Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, May 31 ___________________________________________________ Today, May 31 in 1977 The trans-Alaska oil pipeline was finished after 3 years of construction. Still works just fine. ______________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Wichita police arrest man for kidnapping, rape of runaway ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
_____________________________________________________ It has always been the prerogative of children and half- wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor. --- Neil Gaiman _____________________________________________________ A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles." __________________________________________ Yellow Collared Lovebirds __________________________________________ A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" "The same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered. ---------- Rotweilers let burglars enter, but will keep a leg if he tries to leave. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Gerardo Aguero-Hernandez, 26, Wichita, Kansas Wichita police arrest man for kidnapping, rape of runaway girl Wichita police have arrested a 26-year-old man accused of kidnapping and raping a runaway child. Jail records show Gerardo Aguero-Hernandez was booked Thursday morning for rape, aggravated kidnapping and aggravated battery. An arrest report states the victim is under the age of 14. Officers responded at around 12:50 a.m. last Friday to a rape report in the 1800 block of West Pine Avenue. They contact a girl who ran to that location to report to someone that she had been sexual assaulted. WPD spokesperson Charley Davidson said the girl had run away from a local foster home the day before. She was walking along North Broadway when Aguero-Hernandez offered to give her a ride. "She accepted, but instead of being taken to the agreed- upon location, Aguero-Hernandez drove her to an area near Arthur B. Sim Park," Davidson said. "While in the vehicle, Aguero-Hernandez sexually assaulted and battered the juvenile." The girl was able to escape and contacted someone who called 911. Aguero-Hernandez was arrested Thursday morning at a home in the 2400 block of North Woodland. He remained in the Sedgwick County Jail on $200,000 bond Friday morning. DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Re: Dear Webby, Dear Have FUN! DearWebby
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____________________________________________________ | | Making Friends With An Owl |
_____________________________________________ >From Mona Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. _____________________________________________ >From Bill When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest." "How long have you been married?" I asked. "Ten years," she replied. _____________________________________________ The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?" Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush. ____________________________________________ The Quarantine Song Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I think, I'm not under what they call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm not drunk as thinkle peep, I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy Fool so feelish, don't know why Rally don't know who's me yet The drunker I stay the longer I get So just one more to full my cup, I've all day sober to Sunday up. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today May 31 in 1433 Sigismund was crowned emperor of Rome. 1859 In London, Big Ben went into operation. 1870 E.J. DeSemdt patented asphalt. 1884 Dr. John Harvey Kellogg patented "flaked cereal." 1889 In Johnstown, PA, more than 2,200 people died after the South Fork Dam collapsed. 1900 U.S. troops arrived in Peking to help put down the Boxer Rebellion. 1902 The Boer War ended between the Boers of South Africa and Great Britain with the Treaty of Vereeniging. 1907 The first taxis arrived in New York City. They were the first in the United States. 1909 The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) held its first conference. 1910 The Union of South Africa was founded. 1915 A German zeppelin made an air raid on London. 1927 Ford Motor Company produced the last "Tin Lizzie" in order to begin production of the Model A. 1929 In Beverly, MA, the first U.S. born reindeer were born. 1947 Communists seized control of Hungary. 1961 South Africa became an independent republic. 1962 Adolf Eichmann was hanged in Israel. Eichmann was a Gestapo official and was executed for his actions in the Nazi Holocaust. 1970 An earthquake in Peru killed tens of thousands of people. 1974 Israel and Syria signed an agreement on the Golan Heights. 1977 The trans-Alaska oil pipeline was finished after 3 years of construction. 1979 Zimbabwe proclaimed its independence. 1994 The U.S. announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union. 1995 Bob Dole singled out Time Warner for "the marketing of evil" in movies and music. Dole later admitted that he had not seen or heard much of what he had been criticizing. 2003 In North Carolina, Eric Robert Rudolph was captured. He had been on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list for five years for several bombings including the 1996 Olympic bombing. 2020 Do smiled. |
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