Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, April 5 Today in 1985, John McEnroe said "any man can beat any woman at any sport, especially tennis." ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Nevada mother jailed for attempting to kill newborn ___________________________________________________ I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. --- Jerome K. Jerome (1859 - 1927 Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. --- Jane Wagner ___________________________________________________ The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is 'Live Free or Die.' These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord. ____________________________________________________ Wendy was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, Wendy had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box. Fortunately, her husband was six-feet-tall so she called him to help. "Hey, James!" Wendy yelled, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?" "Sure, Honey," James remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just waddled in!" ____________________________________________________ Tom Ingram Alberta Street Gang ___________________________________________________ A couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish." The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90. ____________________________________________________ One of Trina's wedding presents was a toaster oven. After the honeymoon, she and Bernie, her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" Bernie shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" cried Trina a short time later. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ashley Hollingsworth, 22, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA Nevada mother jailed for attempting to kill newborn A mother in the Las Vegas area is accused of attempting to kill her newborn baby after she feared her child was not good and probably evil, according to police. Officers with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department report they were called to the emergency room at Mountain View Hospital overnight on March 27 when a childs father had brought his newborn baby into the hospital for medical treatment. The father also notified the hospital that the childs mother refused to come into the hospital, but she was bleeding profusely, according to police. Ashley Hollingsworth, 22, was later identified as the childs mother and officers said they were able to make contact with her at a nearby intersection a couple of hours later. Investigators learned that Hollingsworth had given birth in a guest bathroom at a relatives house, where the couple was staying, about an hour before the two went to the hospital with the child. Hollingsworth told police that on the way to the hospital, something triggered her to make her think that the baby was probably evil. According to an arrest report, she attempted to kill the baby twice by wrapping a blanket around the babys head and pinching the babys nose tight. The 22-year-old told police that she felt like the baby would start doing things and start making people kill each other. The childs father was also in the car with Hollingsworth when heading to the hospital. He took the baby away from her, according to police. Once arriving at the hospital, doctors initially believed the newborn may have suffered a brain bleed, but staff later determined the child likely did not suffer any injuries, police said. A relative spoke to police later that day and told them Hollingsworth was acting abnormally before giving birth and that she mentioned that a devil was inside of her and attempting to kill her baby. According to an arrest report, Hollingsworth told police that the babys eyes were black, had an abnormal scent that wasnt good and was grunting. After this, she decided to wrap the blanket around the babys head. Police said Hollingsworth had self-inflicted injuries to her face when she was found. And she told them she hit herself several times with a rock in an attempt to kill herself after she left the hospital. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Georgina RE: Shutting off the computer at night Dear Webby. I have always shut off my computer at night to save electricity. When my boyfriend, well actually my senior advisor, heard about that, he had a screaming fit and told me to toss my computer into the dumpster. He was so mad, he could not even tell me why. What is the story? Georgina Dear Georgina If you have your malware control set to update at 3 am, like most people, then you miss the daily updates, and your machine is not protected! If you shut it off at night, then you have to do a manual update every morning. Since that is a nuisance, you would probably skip it occasionally, and let a virus contaminate your machine. Just leave it running and let it protect you. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ Q: What is Happiness A:having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family.. in another city, far away." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ A student comes to a young professor after regular office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes,... Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... ahhh,..... study???" ______________________________________________ Tommy was able to get rid of one of those telephone marketers not long ago. The marketer called and was in the middle of giving her spiel about saving money on long- distance. Tommy interrupted her, "Ma'am, I don't need your long distance service because I don't have a telephone." Must have caught her off guard because she said, "Oh, I'm sorry to have bothered you." ------------- I have used that a few times too. Works every time. Nowadays, though, if I don't recognize the name on the call display, I simply ignore it and don't answer. ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend quite THAT much," says John. ___________________________________________________ | Today, April 5, in 1242, Russian troops repelled an invasion attempt by the Teutonic Knights. 1614, American Indian Pocahontas married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia. 1621, The Mayflower sailed from Plymouth, MA, on a return trip to England. 1792, U.S. President George Washington cast the first presidential veto. The measure was for apportioning representatives among the states. 1806, Isaac Quintard patented the cider mill. 1843, Queen Victoria proclaimed Hong Kong to be a British crown colony. 1869, Daniel Bakeman, the last surviving soldier of the U.S. Revolutionary War, died at the age of 109. 1887, Anne Sullivan taught Helen Keller the meaning of the word "water" as spelled out in the manual alphabet. 1892, Walter H. Coe patented gold leaf in rolls. 1892, In New York, the Ithaca Daily Journal published an ad introducing a new 10 cent Ice Cream Specialty called a Cherry Sunday. 1895, Playwright Oscar Wilde lost his criminal libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry. Wilde had been accused of homosexual practices. 1908, The Japanese Army reached the Yalu River as the Russians retreated. 1919, Eamon de Valera became president of Ireland. 1923, Firestone Tire and Rubber Company began the first regular production of balloon tires. 1930, Mahatma Ghandi defied British law by making salt in India. 1933, The first operation to remove a lung was performed at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, MO. 1941, German commandos secured docks along the Danube River in preparation for Germanys invasion of the Balkans. 1951, Americans Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were sentenced to death for committing espionage for the Soviet Union. 1953, Jomo Kenyatta was convicted and sentenced to 7 years in prison for orchestrating the Mau-Mau rebellion in Kenya. 1955, Winston Churchill resigned as British prime minister. 1985, John McEnroe said "any man can beat any woman at any sport, especially tennis." 1986, A discotheque in Berlin was bombed by Libyan terrorists. The U.S. attacked Libya with warplanes in retaliation on April 15, 1986. 1987, FOX Broadcasting Company launched "Married....With Children" and "The Tracey Ullman Show". The two shows were the beginning of the FOX lineup. 1989, In Poland, accords were signed between Solidarity and the government that set free elections for June 1989. The eight-year ban on Solidarity was also set to be lifted. 1998, The Akashi Kaikyo Bridge in Japan opened becoming the largest suspension bridge in the world. It links Shikoku and Honshu. The bridge cost about $3.8 billion. 1999, Two Libyans suspected of bombing a Pan Am jet in 1988 were handed over so they could be flown to the Netherlands for trial. 270 people were killed in the bombing. 1999, In Laramie, WY, Russell Henderson pled guilty to kidnapping and felony murder in the death of Matthew Shepard. 2004, Near Mexico City's international airport, lightning struck the jet Mexican President Vicente Fox was on. 2009, North Korea launched the Kwangmyongsong-2 rocket, prompting an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council. 2022 Do smiled. |
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