Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, March 29 Thank you, Nancy!! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Botched McDonalds Order Prompted Assault and robbery ___________________________________________________ Today, March 29 in 1995 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a constitutional amendment that would have limited terms to 12 years in the U.S. House and Senate. ____________________________________________________ Only the mediocre are always at their best. --- Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944) ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Lisa for this list of new drugs for women: NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .. Can we get naked now?. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him for four hours. ____________________________________________________ Remember how airlines used to ask you to be at the airport one hour before departure? Now, to avoid delays, they want you to drive to your destination. ____________________________________________________ Listening to the mice under the snow ___________________________________________________ The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "Mom, I know about the bedroom stuff !", the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna." __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Mohamed Aboubaker, 39, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA Botched McDonalds Order Prompted Assault and robbery Angered that the mother of his son got him a Quarter Pounder instead of a Big Mac from McDonalds, a Minnesota man allegedly argued with the woman before throwing her to the ground and then swiping money from the victims purse, police charge. Responding to a flurry of 911 calls about a disturbance Sunday night at a residence in Mankato, a cop was told by the victim that she was assaulted by Mohamed Aboubaker, a Minneapolis resident with a lengthy rap sheet. According to a criminal complaint, the 39-year-old Aboubaker was visiting for the last few days with the victim (the pair are parents to a three-year-old boy). The woman told police that Aboubaker was upset because she got him a quarter pounder instead of a big mac from McDonalds. An argument ensued and Aboubaker allegedly threw her to the ground against the dresser. The woman said that her son was in the room and was screaming while this occurred. The victim said that after Aboubaker (pictured above) went into the kitchen and removed money from her purse, she confronted him and sprayed him with a can of Mace (which actually was hornet spray). Aboubaker fled the home, but was subsequently apprehended and charged with a pair of misdemeanor domestic assault counts. Aboubakers rap sheet includes convictions for aggravated robbery; receiving stolen property; domestic assault; disorderly conduct, driving with a suspended license; marijuana possession; and providing a false name to law enforcement. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Wanda Re: Open Office Excel Dear Webby Does Open Office have an equivalent of Excel? Wanda Dear Wanda Yes, sure. It is called CALC. When switching to it, you might have to hit HELP occasionally to find out what the same command is in CALC. The same applies if you are switching from Calc to Excel. Both have complete sets of commands and tricks, just sometimes use different names. With CALC you can switch to Excel style command set and even save files as .xls or .sxls. The difference nowadays is mostly religious. Both do the same. Have FUN! DearWebby An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter and began asking a passenger the required security questions. "Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry aboard the airplane today?" "No," said the woman. "Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired, pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag. "Yes," she answered. "Has your bag been under your control since you've been in the airport?" "Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh. "The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way, or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Isaac bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. His friend Morris said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "Yes, that she did," he replied. "But where in the world I was gonna find a fake Jeep?" ____________________________________________ Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi- truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and roaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. "Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" ____________________________________________ "Next Valentines Day, let's give each other sensible gifts, like ties and fur coats." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today, March 29 in 1461 Edward IV secured his claim to the English throne by defeating Henry VIs Lancastrians at the battle of Towdon. 1638 First permanent European settlement in Delaware was established. 1847 U.S. troops under General Winfield Scott took possession of the Mexican stronghold at Vera Cruz. 1848 Niagara Falls stopped flowing for one day due to an ice jam. 1867 The British Parliament passed the North America Act to create the Dominion of Canada. 1901 The first federal elections were held in Australia. 1903 A regular news service began between New York and London on Marconi's wireless. 1906 In the U.S., 500,000 coal miners walked off the job seeking higher wages. 1913 The Reichstag announced a raise in taxes in order to finance the new military budget. 1916 The Italians call off the fifth attack on Isonzo. 1936 Italy firebombed the Ethiopian city of Harar. 1941 The British sank five Italian warships off the Peloponnesus coast in the Mediterranean. 1943 In the U.S. rationing of meat, butter and cheese began during World War II. 1946 Gold Coast became the first British colony to hold an African parliamentary majority. 1951 The Chinese reject MacArthur's offer for a truce in Korea. 1951 In the United States, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage. They were executed in June 19, 1953. 1962 Cuba opened the trial of the Bay of Pigs invaders. 1966 Leonid Brezhnev became the First Secretary of the Soviet Communist Party. He denounced the American policy in Vietnam and called it one of aggression. 1967 France launched its first nuclear submarine. 1971 Lt. William Calley Jr., of the U.S. Army, was found guilty of the premeditated murder of at least 22 Vietnamese civilians. He was sentenced to life imprisonment. The trial was the result of the My Lai massacre in Vietnam on March 16, 1968. 1971 A jury in Los Angeles recommended the death penalty for Charles Manson and three female followers for the 1969 Tate- La Bianca murders. The death sentences were later commuted to live in prison. 1973 The last U.S. troops left South Vietnam. 1974 Mariner 10, the U.S. space probe became the first spacecraft to reach the planet Mercury. It had been launched on November 3, 1973. 1974 Eight Ohio National Guardsmen were indicted on charges stemming from the shooting deaths of four students at Kent State University on May 4, 1970. All the guardsmen were later acquitted. 1975 Egyptian president Anwar Sadat declared that he would reopen the Suez Canal on June 5, 1975. 1979 The Committee on Assassinations Report issued by U.S. House of Representatives stated the assassination of President John F. Kennedy was the result of a conspiracy. 1983 Erno Rubik was granted a patent for his Magic Cube. (U.S. Patent 4,378,116) 1986 A court in Rome acquitted six men in a plot to kill the Pope. 1987 Hulk Hogan took 11 minutes, 43 seconds to pin Andre the Giant in front of 93,136 at Wrestlemania III fans at the Silverdome in Pontiac, MI. 1992 Democratic presidential front-runner Bill Clinton said "I didn't inhale and I didn't try it again" in reference to when he had experimented with marijuana. 1993 The South Korean government agreed to pay financial support to women who had been forced to have sex with Japanese troops during World War II. 1993 Clint Eastwood won his first Oscars. He won them for best film and best director for the film "Unforgiven." 1995 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a constitutional amendment that would have limited terms to 12 years in the U.S. House and Senate. 1999 At least 87 people died in an earthquake in India's Himalayan foothills. 2004 Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia became members of NATO. 2010 In Japan, the Tokyo Skytree tower became the tallest structure in Japan when it reached 1,109 feet. 2021 Do smiled. |
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