Good Morning, Do, Today is Sunday, December 17 Thanks, Bonnie! Chanukah begins Tues. night, Dec. 12, 2017 and continues through Wednesday, December 20, 2017. Chanukah is the Jewish eight-day, wintertime festival of lights, celebrated with a nightly menorah lighting, special prayers and fried foods. Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Mom placed 6-year-old in a chair to hold parking space while she shopped Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, December 17 in 1903 The first successful gasoline-powered airplane flight took place near Kitty Hawk, NC. Orville and Wilbur Wright made the flight. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? --- Sigmund Freud A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --- Milton Berle The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. --- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at. --- Carlos A. Urbizo Type fast and get even! --- DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Lets start with a classic: PURINA DIET I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a bus hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he roared with laughter staggering to the door and fresh air. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday." Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two- dollar bills safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you left." ______________________________________________________ Amazon sells gourmet catfood! ____________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch. A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Elda Solis, 47, Marathon, Florida Mom placed 6-year-old in a chair to hold parking space while she shopped Elda Solis, 47, was charged with child neglect Thursday for allegedly leaving a 6-year-old child guarding her parking spot at her housing complex, the Eastwind Apartments at 240 Sombrero Beach Road in Marathon, while she went to Publix across the street. The youth was sitting in a chair in the parking space. The incident took place around 10 p.m. Dec. 7. According to Monroe County Sheriff's Office, the agency received information about the incident the following day. When they confronted Solis, she admitted it was true, agency spokeswoman Becky Herrin said. When investigators interviewed the child, she said, the child said it was not the first time Solis had her hold her parking spot. Detectives obtained a warrant for the woman's arrest and she was taken to jail Thursday. ----------- In Chicago they now have a bylaw agaist placing couches or other large furniture to save your just shovelled parking spot, while you go get your car after you finish shoveling. However, an inflatable escort with an AR-15 is currently still legal. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: frtbr57326... Re: Not getting responses Dear Webby, I make web pages, but when I write to businesses if they want any, I never get any reply, and then they get pages made by somebody else.I just seem to remind them to go find somebody. Why is that? Dear FartBrain I can see why you would be sending potential customers to your competitors. 1) You are writing with a silly alias that is about as confidence and trust inspiring as a ski mask in a bank. Get yourself a domain like the real businesses, and base your address on that. 2) You blurt like a heckler or ill-mannered kid. Learn to write emails like the grown-ups. Greet whoever you are writing to by name. 3) You run away like a midnight vandal. Sign off properly! Except for other AOLers, very few people will write to you, if they have to invent a name for you. 4) Graduate from AOL ! Even though some AOLers claim that they have made money marketing to other AOLers, very few have any success trying to sell anything to people on the real Internet. You have too many other AOLers giving you a bad name. You might as well be using a jail address or admit that you are using FrontPage. No money in that. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. The Miracle Toddler Diet People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Anni showed up at the photo shop with an old picture of a former beau wearing a hat, She wanted to know if the photographer could retouch the photo and remove the hat from the picture. - He convinced Anni, that it could easily be accomplished, and asked her what side of his head did the man in the picture part his hair on. - Thinking hard for a moment, Anni said, "I forget, but you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Children Someone I know, that's a single mom, has her kids color coordinated. Each kid has picked their favorite color and they have their own bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with. She said this helps her out a whole lot. Maybe this could help you out, too. By Terri H. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com font> ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this story: A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese-making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats who had been put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours." | | The art of well dressing. |
While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women talking in the the aisle I was going down. "Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is a litle more expensive." "Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied. As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading their shopping carts with high priced cat food. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, December 17, in 1777 To annoy England, France recognized American independence from England. 1791 A traffic regulation in New York City established the first street to go "One Way." 1830 South American patriot Simon Bolivar died in Colombia. 1895 George L. Brownell received a patent for his paper- twine machine. 1903 The first successful gasoline-powered airplane flight took place near Kitty Hawk, NC. Orville and Wilbur Wright made the flight. 1939 The German pocket battleship Graf Spee was scuttled by its crew, bringing the World War II Battle of the Rio de la Plata off Uruguay to an end. 1944 The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of excluding Japanese-Americans from the West Coast which ensured that Japanese-Americans were released from detention camps. 1953 The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) decided to approve RCA's color television specifications. 1957 The United States successfully test-fired the Atlas intercontinental ballistic missile for the first time. 1959 The film "On the Beach" premiered in New York City and in 17 other cities. It was the first motion picture to debut simultaneously in major cities around the world. 1969 The U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind thousands of UFO sightings. 1973 Thirty-one people were killed at Rome airport when Arab guerillas hijacked a German airliner. 1975 Lynette Fromme was sentenced to life in prison for her attempt on the life of U.S. President Ford. 1976 WTCG-TV, Atlanta, GA, changed its call letters to WTBS, and was uplinked via satellite. The station became the first commercial TV station to cover the entire U.S. 1978 OPEC decided to raise oil prices by 14.5% by the end of 1979. 1979 Arthur McDuffie, a black insurance executive, was fatally beaten after a police chase in Miami, FL. Four white police officers were later acquitted of charges stemming from McDuffie's death. 1986 Wayne "Danke Schoen" Newton won a $19.2 million suit against NBC News. NBC had aired reports claiming a link between Newton and mob figures. The reports were proven to be false. 1986 Davina Thompson became the world's first recipient of a heart, lungs, and liver transplant. 1986 Eugene Hasefus was pardoned and then released by Nicaragua. He had been convicted of running guns to the Contras. 1992 U.S. President George H.W. Bush, Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and Mexican President Carlos Salinas de Gortari signed the North American Free Trade Agreement. 1992 Israel deported over 400 Palestinians to Lebanese territory in an unprecedented mass expulsion of suspected militants. 1996 Peruvian guerrillas took hundreds of people hostage at the Japanese embassy in Lima. The siege ended on April 22, 1997, with a commando raid that resulted in the deaths of all the rebels, two commandos and one hostage. 1996 The Red Cross pulled all but a few of its western staff out of Chechnya after six foreign aid workers were killed by masked gunmen. 1997 U.S. President Clinton signed the No Electronic Theft Act. The act removed protection from individuals who claimed that they took no direct financial gains from stealing copyrighted works and downloading them from the Internet. 1998 U.S. House Speaker-designate Bob Livingston admitted he'd had extramarital affairs. 2002 U.S. President George W. Bush ordered the Pentagon to have ready for use within two years a system for protecting American territory, troops and allies from ballistic missile attacks. 2002 McDonald's Corp. warned that they would report its first quarterly loss in its 47-year history. 2002 The insurance and finance company Conseco Inc. filed for Chapter 11 protection. It was the third-largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. 2002 Congo's government, opposition parties and rebels signed a peace agreement that ended four years of civil war. 2004 U.S. President George W. Bush signed into law the largest overhaul of U.S. intelligence gathering in 50 years. The bill aimed to tighten borders and aviation security. It also created a federal counterterrorism center and a new intelligence director. 2017 Do smiled. |
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