Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, August 3 _____________________________________________________ Today, August 3 in  1914 Germany declared war on France. The next day World War I began when Britain declared war on Germany. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ 
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 Today's Bonehead Award: Louisiana woman denied owning meth in vagina  _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  _______________________________________________ If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. --- Tallulah Bankhead (1903 - 1968) The purpose of life is to fight maturity. --- Dick Werthimer _____________________________________________________ Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday. Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday. By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday. Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's erroneously called Thirdsday. On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday. Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday. And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday. ______________________________________________________`   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ___________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor:  An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, West Monroe, Louisiana  Louisiana woman denied owning meth in vagina  A Louisiana woman arrested yesterday denied ownership of methamphetamine that was discovered inside a plastic baggie lodged in her vagina, according to a probable cause affidavit. Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, was questioned early Wednesday by police after a man accused her of stealing $5000 from his home. The victim, Eugene Dix, told West Monroe Police Department officers that Rolland had stayed with him in his apartment for the last week. Dix alleged that while he was showering, Rolland took his cash and left the residence. The affidavit identifies Dix as Rolland's boyfriend. During a subsequent interview with cops, Rolland, seen above, reportedly confessed to swiping the money, which was recovered during a consensual search of Rolland's person by a female correctional officer. The exact amount seized from Rolland was $6233. The female jailer also discovered a clear plastic bag containing approximately 1 gram of methamphetamine inside Rolland's vagina. The suspect, however, denied ownership of the methamphetamine. It does not appear that Rolland explained to police how someone else's meth found its way into her body cavity. Rolland was charged with theft and narcotics possession, both felonies, and booked into the Ouachita Parish jail. She is being held in lieu of $8000 bond.  
 DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Cass Re: Secure clean-up  Dear Webby, since I received such great advice last time, I will ask another one....I heard that even reformatiing your hard drive will still leave stuff on your puter, so what free program have you heard about that will erase everything? Does this even apply, or will reformatting work just fine? Thanks in advance! Cass  Dear Cass Spybot-Search&Destroy has a shredder in it's TOOLS section. Just use that to get rid of your nefarious Bingo schemes or whatever it is that you worry that it might get you thrown in jail or kicked out of the bridge club. Have FUN! DearWebby 
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 Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!" 
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 While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too." ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Washing and Storing Fine China Be sure to hand wash your nice fine china to keep each piece nice as long as possible. Put paper plates between plates when stacking them to prevent chipping and scratches. thriftyfun.Com Fill your sink with water first. That way, if you drop a piece, it will not klunk down to the bottom of the sink or onto other pieces, but land gently in the water. Have FUN! DearWebby  ____________________________________________________   
  
Space Photos: The Most Amazing Images This Week! 
 ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Connie for this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a female bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. ... I wanna be a bear. ___________________________________________________ Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. ___________________________________________________ Man:Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl; she's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father! Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother. __________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a woman asked the flight attendant, "What's that stuff all over the hills?" "Just snow." "That's what I thought. But the fellow in front of me said it was grease." ___________________________________________________  
 Today, August 3 in 1492 Christopher Columbus left Palos, Spain with three ships. The voyage led him to what is now known as the Americas. He reached the Bahamas on October 12. 1750 Christopher Dock completed the first book of teaching methods. It was titled "A Simple and Thoroughly Prepared School Management." 1777 During the Siege of Fort Stanwix the first U.S. flag was officially flown during battle. 1880 The American Canoe Association was formed at Lake George, NY. 1900 Firestone Tire & Rubber Co. was founded. 1914 Germany declared war on France. The next day World War I began when Britain declared war on Germany. 1922 WGY radio in Schenectady, NY, presented the first full-length melodrama on radio. The work was "The Wolf", written by Eugene Walter. 1933 The Mickey Mouse Watch was introduced for the price of $2.75. 1936 The U.S. State Department advised Americans to leave Spain due to the Spanish Civil War. 1936 Jesse Owens won the first of his four Olympic gold medals. 1943 Gen. George S. Patton verbally abused and slapped a private. Later, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower ordered him to apologize for the incident. 1956 Bedloe's Island had its name changed to Liberty Island. 1958 The Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. The mission was known as "Operation Sunshine." 1979 "More American Graffiti" was released. 1981 U.S. traffic controllers with PATCO, the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization, went on strike. They were fired just as U.S. President Reagan had warned. 1985 Mail service returned to a nudist colony in Paradise Lake, FL. Residents promised that they'd wear clothes or stay out of sight when the mailperson came to deliver. 1988 The Iran-Contra hearings ended. No ties were made between U.S. President Reagan and the Nicaraguan Rebels. 1988 The Soviet Union released Mathias Rust. He had been taken into custody on May 28, 1987 for landing a plane in Moscow's Red Square. 1989 Hashemi Rafsanjani was sworn in as the president of Iran. 1990 Thousands of Iraqi troops pushed within a few miles of the border of Saudi Arabia. This heightened world concerns that the invasion of Kuwait could spread. 1992 The U.S. Senate voted to restrict and eventually end the testing of nuclear weapons. 1992 Russia and Ukraine agreed to put the Black Sea Fleet under joint command. The agreement was to last for three years. 1995 Eyad Ismoil was flown from Jordan to the U.S. to face charges that he had driven the van that blew up in New York's World Trade Center. 2004 In New York, the Statue of Liberty re-opened to the public. The site had been closed since the terrorist attacks on the U.S. on September 11, 2001. 2004 NASA launched the spacecraft Messenger. The 6 1/2 year journey was planned to arrive at the planet Mercury in March 2011. On April 30, 2015, Messenger crashed into the surface of Mercury after sending back more than 270,000 pictures. 2009 Bolivia became the first South American country to declare the right of indigenous people to govern themselves. 2019 Do smiled.