| Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, July 2 Thank you, Micki! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 2, in 1982, Larry Walters ("Lawnchair Larry") took flight in his homeade airship that consisted of a lawnchair with 45 helium-filled weather balloons attached to it. He stayed in flight for about an hour. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Calif. drunk sunk her car in the town swimming pool __________________________________________________ The big thieves hang the little ones. --- Czech Proverb I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) __________________________________________________ Morris a devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences on uncle Mendel's dairy farm Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The Jewish cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, with great joy..."It's a miracle!" "Not Really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." __________________________________________________ A philosophy professor, widely noted as being more than casually eccentric, gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was seated and ready, when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One student, however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how this person could have received the highest grade when he had barely written anything. They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Estefania Martinez-Olea in jail, Sanger, California USA Calif. drunk sunk her car in the town swimming pool A car sank right to the bottom of a pool at the Sanger Community Center and one person was arrested. According to Sanger Fire, a vehicle went into the pool on 7th Street and Recreation Avenue Wednesday evening. Officials say there were people swimming in the pool at the time of the crash and all were able to get out of harms way. Only one person, however, reported minor injuries. Following the investigation, police say they arrested Estefania Martinez-Olea for suspicion of driving under the influence. Officials also say that she was arrested roughly three years ago for DUI. In an update Thursday afternoon, Sanger Public Works Director, John Mulligan, said the pool was just recoated about six weeks ago and that cost $90,000. He also mentioned that the pool was in the best shape it has been in years prior to the incident. Now, Mulligan says the pool will have to be drained, which will take place following the holiday weekend, and will have to be refilled and re-inspected. As of right now, Mulligan mentioned that the pool wont be open to the public for roughly two weeks. ___________________________________________________ Please note that a 3-year-old teacher is needed for pre- school. Experience preferred. There have been some complaints about children running in the corridor between the education annex and the sanctuary. Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior. Everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding of Brad and Melody. They are having a "country style" wedding. Everyone is invited to join them as they exchange cows in the church courtyard June 17th. I want to remind the choir and all sinners to be at the park by 4:30 p.m. for warm up and sound checks. The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order. We are especially thankful that when Sister Dora was At Death's Door, The Lord and her Doctors Pulled her through. ___________________________________________________ A Yankee and a Scot were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotish mountains. The Scot, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the Yankee, exclaimed: "There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country!" "Oh I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why, in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out the window and call out, 'Time to get up; wake up!' and eight hours later the echo comes back and wakes me." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 19. I love you anyway. ____________________________________________________  ___________________________________________________ Today, in 1943 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that schoolchildren could not be made to salute the U.S. flag if doing so conflicted with their religious beliefs. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies. --- P. G. Wodehouse (1881 - 1975) _____________________________________________________ A philosophy professor, widely noted as being more than casually eccentric, gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was seated and ready, when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One student, however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how this person could have received the highest grade when he had barely written anything. They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" __________________________________________ Please note that a 3-year-old teacher is needed for pre- school. Experience preferred. There have been some complaints about children running in the corridor between the education annex and the sanctuary. Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior. Everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding of Brad and Melody. They are having a "country style" wedding. Everyone is invited to join them as they exchange cows in the church courtyard June 17th. I want to remind the choir and all sinners to be at the park by 4:30 p.m. for warm up and sound checks. The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order. We are especially thankful that when Sister Dora was At Death's Door, The Lord and her Doctors Pulled her through. ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Moe Re: Combo Keys shortcuts Dear Webby, How about a recap of the hidden keys, the combo keys? Moe Dear Moe Most important combo is CTRL F4 If a site is a nuisance or attacks you, hit CTRL F4 and that tab closes. Some scammers block that combo, in that case hit ALT F4. That shuts down the browser. Go get ssome coffee. By the time you are back, you can usually restart the browser and restore the tabs. Close the tab that had led you into trouble. That brings me to the next combo: CTRL W Once you have identified the tab that led you into trouble, DON'T CLICK IT! Just highlight it and hit CTRL W and it has gone to hell. Also very important is CTRL SHIFT T If your spouse wants you to come to bed NOW and shuts down your browser, and you open it again later, it should ask you if you want to restore your previously open 57 tabs. Well, sometimes it opens multiple browser windows and you close too many of them without clicking RESTORE. Don't worry. They have not gone to hell. Just hit CTRL SHIFT T, twice if necessary, and sit back. It will restore all your tabs. You can also use CTRL SHIFT T to re-open a just closed tab. To get to the URL line, CTRL L To see the history and find that forgotten URL: CTRL H To Refresh a page: Ctrl R In Facebook, the J and the K keys scroll you down or up a page. If the spouse or boss is approaching, hitting the space bar "accidentally" instantly scrolls you down a page. Once the coast is clear, hit SHIFT and Spacebar to jump back up. Bookmark a page: CTRL D I haave no idea why they chose D for that, but that goes back to the good old days of Netscape. Another mystery key is CTRL K. It jumps to the search box If you want to go to the first tab: CTRL 1 Second tab: CTRL 2, and so on. Zoom in without mousing: CTRL +. Zoom OUT: CTRL - add .com to a URL: CTRL ENTER That goes back to the days when .com was the only choice. OK, that is enough for now. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________ A Yankee and a Scot were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotish mountains. The Scot, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the Yankee, exclaimed: "There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country!" "Oh I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why, in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out the window and call out, 'Time to get up; wake up!' and eight hours later the echo comes back and wakes me." _____________________________________________ 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 19. Your friends love you anyway. _____________________________________________ A postman calls on a regular customer and is surprised to find hanging in her lounge a large white sheet with a hole in the middle of it. "What's that in aid of?" he inquired. "Well," the housewife blushed, "we had a big party here last night and after midnight things got a bit silly. In this game", she said, taking the sheet down, "a man would put his equipment through the hole, then the women came in and tried to identify the owner of the equipment. It was a scream!" "I'll bet it was," remarked the mailman, "wish I'd been there." "You should have been," she said, "your name came up three times." ____________________________________________ An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock. "What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!" The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel and all kinds of troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money. The Jews control the banks. The Jews control the press. The Jews control Hollywood. It's all good news!" ___________________________________________________  ____________________________________________________ A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world." "Port, on the other hand, makes me fart." ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Moe Re: Combo Keys shortcuts Dear Webby! How about a recap of the hidden keys, the combo keys? Moe Dear Moe Most important combo is CTRL F4 If a site is a nuisance or attacks you, hit CTRL F4 and that tab closes. Some scammers block that combo, in that case hit ALT F4. That shuts down the browser. Go get ssome coffee. By the time you are back, you can usually restart the browser and restore the tabs. Close the tab that had led you into trouble. That brings me to the next combo: CTRL W Once you have identified the tab that led you into trouble, DON'T CLICK IT! Just highlight it and hit CTRL W and it has gone to hell. Also very important is CTRL SHIFT T If your spouse wants you to come to bed NOW and shuts down your browser, and you open it again later, it should ask you if you want to restore your previously open 57 tabs. Well, sometimes it opens multiple browser windows and you close too many of them without clicking RESTORE. Don't worry. They have not gone to hell. Just hit CTRL SHIFT T, twice if necessary, and sit back. It will restore all your tabs. You can also use CTRL SHIFT T to re-open a just closed tab. To get to the URL line, CTRL L To see the history and find that forgotten URL: CTRL H To Refresh a page: Ctrl R In Facebook, the J and the K keys scroll you down or up a page. If the spouse or boss is approaching, hitting the space bar "accidentally" instantly scrolls you down a page. Once the coast is clear, hit SHIFT and Spacebar to jump back up. Bookmark a page: CTRL D I haave no idea why they chose D for that, but that goes back to the good old days of Netscape. Another mystery key is CTRL K. It jumps to the search box If you want to go to the first tab: CTRL 1 Second tab: CTRL 2, and so on. Zoom in without mousing: CTRL +. Zoom OUT: CTRL - add .com to a URL: CTRL ENTER That goes back to the days when .com was the only choice. OK, that is enough for now. Print these and nail them up on the wall! Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ Groan Alert! Johnny's mother told him that he had been a very naughty boy and, as punishment, she decided to omit his favorite vegetable from his dinner. That evening he sat down at the table and moaned: "I've only got beans, carrots and potatoes. Where are... His mother interrupted him. "You know what they say, Johnny: no peas for the wicked." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ >From Len Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes? A - Almost Boobs B - Barely there C - Can Do D - Damn good DD - Double Dang Good E - Enormous F - Fake _____________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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________________________________________________ A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up." "What happened?" he asked. "Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck." "Go on". the friend said. "Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes." "So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked. "Did you ever *goose* a tiger?" _______________________________________________ Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it was your own." _______________________________________________  Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Today, July 2, in 1298, An army under Albert of Austria defeated and killed Adolf of Nassau near Worms, Germany. 1625, The Spanish army took Breda, Spain, after nearly a year of siege. 1644, Lord Cromwell crushed the Royalists at the Battle of Marston Moor near York, England. 1747, Marshall Saxe led the French forces to victory over an Anglo-Dutch force under the Duke of Cumberland at the Battle of Lauffeld. 1776, Richard Henry Lees resolution that the American colonies "are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States" was adopted by the Continental Congress. 1850, Prussia agreed to pull out of Schlewig and Holstein, Germany. 1850, Benjamin Lane patented a gas mask with a breathing apparatus. (Patent US7476 A) 1857, New York Citys first elevated railroad officially opened for business. 1858, Czar Alexander II freed the serfs working on imperial lands. 1881, Charles J. Guiteau fatally wounded U.S. President James A. Garfield in Washington, DC. 1890, The U.S. Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1926, The U.S. Congress established the Army Air Corps. 1937, American aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart disappeared in the Central Pacific during an attempt to fly around the world at the equator. 1939, At Mount Rushmore, Theodore Roosevelt's face was dedicated. 1944, American bombers, as part of Operation Gardening, dropped land mines, leaflets and bombs on German-occupied Budapest. 1947, An object crashed near Roswell, NM. The U.S. Army Air Force insisted it was a weather balloon, but eyewitness accounts led to speculation that it might have been an alien spacecraft. Others claim that Broom Hilda was born 9 months later. 1962, Wal-Mart Discount City opened in Rogers, Arkansas. It was the first Walmart store. 1964, U.S. President Johnson signed the "Civil Rights Act of 1964" into law. The act made it illegal in the U.S. to discriminate against others because of their race. 1967, The U.S. Marine Corps launched Operation Buffalo in response to the North Vietnamese Army's efforts to seize the Marine base at Con Thien. 1976, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1976, North Vietnam and South Vietnam were reunited. 1980, U.S. President Jimmy Carter reinstated draft registration for males 18 years of age. 1981, Soyuz T-6 returned to Earth. 1982, Larry Walters ("Lawnchair Larry") took flight in his homeade airship that consisted of a lawnchair with 45 helium-filled weather balloons attached to it. He stayed in flight for about an hour. 1985, General Motors announced that it was installing electronic road maps as an option in some of its higher- priced cars. 1995, "Forbes" magazine reported that Microsoft's chairman, Bill Gates, was the worth $12.9 billion, making him the world's richest man. 1998, Cable News Network (CNN) retracted a story that alleged that U.S. commandos had used nerve gas to kill American defectors during the Vietnam War. 2000, In Mexico, Vicente Fox Quesada of the National Action Party (PAN) defeated Francisco Labastida Ochoa of the Institutional Revolutionary Party (PRI) in the presidential election. The PRI had controlled the presidency in Mexico since the party was founded in 1929. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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