Good Morning, Do, Today is Friday, August 11 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Florida man kills AAA contract worker over response time Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, Aug 11 in 1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. --- Albert Einstein "If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." --- Ray Bradbury All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. --- George Orwell (1903 - 1950) in Animal Farm Animal Farm was the first English book I read. That was in 63 or 64. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of widowers marrying again, haven't you?" ______________________________________________________ Long Eared Owl by Matteusz Piesiak _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesus Esquivel, 63, Miami, Florida Florida man kills AAA contract worker over response time A man in Miami faces second-degree murder charges after police said he fatally shot a AAA contract worker over the amount of time he waited to get assistance. Jesus Esquivel, 63, initially threatened a 24-hour roadside AAA technician when he called him to fix a car battery at his home, WPLG reports. The technician then requested AAA dispatch to remove him from Esquivel's service call, and an employee of a company contracted by AAA came to assist him instead. Once the employee arrived, police said Esquivel confronted him and shot him multiple times. Police said the victim died at the scene, according to WPLG. Police took Esquivel to Miami-Dade County Jail Wednesday after he confessed to fatally shooting the employee. Looks like he has his retirement home picked out. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Helga Re: Quiet emergency power Dear Webby, I know you used to live in the arctic, and you were in the last hurricane, but you never missed a single Humor Letter. Obviously you must be a wizz with emergency power. OK, now that I have flattered you up, what free advice do I get about emergency power in an apartment where It would be frowned upon, if I ran a noisy generator in the hallway? I just need the power for the laptop and a few lights. The rest I can fake for a few days. Thanks Helga Dear Helga Just get a few car or truck batteries, an automotive battery charger, and a Stat-Power 12 Volt DC to 120 Volt AC inverter, like the ones you plug into a car cigarette lighter to convert the car's 12 Volt into regular household type electricity. If you keep the batteries charged beforehand, they will power a laptop and a few folded tube fluorescents for a week or more, even more if you get LED lights at the Dollar Tree. Keep in mind, they usually have the tiny end like a sewing machine light, and you may have to get an adapter from Home Depot or an electrical supply business. Printers are not easy on power. Try to avoid printing until the power returns. If you expect the power outage to last longer, you can get one of those cute little Yamaha briefcase style Inverter class generators or something like that. They are very quiet and, if you hang them outside a window, make less noise than a sewing machine. They have a 12 Volt outlet for battery charging built in. Don't hang it outside a window on the ground floor. It would walk away in a hurry! Have FUN! DearWebby One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." "Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." "Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get More Juice Out Of Your Lemon By Cajun [58 Posts, 327 Comments] Place lemon(s) in microwave for about 10-20 seconds (based on your microwave) until the lemon is very warm to the touch (almost hot). Wait until you feel comfortable handling the lemon, then cut and squeeze. You should be able to get at least 30-40% more juice than normal. ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ >From Chris in Oz It was dead winter and colder than hell, when Billy noticed his outdoor toilet was full. Now that was a problem he didn't know how to handle, so Billy searched out Clem for advice. Clem told Billy that the thought they could use dynamite to clean out the hole. He just happened to have a few sticks left from a job he done the past summer. The next day Clem went over to Billy's house and they both looked down the hole. Clem said, "Yep, its full. I think this one will take two sticks!" So he and Billy got busy, put the dynamite in the hole and put a long fuse to it. They were standing behind the wood pile nearby when Billy's wife Sally came running out of the house and headed straight for the toilet. Billy and Clem both yelled and hollered for Sally to stop, but she kept going and said, "I don't have time to stop and talk, I gotta take care of business." WELL lo and behold, Sally no more than got seated and the whole toilet blew up. Boards and shit flew all over. Sally picked herself off the ground, looked at Billy and Clem and said, "WHEW, I am sure glad that I didn't let that one go in the house!" --------------------- Believe it or not, but that method is actually quite popular in the arctic. However, there outhouses are built on skids, and for blowing over the frozen pyramid down below, the outhouse is hitched up to the sled dogs and towed 20 feet upwind. Done that many times when I was living in the Yukon. ___________________________________________________ | | What a strange and wonderful mind this man has. |
___________________________________________________ A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars. That was quite a lot of money in those days!" | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them. One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace. The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest ... perfect peace. Which picture do you think won the prize? The King chose the second picture. Do you know why? "Because," explained the King, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace." ____________________________________________________ | Today, August 11, in 1860 The first successful silver mill in America began operations. The mill was in Virginia City, NV. 1874 A patent for the sprinkler head was given to Harry S. Parmelee. 1877 The two moons of Mars were discovered by Asaph Hall, an American astronomer. He named them Phobos and Deimos. 1896 Harvey Hubbell received a patent for the electric light bulb socket with a pull-chain. 1909 The American ship Arapahoe became the first to ever use the SOS distress signal off the coast of Cape Hatteras, NC. 1934 Alcatraz, in San Francisco Bay, received federal prisoners for the first time. 1941 The Atlantic Charter was signed by U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. 1942 During World War II, Pierre Laval publicly announced "the hour of liberation for France is the hour when Germany wins the war." 1945 The Allies informed Japan that they would determine Emperor Hirohito's future status after Japan's surrender. 1951 The first major league baseball game to be televised in color was broadcast. The Brooklyn Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves 8-1. 1954 Seven years of fighting came to an end in Indochina. A formal peace was in place for the French and the Communist Vietminh. 1962 Andrian Nikolayev, of the Soviet Union, was launched on a 94-hour flight. He was the third Russian to go into space. 1965 The U.S. conducted a second launch of "Surveyor-SD 2" for a landing on the Moon surface test. 1975 The U.S. vetoed the proposed admission of North and South Vietnam to the United Nations. The Security Counsel had already refused to consider South Korea's application. 1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan was preparing for his weekly radio broadcast when, during testing of the microphone, the President said of the Soviet Union, "My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you that I just signed legislation that would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." 1990 Egyptian and Moroccan troops joined U.S. forces in Saudia Arabia to help protect from a possible Iraqi attack. 1991 The space shuttle Atlantis ended its nine-day journey by landing safely. 1992 In Bloomington, MN, the Mall of America opened. It was the largest shopping mall in the United States. 1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000 commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill. 1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton. 1997 U.S. President Clinton made the first use of the line- item veto approved by Congress, rejecting three items in spending and tax bills. 1998 British Petroleum became No. 3 among oil companies with the $49 billion purchase of Amoco. It was the largest foreign takeover of a U.S. company. 2002 US Airways announced that it had filed for bankruptcy. 2002 Jason Priestly crashed his car during practice for a race in the Infiniti Pro Series. He suffered a spinal fracture, a moderate concussion, a broken nose, facial lacerations and broken bones in both feet. 2003 Charles Taylor, President of Liberia, flew into exile after ceding power to his vice president, Moses Blah. 2003 In Kabul, NATO took command of the 5,000-strong peacekeeping force in Afghanistan. 2017 Do smiled. |
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