Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, July 11 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 11, in 1533, Henry VIII, divorced his wife and was excommunicated from the Catholic Church by Pope Clement VII. He subsequently became head of the church of England. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Woman was chased by several law enforcement agencies in northern Arizona was eventually arrested __________________________________________________ Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. --- James M. Barrie (1860 - 1937) Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none. --- Jules Renard (1864 - 1910) First secure an independent income, then practice virtue. --- Socratex ------------- I would LOVE to practice virtue, but... _________________________________________________ A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $250,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You go downstairs." says the Angel. Second candidate, same question. "I made $195,000, I was a realtor." He is also dumped downstairs. Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $275." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "Come on in! Which newsletter did you publish?" __________________________________________________ Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window." --------------- I have used that trick for staying awake driving home after 12 hour shifts at the mine. Never lost a $100 bill. Usually the cold wind woke me right up in a minute or two. __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Laura Duffy, Sedona, Arizona, USA Woman was chased by several law enforcement agencies in northern Arizona was eventually arrested A 74-year-old New York woman reportedly evaded authorities from several law enforcement agencies after Sedona Police got many reports of a driver's "erratic" and "disorderly" behavior on July 9. "It was during these contacts that Sedona Officers learned this person had a revoked drivers license where she was not allowed to drive a motor vehicle," a news release read from the Cottonwood Police Department. Hours went by and officers saw the same woman driving a Subaru Crosstrek and tried to stop her. She didn't stop, police say, and she drove out of Sedona, so they stopped pursuing her and instead called Cottonwood Police to ask for help. "Cottonwood Police located this vehicle traveling southbound on State Route 89A near Bill Gray Road. Officers initiated a traffic stop on this vehicle where they attempted to stop it near SR 89A and Rocking Chair Ranch Road. The driver did not respond to Officers attempting to stop the vehicle. The driver proceeded by failing to stop at a red light at SR 89A and State Route 260. The driver nearly collided with several other vehicles when running this stop light. It was at this time Cottonwood Officers initiated a pursuit and the vehicle proceeded northbound on South Main Street," authorities explained. When stopped at a red light, officers tried to get her out of her car, but she kept going once the light turned green. The driver continued on Main Street where it continued to drive recklessly. Due to Officers' safety concerns for the public, the pursuit was terminated," police said, " presenting a serious danger to the public and showing no regard for life." Once she got to Clarkdale, officers say they saw her driving the wrong way, so they deployed stop sticks and her tires deflated. "As the vehicle de-accelerated near SR 89A and South 6th Street Cottonwood Police successfully completed a P.I.T. (Pursuit Intervention Technique) causing the vehicle to spin and come to a stop," police explained. The driver, however, tried to escape by backing into one of the police cars, causing serious damage. "Cottonwood Police were able to pin the vehicle in with their units and apprehend the suspect without further incident," police said. The driver is Laura Duffy, and there were no other people in the car. Authorities say Duffy was stopped on June 30 of this year in Flagstaff on suspicion of obstruction of public thoroughfare and driving the wrong way on I-40. She's been booked into jail on suspicion of felony flight, aggravated assault on law enforcement, endangerment, criminal damage, resisting arrest and several criminal traffic violations. __________________________________________________ Joe and Lance driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. Joe says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree." Lance says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. Joe says, "You were right! If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!" ___________________________________________________ Jack is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yeah, she divorced me for her religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ On her way back from the concession stand, Sarah asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?" Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did." Sarah nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row." ____________________________________________________ Korban Schwab This guy in the back is already pretty whipped. Like so many other males, he just follows along, head hung low. "Yes dear, whatever you say dear.... yes those dandelions over there look so much better... no your butt does not look fat in that" Grizzly couple - Southern AB - July 2022 ___________________________________________________ Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper,he agreed to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if only to bring a good name to the Jewish community among his big ranching neighbors. The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was, "So why do you wear only one spur?" To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side of a horse starts to run, so will the other." _____________________________________________________ Two irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ Thibodeaux was driving his car past Boudreaux's house and saw a sign out front that read: "Boat For Sale". So Thibodeaux marches up to Boudreaux front porch and raps hard on the door. When Boudreaux opens it: Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux! How long we ban frands? Boudreaux says, "Well.........All our lives,Thibodeaux." Thibodeaux says, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?" Boudreaux says, "I ant gotta boat!" Thibodeaux says, "Da' sign say 'BOAT FOR SALE'." Boudreaux says, "OH-NO Thibodeaux! See dat old '72 Ford pickem'up truck over dare" Thibodeaux says, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck" Boudreaux says, "See dat '76 Cheverlet see-dan" Thibodeaux says, "Yas, I see dat see-dan." Boudreaux says, "Well, dey boat foah sale. _____________________________________________________ One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, top heavy but scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!" ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Hanna RE: Slow Edge Dear Webby, You mentioned that the EDGE browser was OK. So I installed it on my W10 machine.. It works, but is godawful slow on the sites I go to, like for example theweathernetwork.com I still got Chrome on the old W7 machine in the basement. I can waddle down to the basement, start up the old W7 klunker, go to the weather network and check the weather forecast for the next 7 days, come back upstairs, and EDGE still has not finished loading. Does EDGE not like theweathernetwork.com or does the weather site not like edge? What do you suggest? Hanna Dear Hanna I tried to do the same and go to theweathernetwork.com with EDGE on my W10 (formerly a W7 machine, but STAPLES stole my W7 and sabotaged it with W10) I got the same results as you did. Next I checked my connection speed with Ookla http://speedtest.net That showed 26 Mbps, down a bit from the 30 Mbps, That I am paying for, but that is not unusual for Telus, and not worth calling them for the excuses of the day. Next I opened Chrome, and went to theweathernetwork.com It was on some cute video, so I scrolled up to the 7 day forecast. No problem at all. It seems that EDGE may have a problem with frequently or continuously updating sites and is waiting for ads on cache files. Just remember on which sites it stalls, and use Chrome or FireFox on those. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!" ___________________________________________________ From: Bev RE: Converting all units Dear Webby, I lost a bet because of you! You wrote that your converter converts anything. So I quoted that to my significant other. He checked it, and even though he was impressed, he found one unit, that is not included. How do you convert Bra colume letters to metric decimal numbers? Bev Dear Bev Write to Josh, the guy, who wrote that converter in 1996. If you can get him the formula or the data, he will probably add it quite cheerfully. You can tell him that I used and recommended his converter since 1996. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________ Elaine Haggith ____________________________________________________ Sound really does travel slower than light. The advice parents give to their 18 year olds doesn't reach them until they're about 40. ___________________________________________________ An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Back off!" she screeched, "They're for the funeral!" ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 11, in 1533, Henry VIII, divorced his wife and was excommunicated from the Catholic Church by Pope Clement VII. He subsequently became head of the church of England. 1708, The French were defeated at Oudenarde, Malplaquet, in the Netherlands by the Duke of Marlborough and Eugene of Savoy. 1742, A papal decree was issued condemning the disciplining actions of the Jesuits in China. 1786, Morocco agreed to stop attacking American ships in the Mediterranean for a payment of $10,000. They took the money, but did not stop pirating merchants. 1798, The U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by "An Act for Establishing a Marine Corps" passed by the U.S. Congress. The act also created the U.S. Marine Band. The Marines were first commissioned by the Continental Congress on November 10, 1775. 1804, The United States' first secretary of the treasury, Alexander Hamilton, was killed by Vice President Aaron Burr in a duel. 1864, In the U.S., Confederate forces led by Gen. Jubal Early began an invasion of Washington, DC. They turned back the next day. 1918, Enrico Caruso recorded "Over There" written by George M. Cohan. 1934, U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt became the first American chief executive to travel through the Panama Canal while in office. 1962, The first transatlantic TV transmission was sent through the Telstar I satellite. 1972, U.S. forces broke the 95-day siege at An Loc in Vietnam. 1979, The abandoned U.S. space station Skylab returned to Earth. It burned up in the atmosphere and showered debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia. 1985, Dr. H. Harlan Stone announced that he had used zippers for stitches on 28 patients. The zippers were used when he thought he may have to re-operate. 1995, Full diplomatic relations were established between the United States and Vietnam. 1998, U.S. Air Force Lt. Michael Blassie, a casualty of the Vietnam War, was laid to rest near his Missouri home. He had been positively identified from his remains that had been enshrined in the Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington, VA. 1999, A U.S. Air Force jet flew over the Antarctic and dropped off emergency medical supplies for Dr. Jerri Nelson after she had discovered a lump in her breast. Nelso was at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Research Center. 2000, Liam Neeson broke his pelvis after hitting a deer with his Harley Davidson motorcycle. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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