldier's Home near Washington, DC. 1868 Jesse James Gang robbed a bank in Russelville, KY, of $14,000. 1885 John Matzeliger of Suriname patented the shoe lacing machine. 1886 The first AC power plant in the U.S. began commercial operation. 1891 The first computing scale company was incorporated in Dayton, OH. 1896 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua to protect U.S. citizens in the wake of a revolution. 1897 The first U.S. orthodox Jewish Rabbinical seminary was incorporated in New York. 1897 The first intercollegiate basketball game that used five players per team was held. The contest was Yale versus Pennsylvania. Yale won by a score of 32-10. 1899 At Sing Sing prison, Martha M. Place became the first woman to be executed in the electric chair. She was put to death for the murder of her stepdaughter. 1900 It was announced that European powers had agreed to keep China's doors open to trade. 1902 France and Russia acknowledged the Anglo-Japanese alliance. They also asserted their right to protect their interests in China and Korea. 1906 In Russia, army officers mutiny at Sevastopol. 1911 The National Squash Tennis Association was formed in New York City. 1914 The first international figure skating championship was held in New Haven, CT. 1915 The French called off the Champagne offensive on the Western Front. 1918 The Bolsheviks of the Soviet Union asked for American aid to rebuild their army. 1922 U.S. President Warren G. Harding ordered U.S. troops back from the Rhineland. 1922 The USS Langley was commissioned. It was the first aircraft carrier for the U.S. Navy. 1932 The German dirigible, Graf Zepplin, made the first flight to South America on regular schedule. 1933 The first German concentration camp was completed at Dachau. 1934 Rudolf Kuhnold gave a demonstration of radar in Kiel Germany. 1940 The British Royal Air Force conducted an all-night air raid on the Nazi airbase at Sylt, Germany. 1943 The Allies attacked Field Marshall Erwin Rommel's forces on the Mareth Line in North Africa. 1947 A blue whale weighing 180-metric tons was caught in the South Atlantic. 1952 The U.S. Senate ratified a peace treaty with Japan. 1956 Mount Bezymianny on Kamchatka Peninsula (USSR) exploded. 1956 Tunisia gained independence from France. 1964 The ESRO (European Space Research Organization) was established. 1969 U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy called on the U.S. to close all bases in Taiwan, a really dumb move. 1976 Patricia Hearst was convicted of armed robbery for her role in the hold up of a San Francisco Bank. 1980 The U.S. made an appeal to the International Court concerning the American Hostages in Iran. 1981 Argentine ex-president Isabel Peron was sentenced to eight years in a convent. 1982 U.S. scientists' returned from Antarctica with the first land mammal fossils found there. 1984 The U.S. Senate rejected an amendment to permit spoken prayer in public schools. 1985 For the first time in its 99-year history, Avon representatives received a salary. Up to that time they had been paid solely on commissions. 1985 Libby Riddles won the 1,135-mile Anchorage-to-Nome dog race becoming the first woman to win the Iditarod. 1989 In Belfast, two policemen were killed. The IRA claimed responsibility. 1990 Namibia became an independent nation ending 75 years of South African rule. 1990 Imelda Marcos, widow of ex-Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, went on trial for racketeering, embezzlement and bribery. 1990 In Rumania, tanks were sent to the town of Tirgu Mures to quell ethnic riots. 1991 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled unanimously that employers could not exclude women from jobs where exposure to toxic chemicals could potentially damage a fetus. 1991 The U.S. forgave $2 billion in loans to Poland. 1992 Janice Pennington was awarded $1.3 million for accident on the set of the "Price is Right" TV show. 1993 Russian President Boris Yeltsin declared emergency rule. He set a referendum on whether the people trusted him or the hard- line Congress to govern. 1993 An Irish Republican Army bomb was detonated in Warrington, England. A 3-year-old boy and a 12-year-old boy were killed. 1995 About 35,000 Turkish troops crossed the northern border of Iraq in pursuit of the separatist rebels of the Kurdistan Workers Party (PKK). 1995 In Tokyo, 12 people were killed and more than 5,500 others were sickened when packages containing the nerve gas Sarin was released on five separate subway trains. The terrorists belonged to a doomsday cult in Japan. 1996 The U.K. announced that humans could catch CJD (Mad Cow Disease). 1997 Liggett Group, the maker of Chesterfield cigarettes, settled 22 state lawsuits by admitting the industry marketed cigarettes to teenagers and agreed to warn on every pack that smoking is addictive. 1998 India's new Hindu nationalist-led government pledges to "exercise the option to induct nuclear weapons." 1999 Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones became the first men to circumnavigate the Earth in a hot air balloon. The non-stop trip began on March 3 and covered 26,500 miles. 1999 Legoland California opened Carlsbad, California. 2000 Former Black Panther Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin, once known as H. Rap Brown, was captured following a shootout that left a sherriff's deputy dead. 2002 Actress Pamela Anderson disclosed that she had hepatitis C. 2002 Arthur Andersen pled innocent to charges that it had shredded documents and deleted computer files related to the energy company Enron. 2003 Cisco Systems Inc. announced it was buying The Linksys Group INc. for $500 million in stock. 2003 U.S. and British forces invaded Iraq from Kuwait. 2018 Do smiled. |
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