| Good Morning, Do! >From Jim Why dont you charge for your letter.like Ophelia. Im sure you would have no problem getting people to pony up and it would help your financial problems. Your are, hands down, the best news letter around. Jim Dear Jim Ophelia may soon give up. She is down to less than 70 paid up subscribers. Her fans love her, but none of them bring in THEIR friends. And today another one of them died. I won't be surprised when she gives up. Right now I get some voluntary donations now and then. I have a hunch, if I charge a fixed amount,most subscribers will run. I can just see it: "Ah likes the cuntent, but wif Bidenflation I cunt afford a Dollah a muntz fer a Noosletta". Would YOU pay? Please tell me! Ill CC this to the Humor Letter and decide depending on the response. Thank You, Jim! Today is Fiday, May 26 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 26 in 1977, George H. Willig was arrested after he scaled the South Tower of New York's World Trade Center. It took him 3 1/2 hours. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Stalker Attacks Woman In Boca Raton, Arrested _____________________________________________________ Q I'm a born-again atheist. --- Gore Vidal (1925 - ) If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. --- Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) -------- yeah, me too! ______________________________________________________ A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. _____________________________________________________ Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later, when the Scotch had slowed him down some. ______________________________________________________ With the end of Gullible Warming and the start of the next ice age, the polar bears are migrating South again. The people in Churchill, Manitoba claim you cant take a picture without at least one of them sneaking into it. Apparently tourists are feeding them and they are friendly, begging for treats. __________________________________________________ A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need an IDIOT sign; he probably figured it out himself while he drove his injured buddy to the hospital. _____________________________________________________ >From Ross One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week" The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop Next morning when the barber goes to open; there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business and becoming more successful". Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Rock Erick Diaz, Boca Raton, Florida, USA Stalker Attacks Woman In Boca Raton, Arrested Boca Raton Police responded to reports of a woman screaming and found a woman being attacked in her home. According to Boca Raton Police, officers responded to a Boca Raton apartment after neighbors called 9-1-1 to report hearing an audible alarm along with a woman screaming on Friday, April 28th, 2023. Police arrived at the front door of the apartment and could hear screaming from within. Officers attempted to make entry into the apartment through the front door but were unable due to it being locked. Officers then heard screaming and a female inside saying he has a knife.. Officers then broke the glass door and entered the unit. Officers entered the apartment, guns drawn, and observed the victim standing on the left side of her living room near the front door, and the offender, Erick Diaz, standing on the right side of the small living room near a laundry basket. At gunpoint, Diaz was ordered to get on the ground, and he complied. The victim told officers that she arrived home at her apartment at around 2330 hours. As she approached the door, she advised that she heard something and began to open her door slowly; at this point, she advised Diaz then charged at her from around a corner on the left side of her apartment, opened her door, and forced her into her home. While inside the home a verbal argument ensued, and Diaz began reaching for her phone. During the argument, Diaz pushed the victim to the floor and took the phone from her pocket telling her to unlock it. Once unlocked, he then began looking at her messages. With the victims phone in his hand, Diaz walked into the victims kitchen and retrieved a silver-handled knife with a silver blade. He then approached the victim, who was getting up from the ground and ordered her to turn the alarm off. After the victim attempted to turn the alarm off, she advised he pointed the knife at her and told her to go into the bedroom which is located at the rear of the apartment. Once in the bedroom, she sat at the edge of the bed facing the door. The male placed the knife down on a table near the bed and denied the victim access to her phone as she received a call from her alarm company as well as text messages. Diaz then attempted to remove her clothing, despite her repeatedly telling him to stop. She advised that Diaz pulled down her shirt and bra at the collar and began kissing her bare breasts. He then began to take off his own clothing. The victim advised that the male stopped what he was doing upon hearing officers at her front door. As Diaz began putting his pants back on, she explained that she attempted to run out of the bedroom. As she did so, Diaz picked up the knife causing her to retreat into a bedroom corner to the right of the bedroom door. Diaz approached her coming within inches of her but she was able to get away and enter into the living room where she attempted to open the front door for officers outside who were trying to make entry. She explained that once Diaz heard the sound of the rear slider being breached, he placed the knife into the laundry basket. Police say that Diaz, who appeared intoxicated, was observed as having no shirt on and his pants were on backward. Diaz refused to talk to the Police. ADVERTISEMENT Police also note that Diaz had two prior interactions with the victim the day before which were both documented by separate cases. In the first incident, he repeatedly knocked on her door in an attempt to speak with her. In the second incident, which occurred later in the same evening, Diaz arrived at the victims residence uninvited and was repeatedly asked to leave causing a verbal argument to ensue. On that day, Police informed Diaz that he should not return to the residence as it would be considered stalking as he does not live there nor does he have any legal rights to the property. Diaz was arrested and charged with the following: 787.01(1A2) ARMED KIDNAPPING 812.135(2B) HOME INVASION WITH WEAPON 784.021(1A) AGGRAVATED ASSAULT(DEADLY WEAPON) 784.048(3) STALKING CREDIBLE THREAT ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Audrey RE: PDF Program Dear Webby, Is Neil's PDF program really free? Can I use it to edit PDF docs before printing? Audrey Dear Audrey Yes, the pogram recommended by Neil is free, and you CAN indeed use it to fill out PDF forms. You can even merge multiple PDF forms and all kinds of stuff, that you have not even thought of. https://www.ilovepdf.com/ Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ >From Ross One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week" The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop Next morning when the barber goes to open; there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business and becoming more successful". Then a Liberal comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Liberal is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Liberals lined up waiting for a free haircut. _____________________________________________ In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols. On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution. "Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count." ____________________________________________ The Essential Guide to Women's English: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead] ___________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ A woman with 14 children,ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you,"the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago,"she replied. "If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?" "Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry." _________________________________________________ FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place: Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. ____________________________________________________ Today, May 26 in 0017, Germanicus of Rome celebrated his victory over the Germans. 1328, William of Ockham was forced to flee from Avignon by Pope John XXII. 1521, Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms because of his religious beliefs and writings. 1647, A new law banned Catholic priests from the colony of Massachusetts. The penalty was banishment or death for a second offense. 1660, King Charles II of England landed at Dover after being exiled for nine years. 1670, A treaty was signed in secret in Dover, England, between Charles II and Louis XIV ending the hostilities between them. 1691, Jacob Leiser, leader of the popular uprising in support of William and Marys accession to the English throne, was executed for treason. 1736, The British and Chickasaw Indians defeated the French at the Battle of Ackia. 1791, The French Assembly forced King Louis XVI to hand over the crown and state assets. 1805, Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned King of Italy in Milan Cathedral. 1831, Russians defeated the Poles at battle of Ostrolenska. 1835, A resolution was passed in the U.S. Congress stating that Congress has no authority over state slavery laws. 1836, The U.S. House of Representatives adopted what has been called the Gag Rule. 1864, The Territory of Montana was organized. 1865, Arrangements were made in New Orleans for the surrender of Confederate forces west of the Mississippi. 1868, U.S. President Andrew Johnson was acquitted, by one vote, of all charges in his impeachment trial. 1896, The Dow Jones Industrial Average appeared for the first time in the "Wall Street Journal." 1896, The last czar of Russia, Nicholas II, was crowned. 1908, In Persia, the first oil strike was made in the Middle East. 1926, In Morocco, rebel leader Abd el Krim surrendered. 1938, The House Committee on Un-American Activities began its work of searching for subversives in the United States. 1940, The evacuation of Allied troops from Dunkirk, France, began during World War II. 1946, A patent was filed in the United States for an H-bomb. 1946, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill signed a military pact with Russian leader Joseph Stalin. Stalin promised a "close collaboration after the war." 1948, The U.S. Congress passed Public Law 557 which permanently established the Civil Air Patrol as the Auxiliary of the new U.S. Air Force. 1956, The first trailer bank opened for business in Locust Grove, Long Island, NY. The 46-foot-long trailer took in $100,000 in deposits its first day. 1958, Union Square, San Francisco became a state historical landmark. 1959, The word "Frisbee" became a registered trademark of Wham-O. 1961, Civil rights activist group Freedom Ride Coordinating Committee was established in Atlanta, GA. 1961, A U.S. Air Force bomber flew across the Atlantic in a record time of just over three hours. 1969, The Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing. 1972, The Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty (SALT I) was signed by the U.S. and USSR. The short-term agreement put a freeze on the testing and deployment of intercontinental and submarine- launched ballistic missiles for a 5-year period. 1973, Kathy Schmidt set an American womens javelin record with a throw of 207 feet, 10 inches. 1975, American stuntman Evel Knievel suffered severe spinal injuries in Britain when he crashed while attempting to jump 13 buses in his car. 1977, George H. Willig was arrested after he scaled the South Tower of New York's World Trade Center. It took him 3 1/2 hours. 1978, The first legal casino in the Eastern U.S. opened in Atlantic City, NJ. 1987, Sri Lanka launched Operation Liberation. It was an offensive against the Tamil rebellion in Jaffra. 1988, The Edmonton Oilers won their fourth NHL Stanley Cup in five seasons. They swept the series 4 games to 0 against the Boston Bruins. 1994, U.S. President Clinton renewed trade privileges for China, and announced that his administration would no longer link China's trade status with its human rights record. 1998, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Ellis Island was mainly in New Jersey, not New York. 1998, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police officers in high-speed chases are liable for bystander injuries only if their "actions shock the conscience." 1998, The Grand Princess cruise ship made its inaugural cruise. The ship measured 109,000 tons and cost approximately $450 million, making it the largest and most expensive cruise ship ever built. 1998, The United States Senate approved legislation that allowed the U.S. Mint flexibility on how the mandatory inscriptions on the Washington quarter could be placed. H.R. 3301 allowed the mandatory inscriptions to be moved to the front of the quarter for the 50 States Circulating Commemorative Coin Program. 2023, Do smiled.
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