Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, July 28 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ____________________________________________________ History: today, July 28 in 1866, The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress for the standardization of weights and measures throughout the United States. Even though the decimal system is a lot easier, some people are still fighting it and the US is the last country to still use the old British system. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Gang members arrested for drive-by murder ___________________________________________________ Q Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. --- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784), Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. --- T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965) __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ How does Ruth like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan. "Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting." "What's the difference?" Danny pressed. "Well", Ryan explained, "When I come home from work, she's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ___________________________________________________ Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me." ___________________________________________________ A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new express- way bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and just beyond the jam of VERY slow moving traffict he sees a new black sign. Written in large yellow letters on it are the words: NUDIST COLONY ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A wife decided she would leave her drunken husband, but a neighbor persuaded her to give him one more chance. "Instead of nagging him" she advised, "treat him nicely. Maybe he'll feel so ashamed he'll stop drinking so much?" So, the next night when the husband staggered home, she did not rant as usual. She made him a cup of tea, warmed his slippers, loosened his collar and tie and stroked his head. "Shall we go to bed now?" she purred at him. "Might as well," he replied. "I'll get two hours of screaming when I get home no matter if it is 10 or midnight!" ____________________________________________________ ===From Cappy=== You know the fact you personaLize your mail...really is nice...I dont feel like I am item 4billion 198 million served....and as a retired Army Officer,,,thats a nice feeling.... Cappy(Captain) AkA Tim ---- Cappy, I'm glad you like it that way, SIR! ____________________________________________________ "May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous woman asked the manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replied. "Maybe it'll attract some business." ____________________________________________________ It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman hits the boombox. ____________________________________________________ A Red-winged Blackbird getting a free ride on an Osprey's broomstick. Jocelyn Anderson ___________________________________________________ Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along barely getting his ankles wet. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in dirty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly fool?" __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits DearWebby's Tech Support Pits FROM: Amanda RE: Reflected images Dear Webby Nowadays a lot of pictures, especially mugshots, seem to have the picture in the middle and faded copies on the side. What causes that? Amanda Dear Amanda That is caused by Yuppies eating junkfood and drinking burned dishwater. That causes brain damage, as you noiced. It is not a computer problem, and not a software problem. They do it deliberately to make sure you know that they are brain damaged. It looks sloppy, but is easy enough to crop so that you have just the sharp center part. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ The tourist was admiring the Native's necklace. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," he replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Actually", he replied, "here the alligator hunters get paid more than the oyster cutters at the packing plant." ____________________________________________ Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about a word his lover said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before his wife finishes talking. ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Amber Jean Tremblay, 33, Lehigh Acres, Florida, USA Chubby pink bikini fugitive has been arrested The woman who fled two hit-and-run crashes in Lehigh Acres has been arrested, according to Florida Highway Patrol. The arrest Tuesday stemmed from a hit-and-run crash on Sunday, which ended up with a serious injury. Troopers told WINK News Monday that Amber Jean Tremblay hit an ATV rider with her Dodge Challenger then drove off in another car. WINK News spoke with Tremblays cousin, Jessica Carroll. I think that the faster she takes care of everything, the better off everybodys gonna be, Carroll said. Carroll had tried to reach out to Tremblay multiple times. She even tried to call during her interview with WINK News. There was no response. Now, Carroll is taking care of Tremblays two sons, They dont really know whats going on right now, and they stay with me often. They stay the night at my place often. Carroll confirmed that this is not her cousins first run-in with the law. Tremblay was arrested four different times prior. Her extensive criminal history includes failing to appear for a misdemeanor, driving while her license was suspended, petit theft and grand theft. During that time, Tremblay went by the name Amber Jean Dixon. Its not clear whether she got married or purposely changed her name. Carroll has a message for her cousin, I will get you what you need. If you want to turn yourself in, I will help you. Tremblay has since been booked in Lee County Jail. ___________________________________________________ ===From Hester Dear Webby I want to find out who subscribed me! You changed my life around and I want to send a cake to whoever subscribed me. They used to call me the "Morning Terrorist" because I screamed at anybody if they as much as thought of saying anything while I checked the email. I know. My hearing is a lot better than I let on most times. But now, I read the Humor Letter and I hunts them down if I have to, so's I can tell them the jokes. After that the morning goes just so much better, and they don't hide from me any more. They even bring me coffee now! So, don't you dare to ever miss a day! Hester ----- Yes, Ma'am :-) Whoever it was who gave a gift subscription to Hester, go collect your cake! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes." The hunter asked "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "With my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ >From Lydia Here's one for you-- A preacher said to the farmer,"Do you belong to the Christian family ?" "No", he said, " they live two farms down ". "No,no, I mean are you lost ?" "No, I've been here thirty years." "I mean are you ready for Judgement Day?" "When is it ?" "It could be today or tomorrow ". "Well, when you find out for sure when it is , you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days !" Lydia ___________________________________________________ Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a attractive young woman asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk." That's fine," replied the woman. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old woman standing beside her. "Grandma will pay the bill," she smiled. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today July 28, in 1821, Peru declared its independence from Spain. 1865, The American Dental Association proposed its first code of ethics. 1866, The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress for the standardization of weights and measures throughout the United States. 1868, The Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was declared in effect. The amendment guaranteed due process of law. 1896, The city of Miami, FL, was incorporated. 1914, World War I officially began when Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia. 1932, Federal troops forcibly dispersed the "Bonus Army" of World War I veterans who had gathered in Washington, DC. They were demanding money they were not scheduled to receive until 1945. 1941, Plans for the Pentagon were approved by the U.S. House of Representatives. 1942, L.A. Thatcher received a patent for a coin-operated mailbox. The device stamped envelopes when money was inserted. 1945, A U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York City's Empire State Building. 14 people were killed and 26 were injured. 1951, The Walt Disney film "Alice in Wonderland" was released. 1965, U.S. President Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000. 1973, Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett were married. 1982, San Francisco, CA, became the first city in the U.S. to ban handguns. 1991, Dennis Martinez (Montreal Expos) pitched the 13th perfect game in major league baseball history. 1994, Kenny Rogers (Texas Rangers) pitched the 14th perfect game in major league baseball history. 1998, Bell Atlantic and GTE announced $52 billion deal that created the second-largest phone company. 1998, Serbian military forces seized the Kosovo town of Malisevo. 1998, Monica Lewinsky received blanket immunity from prosecution to testify before a grand jury about her relationship with U.S. President Clinton. 2000, Kathie Lee Gifford made her final appearance as co-host of the ABC talk show "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee." 2006, Researchers announced that two ancient reptiles had been found off Australia. The Umoonasaurus and Opallionectes were the first of their kind to be found in the period soon after the Jurassic era. 2023, Do smiled.
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