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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, November 14, in 1889. New York World reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) began an attempt to surpass the fictitious journey of Jules Verne's Phileas Fogg by traveling around the world in less than 80 days. Bly succeeded by finishing the journey the following January in 72 days, 6 hours and 11 minutes. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award goes to Aurora man charged with murder in beating death _____________________________________________________ Q When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right. --- Albert Guinon (1863 - 1923) There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience. --- Anatole Broyard The phrase "action speaks louder than words," is most easily proven by a swift kick to the genitals. --- Devin J. Monroe (1983 - ) ____________________________________________________ No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock: An International Bonehead Award has been earned by Edgar R. Lara-Giro, 33, Aurora, Illinois, USA Aurora man charged with murder in beating death An Aurora man is being charged with murder in the beating death of another man in Aurora in the 700 block of Grove Street earlier this month. The Kane County State's Attorney alleges that 33-year-old Edgar R. Lara-Giron beat 68-year- old Isidro Nevarez in the head with a blunt object, killing him on October 14th or 15th. Prosecutors also allege that Lara-Giron then stole Nevarez's pickup truck and credit cards and used them at several locations. Lara-Giron is being held in the Kane County Jail in St. Charles where his bond is set at $2 million. ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Church Bulletin Board Bloopers: Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. *If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. *Feb 25: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. *Women's Luncheon: Potluck Lunch. Polly Phillips will give the medication. *If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. *We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. *Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." *Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. *Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. *The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. *The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board. *As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. *Fifth Sinday is Lent. *Thank you dead friends. *Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. *Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. *Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. *For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. *Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. *The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working... *Volunteers are needed to spit up food. *Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties." ____________________________________________________ ARE YOU IN CONTROL? Prove for yourself, whether you are in control of your right foot. It's worth a try... This is too funny! It works!! While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction..... Counter-clockwise... ================================================= DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:God Re: A Conversation Between Moses and God Dear Webby "Excuse me, sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, sir." "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh, yeah. I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!" "Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me." "You mean the commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they were important." "What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, sir. I forgot." "Well, My Son always saves, Moses." "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. " "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did." "What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that." "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think that is spamming, Moses." "Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what he did say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?" "They're called viruses, Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them." "We'll do it the new way, Moses." "I was afraid you would say that, sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.' "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?" God Dear Do Watch out for those stone tablets! Have FUN DearWebby _____________________________________________________ A man came into a pet shop carrying a parrot in a bird cage. "I want to return this bird," he said. The owner sighed at the prospect of facing yet another this- bird-won't-talk complaint. "Sir," he said, "we guarantee that all our parrots CAN talk. However, we can't guarantee when they WILL talk. It's all spelled out on your sales receipt." "No, no, you don't understand," the customer said. "The bird talks. I just don't like his attitude." Puzzled, the store owner said, "You're right. I don't understand. Explain it to me." "I bought the bird a week ago," the customer said. "Every morning, I'd stand in front of his cage and ask 'Can you talk?' I did the same thing every evening. For six days, I got no response. Then, this morning, I shouted at the bird, 'CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID BIRD? CAN YOU TALK?'" The customer glared at the parrot. The owner asked, "So, what happened?" "That bird looked at me," the customer said, "and said, 'I can talk a lot better than you can fly'." _____________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News no sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________ Today, November 14, in 1832. The first streetcar went into operation in New York City, NY. The vehicle was horse-drawn and had room for 30 people. 1851. Herman Melville's novel "Moby Dick" was first published in the U.S. 1881. Charles J. Guiteau's trial began for the assassination of U.S. President Garfield. Guiteau was convicted and hanged the following year. 1889. New York World reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) began an attempt to surpass the fictitious journey of Jules Verne's Phileas Fogg by traveling around the world in less than 80 days. Bly succeeded by finishing the journey the following January in 72 days, 6 hours and 11 minutes. 1922. The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) began domestic radio service. 1935. U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed the Philippine Islands a free commonwealth after its new constitution was approved. The Tydings-McDuffie Act planned for the Phillipines to be completely independent by July 4, 1946. 1940. During World War II, German war planes destroyed most of the English town of Coventry when about 500 Luftwaffe bombers attacked. 1951. The first telecast of a world lightweight title fight was seen coast to coast. Jimmy Carter beat Art Aragon in Los Angeles. 1956. The USSR crushed the Hungarian uprising with thousands of tanks. 1968. Yale University announced it was going co- educational. 1969. Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon from Cape Kennedy, FL. 1969. During the Vietnam War, Major General Bruno Arthur Hochmuth, commander of the Third Marine Division, became the first general to be killed in Vietnam by enemy fire. 1972. The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 (1,003.16) level for the first time. 1972. Blue Ribbon Sports became Nike. 1973. Britain's Princess Anne married a commoner, Capt. Mark Phillips, in Westminster Abbey. They divorced in 1992, and Princess Anne re-married. 1979. U.S. President Carter froze all Iranian assets in the United States and U.S. banks abroad in response to the taking of 63 American hostages at the U.S. embassy in Tehran, Iran. 1983. The British government announced that U.S.-made cruise missiles had arrived at the Greenham Common air base amid protests. 1989. The U.S. Navy ordered an unprecedented 48-hour stand- down in the wake of a recent string of serious accidents. 1991. After 13 years in exile Cambodian Prince Norodom Sihanouk returned to his homeland. 1994. U.S. experts visited North Korea's main nuclear complex for the first time under an accord that opened such sites to outside inspections. 1995. The U.S. government instituted a partial shutdown, closing national parks and museums while most government offices operated with skeleton crews. 2022 Do smiled. Bouganvillea Tree
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