| Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, May 9 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, May 9 1955, West Germany joined NATO. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Minooka man sentenced for possessing child porn _____________________________________________________ Q Food is an important part of a balanced diet. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit. --- Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915) ___________________________________________________ A mother and her daughter were shopping in a mall one day when the mother spied an expensive fur coat. She tried it on and stood in front of the mirror admiring the look and stroking the fur. "This year, I think I'll get myself a birthday present," she said. "But mom," her daughter protested, "some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey. Your father won't get the VISA bill for a couple of weeks." ______________________________________________________ A minister had his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made. His usual sermon lasts about half an hour or a little more, but the first Sunday after his dental work he preaches only five minutes. The second Sunday, he is good for 15 minutes. But on the third Sunday he gets going and doesn't stop for an hour and a half. "What's going on, Reverend?" a member of the congregation asked. "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures as I was heading out the door and I simply could not stop talking." ______________________________________________________ Dragomir Vujnovic YellowheadedBlackbird _____________________________________________________ A lawyer tells his client: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?" "You ex-wife is not making you pay her on any inheritance you receive." "And the bad news?" "She's marrying your father __________________________________________________ Consider the intern who discovers while working she is almost out of typing paper. Wondering what to do, she turns to her supervisor. "Just use copy machine paper," her boss says. With that, the intern takes her last remaining blank piece of paper, puts it on the photocopier -- then proceeds to make five blank copies. ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Consider the three friends who die in a car crash and are met at the Pearly Gates with the same question: "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" ____________________________________________________ >From Ellen A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. Her husband teased her and said she would never be able to stay away from the other half until dinner the next night. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would rub it in. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" ___________________________________________________ In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Brenda Re: Request to verify Dear Webby, I'm questioning a couple of emails in my inbox. They say they are from a support for my email and that they will "hold" my mail until I verify my account. I assume these are fishing emails but I am expecting an email from Westjet and it is not showing up after 24 hours, ( to confirm a booking). Could you please check on this for me? Thanks, Brenda Dear Brenda the ONLY legitimate support you got is me. And I will never ask you to verify anything by email. Gorgeous ladies like you I would rather invite for a coffee. Just dump the crap. Re Westjet, look in the trash, in case you accidentally elbowed it in there. Westjet used to have chat, if you have an account. Flying has been out of my budget for a few years and I have not been to their site for a long time. Even when I still had an account, I never had to worry about anything, just noticed a link to chat. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________ John Teague Rhodochrosite with fluorite, tetrahedrite, chalcopyrite on quartz - Steves Pocket, Sweet Home Mine, Colorado ____________________________________________________ As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset." She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference." __________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by Michael Ellis, 43, Minooka, Illinois, USA Minooka man sentenced for possessing child porn A 43-year-old Minooka man was sentenced in Grundy County on Thursday. Michael Ellis pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography, a class two felony and was sentenced to four years in prison. He was given credit for serving over 280 days in the Grundy County Jail and must register as a sex offender for life. Ellis must serve 50 percent of the sentence. As part of the plea agreement, 18 other child porn possession charges were dropped. Ellis was arrested by the Minooka Police Department for possessing child porn, unauthorized video recording and unauthorized transmitting of a video after a search warrant was executed at a house in the 1400 block of Bluestem Lane in Minooka on September 20th of 2022. The Minooka Police Department received a tip from the National Center for missing and exploited children that Ellis possessed the child porn. Grundy County court records show Ellis possessed a video of a nude child under the age of 18 engaging in a sex act. ____________________________________________________ Today, May 9 in 1429, Joan of Arc defeated the besieging English at Orleans. 1502, Christopher Columbus left Spain for his final trip to the Western Hemisphere. 1671, Thomas "Captain" Blood stole the crown jewels from the Tower of London. 1754, The first newspaper cartoon in America showed a divided snake "Join or die" in "The Pennsylvania Gazette." 1785, Joseph Bramah patented the beer-pump handle. 1825, The Chatham Theatre opened in New York City. It was the first gas-lit theater in America. 1901, In Australia, the Duke of Cornwall and York declared the First Commonwealth Parliament open. 1904, The Great Western Railway Number 3440 City of Truro became the first railway locomotive to exceed 100 miles per hour. 1914, U.S. President Woodrow Wilson signed a joint congressional resolution that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. 1915, German and French forces fought the Battle of Artois. 1926, Americans Richard Byrd and Floyd Bennett became the first men to fly an airplane over the North Pole. 1930, A starting gate was used to start a Triple Crown race for the first time. 1936, Fascist Italy took Addis Abba and annexed Ethiopia. 1936, The first sheet of postage stamps of more than one variety went on sale in New York City. 1941, The German submarine U-110 was captured at sea by Britain's Royal navy. 1945, U.S. officials announced that the midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately. 1946, King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy abdicated and was replaced by Umberto. 1951, The U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment under Operation Greenhouse. "George," a 225-kiloton device, was detonated on Enewetak Atok in the Marshall Islands. 1955, West Germany joined NATO. 1958, Richard Burton made his network television debut in the presentation of "Wuthering Heights" on CBS-TV. 1960, The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved for sale an oral birth-control pill for the first time. 1962, Scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technologay successfully bounced a laser beam off Moon for the first time. 1974, The House Judiciary Committee began formal hearings on the Nixon impeachment. 1978, The bullet-riddled body of former Italian Prime Minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in the center of Rome. The Red Brigades had abducted him. 1980, A Liberian freighter hit the Sunshine Skyway Bridge over Tampa Bay in Florida. Thirty-five motorists were killed and a 1,400-foot section of the bridge collapsed. 1994, Nelson Mandela was chosen to be South Africa's first black president. 1996, In video testimony to a courtroom in Little Rock, AR, U.S. President Clinton insisted that he had nothing to do with a $300,000 loan in the criminal case against his former Whitewater partners. 2002, In Bethlehem, West Bank, a deal was reached that would end the 38-day standoff at the Church of the Nativity. Thirteen suspected militants were to be deported to several different countries. The standoff had begun on April 2, 2002. 2002, In Kaspiisk, Russia, 39 people were killed and at least 130 were injurde when a remote-controlled bomb exploded during a holiday parade. 2002, In Bahrain, people were allowed to vote for representatives for the first time in nearly 30 years. Women were allowed to vote for the first time in the country's history. 2019, Pope Francis issued a new church law that required all Catholic priests and nuns to report clergy sexual abuse and cover-ups by their superiors to church authorities. 2020, In the U.S., the Food and Drug Administration approved a coronavirus antigen test that could quickly detect virus proteins. 2023, Do smiled.
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